Why do most people feel sorry for Holden but not Alyssa?

I don't think people necessarily feel sorry for Holden, it's simply the fact that we've all made that mistake. Like Holden, we get hung up on our inadequacies--we search for complications to an issue that has nothing to do with our abilities. We see perfection, find our perfect "soul mate" and we get lost in that. So perhaps we sympathize for the fool of a man because we've been fools, like this man.

I speak as a man, and a fool, by the way. I sympathized with Alyssa, and really felt like her actions were completely warranted. I find Holden's character more interesting, but I do feel for Alyssa at the same time, I guess I just find both of their actions justifiable. It's such a sad deterioration of a relationship, but I feel like the deterioration was unavoidable by the characters... As to who suffered/sacrificed more, I think the point is moot. They both lost what they were searching for, as Alyssa puts it, they misplaced "the missing piece in the big *beep* puzzle," and they're both broken because of that lost love.

Beautiful, moving movie.

Some people mention Alyssa's lying, but I feel sorry for her because the lying was born of desperation to keep what she had found (i.e. Holden). Holden was right that she should have told him about her past. But once he suggested the three-way, all my sympathies were with Alyssa. Holden's suggestion was born of a self-serving desire to somehow achieve what he perceived as parity with Aylssa's 'experience' - as though they were not equal as a couple until both had shared similar experiences (whether it was multiple sexual partners, a same-sex relationship, etc.).
While I believe Holden's suggestion of a three-way was mis-guidedly sincere, I never saw it as anything other than a pathetic attempt to "atone" for Alyssa's earlier 'mis-deeds' by engaging in similar 'mis-deeds' himself. This ultimately showed a lack of respect for Alyssa. I think she was well rid of Holden.

although, if this was real life I would have beat the crap out of him for what he did, he was clearly wrong for bringing up the past and making it an issue, it is not her fault she had fun in high school while he played video games, you have to feel sorry for the guy because he was the naive inexperienced one. i mean, he never heard of lesbians inserting the whole hand?

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I think part of the reason several viewers feel no sympathy for Alyssa's character are the following:

A: She had an extremely experimental past, and is completely unapologetic about it (and if her experience was consenting, then why should she be?). An audience won't generally mind an "experimental" character, but what they don't generally tolerate is a character - especially a female lead - who is completely unapologetic about the fact and who would so easily just pin it down to "it happened, I was experimenting, deal with it" (my words, not hers).

B: Her switch onto Holden is so quick and after having previously been so absolutely sure of her sexuality viewers may think it hurts her character and makes her seem incredibly unsure about her life and a complete flake.

C: The fact that she DOESN'T stay after all that happens is what alot of viewers find unforgivable; Holden tries to give her a way to "redeem" herself and at the same time set himself on similiar ground and she walks away (quite rightly so!) and the fact that she does after an audience has sat there for an hour and a half waiting for the two to get together in the end is quite a let down.


What I can't understand is people having a huge amount of sympathy for Holden when it was his picking and inability to get over something insignificant from someone's past that was neither here nor there anymore and use it to subsequently sabotage the entire relationship.

I can't feel any pity for him after all that he did and his inability to let it go. I could pity him for having his doubts and being somewhat distressed, but I can't pity him for picking on her for something that happened long before they had met, I can't pity him for being stubborn and I definitely can't pity him for the way he thought he could "mend" things causing Alyssa to walk out.

I feel bad for Holden in the fact I like it when the guy gets the girl. I think Holden is an idiot both times.

First when he tried to bring it up at the hockey game in public. That is something they should of sat down at his apartment alone. He should of been calm and talk about it instead of trying to make her feel like crap and that he was better then her because of it.

Second was the whole threesome idea. Alyssa even tried to tell him to stop, but he was too dumb to understand he was making a mistake. Especially after the story from Silent Bob. If I could of reached into the screen I would slap him silly until he came to his senses.

In my opinion telling him the truth up front wouldn't of made things better. Holden freaked out first time because he found out she was into women and he was not going to be getting with her. She tracks him down because she likes him and wants to be friends. At this point it would make sense if she told him about her high school days, he would of freaked out even more and would of avoided her.

When they finally got together the bedroom conversion you can tell he is getting a kick out of the idea of being the first man so she is simply playing on his delusions. If during the cuddling scene she confessed that he was not the first man then he would of freaked out and treated her like hell.

Alyssa could of not told him about anything else other then having wild sex and he would of been okay with it. It is not the lie but the fact he was not enough of a man to be okay with her past. As far as Alyssa not telling her new gf that she dated Holden, well that would of made things more awkward at that point. Perhaps she confessed later, or did tell her about Holden and the relationship but didn't point him out to her.

It seemed that her whole sexual experience was trying to find the right person. She has experiences that she may not be proud of but she had the right to have those experiences. At some point she wanted to open her options by being with women. When she met Holden she realized she should consider him since she wanted to be open to love in the first place.





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Alyssa changed her whole life around for Holden where he didnt have to change a thing, she points this out to him in the movie, at the beginning of the film she was already in a relationship with another woman before Holden came along then she ended it to be with him changing her entire sexual orientation, alienating all her friends, a total upheavel of her life. Then Holden finds out about her past and wants her to do more just so he can feel like a big man?! Then a year later after she shifts her life drastically once more, because if you didnt notice she wasnt with another man at the end it was a woman, meaning she had to change her sexual orientation once more and then Holden comes along with a comic book that basically apologizes and admits he was wrong and what is she suppose to do change her entire life again because this man is really slow on the uptake?

You make some good points!

I actually sympathize with BOTH Alyssa and Holden.

Most people have made dumb choices when in love. Guys can be insecure when the woman has more experience. Holden was naturally insecure and just picked a terrible way to try and 'even the playing field.'

Alyssa, on the other hand, pretends she was always gay, chews Holden out in the rain about her sexual orientation not being a choice (which apparently it was for her). When she comes clean about her past, however, is when SHE becomes the victim because it was totally unfair for Holden to put her in the position to make her feel like she has to defend her choices and, at the end, relive an experience (i.e. threesome) that she knew to be a toxic situation.


To me, the REAL villian is Binky! Holden was happy in his ignorance about her past. Binky knew how Holden felt about Alyssa but did everything possible to tear her down. If the relationship ended, THEN is the time to be a friend and watch out for him. Don't take pride in killing your friend's happiness.