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Why don't women just say what's on their mind? Why all the cryptic mind games? For example:
Me: "Why are you angry at me?"
Her: "Well, if you don't know I'm not gonna tell you!"
*mind blown*
Or the use of the word "fine" when they are the opposite.
shareBecause if a straight woman tells a straight man what she thinks, feels, or wants, he's probably not listening.
That actually is why.
Because if a straight woman tells a straight man what she thinks, feels, or wants, he's probably not listening.
That's a cryptic mind-gamey answer lol. Care to elaborate? So if she DOESN'T say what she thinks then he's listening? That's not how communication works. share
These types of games might have worked on men in the past but most men now just don't care to jump through the hoops.
shareI'm one of them!
shareSorry which type, jump through hoops or not?
I'm in the not camp.
I mean the type of guy who will ask what's wrong and if she refuses to tell me I'll leave it at that. Not going to prod and beg and persist. We are adults, we have access to all the words in the English language, so communication should be straightforward.
shareThanks for clarifying. I agree, just because someone wants to behave like a child it doesn't mean I have to treat them like one or behave like one myself.
shareSeemed fairly straight forward to me. The implication is that if the woman is saying something the guy doesn't want to hear or deal with or respond to then he just stops listening.
To be honest I don't think it's fair - at least not always - and sometimes it works the other way around.
Actually, and openly, listening to what people say is harder than it seems.
Yes, thank you, most people in relationships have moments of tuning their partners out. Or more than moments. Sometimes it's decades!
It's just the straight men who assure each other that it's impossible to understand what a woman wants so it's pointless who even try, instead of assuring each other that if you listen to what your woman says... you'll realize that she spends a lot of time telling her man exactly what she wants.
I beg to differ. If you read the example in my original comment how does refusing to tell the man why she's angry solve the problem? All that does is guarantee that the man will cluelessly continue whatever behavior it is that is upsetting the woman. Sometimes men genuinely don't know why the woman is upset and refusing to spell it out for the guy doesn't help things.
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In your example, the odds are good that she did tell him earlier, and he didn't pay any attention. So she now thinks there's no point in even discussing it, and she's now thinking about how much she can afford to spend on a divorce lawyer.
Heterosexuality sucks! Nobody would sign up for it if they had a choice.
Fair enough.
However, a perfect personal example of a woman not speaking her mind is an ex of mine. At the very beginning of our relationship I slept over at her place and when bedtime came she tells me that she sleeps naked and hopes I don't mind. I took that as a hint, so when we climbed into bed I tried to get intimate and she noncommittally said no. I tried again and she once again said no. So I stopped and fell asleep. The next morning she was upset with me and I asked why. She asked me why I stopped the night before and I replied because she said no. So she told me that she didn't mean it when she said no. What the actual hell? No means no. I'm not the kind of guy who keeps pushing if a woman says no.
That relationship didn't last and when I asked my friends what this incident was about (foolishly, because of course it's better to ask women for advice about women), they explained to me that women often say no the first time a man tries to have sex but they might not mean it. Ostensibly the reason is that they don't want to seem like "sluts" who put out with no resistance. Why say no when you mean yes???
Well, anyone who says "no" when they mean "yes" is asking for all the disappointment coming their way, plus more serious trouble the next time they actually mean "NO".
But lots of people do that sort of thing, not just women in sexual situations, like, you know, when you ask someone what they want for their birthday and they say they don't need anything and it would be silly to buy them something? Or the people who want to eat at their favorite restaurant, and who respond to "Where do you want to eat" with "I don't know, wherever you want to go"? The world is full of people who won't say what they really want and who get upset when they don't get what they want anyway, all kinds of people in all kinds of situations.
With this reply I guess you've answered my original comment. Rather well, I should add. 👍
shareLOL - I'm just the opposite - I have no problem letting people know what is on my mind and even if I try to keep my mouth shut, my face is an open book. I could never be a professional poker player - I would go broke.
shareThat makes you one of exactly 23 women on this planet who say what's on their mind. 😁
shareWhy 23? LOL
shareI used math. 8 billion people on the planet and half of them are female. Therefore a grand total of 23 speak their mind. 😜
shareBut I would ask, do men really want to know what women are thinking?
shareMost men probably don't but I most certainly do.
shareIt has been my experience that most men think women who say what they think are considered domineering, bossy, bitchy.
