MovieChat Forums > (500) Days of Summer (2009) Discussion > Do you guys think Summer and him will ev...

Do you guys think Summer and him will ever be able to become friends?

posted 13 years ago by gusdanjaq
35 replies | jump to latest

I know Summer wouldn´t have a problem with it. But the guy was really in love with her, and suffered his biggest heartbreak because of her. Do you guys think he will ever be able to trust her enough to be his friend. To really see her as someone he can count on? Could that happen in real life (having a real friendship with someone who broke your heart). I am asking because an ex is asking me to start talking with me again. I know she only wants be friends with me because she is in a relationship right now. I just don´t think I can do it, I can´t see someone who broke my heart (really bad) as someone who I can trust as a friend. I don´t know if I am being inmature. We broke up a few years ago (I know,a lot of time), and it was because she didn´t love me as Idid with her. Anyway Idon´t know if I am being inmature by saying this. But well That´s how I feel. What do you guys think?

I believe in me. I'm a little screwed up but I'm beautiful.

[–] Ghost_Flower 13 years ago

Why would Tom even want to be friends with the loony who basically almost cost him his sanity as well?

"Frank, you disgust me. You disgust everyone, and you will never EVER be on that billboard."

[–] Marion_C 12 years ago

I think Tom did forgive Summer in that one scene by the bench, even if it was in his head. He wished Summer the best.

I think they would lose connection, but one day, find each other again, and have coffee and be friends again. It happens a lot.

"MALLL NOOO, JESUS CHRIST!" - Leonardo DiCaprio, Inception

[–] ntsci 12 years ago

I don`t think you are being immature. I have to wonder why your x wants to be friends. Friendly aquaintences is ok, but friends? No.

Being opposite sex friends is difficult in the best of circumstances.
Quite simply sexual desire gets in the way.
I know this from experience -- its happened to me a couple times where a female friend turned out to be interested in me romantically -- messy.

I think the only way that Tom and Summer could be friends is if both get married, and happily married to their respective spouses and see each other as couples. And only contact each other in terms of couples. Even better if Tom and Summer's hubby were good friends it would make the couples friendship possible.

Their friendship relationship would always have a cloud over it because the brain never really unlearns a pattern of behavior so they could easy slip into an affair with each other. All marriages go through periods of uncertainty and disappointment. That spark that lead her to get married will fade with time. And either Summer or Tom might at some point start dreaming about how they could have been happy together. If the timing is right, boom, an affair.

Even if they are totally innocent, if their spouses know about the relationship in the past, it is always going to be a source of tension. Emails between them might trigger fights between Tom and his wife, or between Summer and her hubby. Way back before we got married, my fiance had a fit when she found out I was still exchanging letter with an x-girlfriend of mine even though I had not seen that girl for more than 3 years. Never wrote to her again.

So back to your delemna, why does she want to be your friend? That makes no sense. Perhaps she wants her new guy to be jealous, some people get off on jealousy (a very stupid thing by the way).

I would try to be friendly, as in "nice weather isn't it", "have a nice weekend", "have a nice life", "good luck" and all that rot, but definitely not close friends.

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RIGOLETTO: I'm denied that common human right, to weep.

[–] sunflower86 12 years ago

I think there's a saying something like "The thing about needs is once they're met, you don't need them anymore"

I think after someone breaks up with you, there is this overwelming desire to get them back. It's like that person has made you so happy you forget how you were ever happy before they were around. Combine that with the misery of them leaving you and you're left pretty much doing anything you can to get them back regardless of whether being together is truly the right thing.

Tom is so desperate to have Summer back in his life, he completely ignores how miserable she often made him feel due to her inability to give him what he needed. I do believe at the end of the movie Tom has let go of any anger towards Summer and he truly does wish her happiness. Thats the point 2 people COULD be friends. However, when you realize you can be happy without a person, you kind of stop needing them or wanting them around so much.

I think once Tom realized he didn't 'need' her anymore, he was able to look at what their relationship actually was and realized his need for her was based completely around her leaving him and his fear of being unhappy without her. So the answer is YES, you could be friends once this happened. But would you really want to or care to? I'd say probably not.

