Tell a joke

Why does Italy look like a boot?
Because they couldn't fit all that shit in a shoe.

"What do you want for Christmas?"
"A divorce"
"Sorry, didn't mean to spend that much"

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He: "Have you heard, a new guy has moved into our street, a real Adonis, rumors say he already slept with all the women in the street, except of one"
She: "I bet that's the bitch from number 5"

[deleted]

Wouldn't be my topic if it wouldn't have at least one veeeeeery long joke in it.

A ruthless business man, let's call him John, has died and being an atheist to his surprise he finds himself in an afterlife.
He gives it some quick thought, been a bad guy, certainly he can't get to heaven, so he will probably be on the other side.
He finds himself in front of a huge gate that in this moment starts opening for him.
To his surprise behind the gate there's no fire and stuff, but a green grass field, a little forest on the side, a narrow river meanders through the trees, sunshine from a clear blue sky, perfect 28°C, a few picturesque mountains in the distance with a snowy white top, a light wind drives the lovely smell from the wild flowers in the grass into his nose, just perfect.
Then he notices a wooden booth between the trees that looks like a bar with a guy inside mixing drinks.
John walks over and asks the guy behind the bar what is going on, where he is and what this place is.
The guy behind the bar answers: "You're dead, this is hell and I'm the devil, would you like a drink?"

John is puzzled because he expected hell to be a whole lot different, but the devil says: "Nope, this is hell and it always looks like this, I know people on earth are spreading rumors about how horrible it is here, but that's just not true. Why don't you go and find yourself a lovely girl and go with her under the trees at the river? Shall I bring drinks out there?"

John isn't convinced, he asks if he can take a look around and the devil tells him he's free to do whatever he likes.
John starts walking towards the mountains in the distance, over all green grass fields in between small forests, lovely little rivers and under the trees he even sees a few couples having a romantic picnic or something.
Still not convinced John keeps walking and after several hours he reaches a huge building with massive walls, no windows and a very big iron gate with a dozen massive locks on the front.

John walks closer, sees in the gate a little spy hole and takes a look inside where he sees just what he expected hell would look like, fire and lava everywhere, human bodies burning and tortured, loud screaming, etc.
John figures, all the green fields must be a deception, to make him feel comfortable so that the shock will be even greater when the devil throws him in there, he rushes back to the entrance, finds the devil in the booth and confronts him.
"I have seen the truth, you can't lie to me anymore."
But the devil seems not to understand what John is talking about.
"I've seen that big building over there in the distance with all the tortured souls in it and that's where you will throw me in as well, I knew you were lying, one just can't trust the devil."
The devil laughs and replies: "No worries, you won't be thrown in there, that building is just for the Christians, they want it like that."

FYI, my joke was removed because MovieFanatic505 ran crying to the mods, begging them to take it down. He’s a censorious little bitch — subhuman filth.

He’s the reason you can’t see the joke. This is the "person", if you can call him that, who thinks he has the right to dictate what you can or can’t hear. He inserted himself between me and the people who wanted to hear what I had to say. A low-IQ retard, so drunk on his own delusions of authority that he took it upon himself to deprive you all of a laugh. You can thank him personally. His name is Toby.

My dad died peacefully of a heart attack, at work. Not screaming like all his passengers.

Holmes and Watson go camping. One evening they are lying on their backs, looking up at the sky.
"Tell me, Watson" says the detective after a few minutes, "what do you deduce from a quick glance at the stars?"
"I don't know, Holmes."
*It is that someone has stolen our tent."

What do you call a blond with two brain cells?
Pregnant
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If a blond and brunette fell out of a plane, who would land first?
The brunette, because the blond would stop and ask for directions.
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How do you drown a blond?
Put a scratch and sniff at the bottom of a pool and tell her to go sniff it.
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There was a blond who was sick of hearing blond jokes and was walking along the road one day. She came across a cornfield, and saw another blond rowing a boat out in the middle of it. The first blond got mad and yelled at the first, "You're the blond that gives us all blonds a bad name! If I could swim, I'd go out there and kick your ass!"
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There were two blonds robbing a bank. One blond gave instructions to the other, and the second blond went into the bank to carry them out, while the other stayed outside to keep a lookout for the cops. An hour later, there was an explosion, and the second blond ran out with the safe tied to her back, and the clerk ran out behind her with his pants down to his ankles. The first blond was furious when she saw this, and yelled to the second, "You idiot! I told you to blow up the safe and tie up the clerk!"
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There was this blond that was driving her car in a blizzard. The poor girl got lost in the snow, but remembered something her dad told had her when she first learned how to drive. "If you get lost," he told her at the time, "Go find a snow plow and follow it, because they always know their way back into town." So the blond went looking for a snow plow, found one, and started following it. After an hour or so, the driver stopped, got out, and came over to the blond's car. He had her roll down the window, and asked, "Why are you following me?" She told him she was lost, and just doing what her dad taught her to do to get back to town. The driver of the snow plow started laughing and said, "Well, I'm done with the Wal-Mart parking lot. Wanta follow me to Sam's Club next door?"