Women like me have to walk a fine line in order to not be perceived that way.
An important part of speaking your mind has to do with tact. For example, it's one thing to say "Wow, this food tastes like crap!" But it's better to say "This food is not to my taste but I appreciate your effort." I prefer people who speak their mind because, to me, it's condescending to assume that I cannot handle what you think.
A beautiful quote I try to live by is: "Be who you are and say what you feel, because the people who matter don't mind, and the people who mind don't matter." The days of "women should e seen not heard" should be behind us. Speak your mind but speak it with tact.
"This food is not to my taste but I appreciate your effort."
This is extremely condescending. It's not an "effort." It's a work of art. It's blood, sweat and tears.
And "art" is subjective. For example, many people laud Pablo Picasso's art, in spite of him routinely painting people with both eyes one side of the head the way a toddler would, which I find juvenile and amateurish. I'd rather politely tell you I don't like your food and risk your feelings being hurt, than be quiet and have to suffer forcing it down every time I visit.
shareJust don't eat it if you don't like it. I think that's automatically means "it's not delicious enough for me." Without the need to put down / trivialisw the cook's skills by saying it's an "effort."
Same with Picasso. You simply don't buy his paintings if you don't like them.
I don't agree with the whole "speaking you mind" ethos. Sometimes silence is gold.
Is there no effort involved in cooking or creating a work of art? If there indeed is effort involved, how is acknowledging said effort condescending?
I don't agree with the whole "speaking you mind" ethos. Sometimes silence is gold.
This I strongly disagree with. If we don't speak our minds (tactfully) then people either don't learn, repeat their mistakes, or resort to the nasty two-faced habit of speaking behind each other's backs. share
No. "Effort" is for little children. Adults don't do "efforts."
It is condescending to say "...but I appreciate your effort."
You can try to word-fu it all you want. It is what it is.
It's very contradictory that on the one hand you say cooking involves "blood, sweat, and tears" and on the other hand you imply that there's no effort involved lol.
To make sure that we're talking about the same word:
Effort:
1) Earnest and conscientious activity intended to do or accomplish something
"made an effort to cover all the reading material"
2) Use of physical or mental energy; hard work
"it took a lot of effort to climb the mountain"
3) A notable achievement
"the book was her finest effort"
4) A series of actions advancing a principle or tending toward a particular end
"contributed to the war effort"
The word is used all the time in non-patronizing ways, from sport ("What a spectacular effort by Lionel Messi!") to news ("The Ukrainians put up a valiant effort defending against Russia's invading army") and everything in between.
You are in the minority if you think the word is condescending and used only for children. If anything, it's rude to simply reject someone's food without acknowledging the work (ie effort) put into preparing it. share
My goodness, not always!!
shareHonestly, that is one of the reasons I have never liked reporting to a woman manager, which I have on occasion. I would much rather deal with men.
shareThat ain't fair. Men does that too. When women ask their men are they cheating / thinking of other women, most men will not answer straight away either.
shareThere's a difference between intentional lying and providing vague or cryptic answers because you are pissed off with someone or hope to make someone jump through hoops.
shareI'm reminded of a Judge Judy episode where she made a comment about girls discovering their manipulative powers over boys at a young age. Mind you, this was the voice of experience: a woman, a mother, a judge. The moment I heard it, I agreed with it because of my own personal experiences. I felt somewhat vindicated. ;)
🤣
shareIf it's a short term relationship, I'd say it's likely immaturity. Grown ass women can be immature. Not everyone can communicate well, especially not their feelings, because a lot of people don't actually know how they feel and can't specifically say what's wrong all the time. It doesn't help if both people in a relationship are immature, because neither is trying to understand the other.
If it's a long-term relationship, as someone already said, it's much more likely that the woman has repeatedly said what was on her mind and has gone unheard and therefore finds no point in actually engaging with her partner - but she's still mad over whatever it is that's not being addressed.
My ex-son-in-law turned this around.
She: "When I did I treat your parents horribly?"
He: "Well, if you don't know I'm not gonna tell you!"
Again, that solves absolutely nothing. Turns out this isn't a women problem, it's a people problem. A cornerstone of communication is imparting information, even if you have to repeat yourself several times in order for that information to sink in.
shareExactly. Unfortunately, he doesn't get this. Nothing is resolved without proper information.
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