[–] Travel_Chick_UK 12 years ago

No. I definitely don't think that if you really, truly loved someone and they broke your heart (especially if it was for the first time) that you could be friends afterwards. You may be able to see each other occasionally (if circumstances necessitate) and be civil to each other, but that's the limit. Its 7 years since my real first love shattered my heart into a zillion pieces and although I feel ok about it now, I know I still wouldn't want to see him, especially with his wife and kid.

[–] ntsci 12 years ago

I don't know about real friends per se, but I've recently reconnected on Linkedin with a woman who broke my heart about 34 years ago... I can't say we're "friends" per se (on linkedin we're connected), but I bear her no ill will -- anyway, my wife looks better than see does, lol. But the whole idea of friendship between men and women is difficult. While men and women can be casual friends being close friends often leads to sexual attraction, affairs and so on. I experienced this recently; had a close female friend who got drunk one night and revealed by email that she was attracted to me. Its was very difficult to be "Just friends" after that... Right now shes not speaking to me. lol.

I think the only way that Summer and Tom could actually be friends is if they are couple friends. That is both are married and see each other in a couples context. And that would only work if Tom and Summer's husband were friends, and Summer and Tom's wife were friends, and they never spent time alone... But it would be risky. The problem with the brain is that it doesn't really unlearn things so that its easy to slip back into old patterns of behavior. So even if they were both happily married, there is a chance that they would end up having sex, and so on. Best off, just saying goodbye to each other.

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RIGOLETTO: I'm denied that common human right, to weep.

[–] 12 years ago

[deleted]

[–] ntsci 12 years ago

technically its not "psychotic", more neurotic, but otherwise you are right, by the end of the film he has moved on.

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RIGOLETTO: I'm denied that common human right, to weep.

[–] Chik_Kurosaki21 12 years ago

That´s a line I really hate ... We can still be friends..*beep* THAT. Friends doesnt treat that way, real friends doesnt hurt you ,dont lie to you and dont make you feel like *beep*

I would tell you to stay away, and ignore her... I dont think you are inmature is just that NO. things doesnt work that way. It never can be a frienship after you have lived many things with that person ..intimate personal things...

I´ve tell my bf many times if we ever broke up for good I dont want you in my life anymore as nothing.

[–] ntsci 12 years ago

Its nice if a couple breaks up and are friendly about it, maybe become casual acquaintances, but cannot be go back to being close non-sexual friends. It just doesn't work. Typically if a couple breaks up and the guy tries to be a friend, its only because he's hoping they'll get back together, so its really just prolonging the agony of the break up.

"It never can be a friendship after you have lived many things with that person"
I wouldn't say never. Sometimes after a long time has gone by, and both have moved on to other relationships, the couple can go back to being friends (but not close friends). Some couples who get divorced, actually become friends after the divorce and work together cooperatively for the sake of their kids... but its the exception not the rule (most just bicker).

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RIGOLETTO: I'm denied that common human right, to weep.

[–] Boricanator 11 years ago

I tries to remain friends with my last girlfriend, but it was just not possible. I was the one that broke up with her and she didn't handle it well. I still had strong feelings for her as well. So I had to disconnect with her on all fronts: email, facebook, twitter...etc.

If either or both of you can't handle it, you should disconnect and move on.

[–] SweetNSpunky 11 years ago

If you both still had feelings why complicate things? Get back together. People make love harder then it really is. Sorry, not an attack on you, just in general.

You're welcome

[–] NeoLobo 11 years ago

NO, NO, NO, NO, NO...uhm NO! In this movie, as in real life, there is almost no good reason for the remaining of "friends" once you are broken up. I have two failed marriages and a *beep* of ex-girlfriends, NONE of which I am friends with today. I am only "cordial" with my first wife because she is the mother of my children.

There is a reason that you are EXES. My second marriage was as toxic and any could be and we even divorced and STILL ended up together and broken up three more times. The reason...we stayed "friends". Too much passion between two people to end it and try to reconnect on a much less intimate level. She and I had other relationships in between breaks, but in the end, because we stayed "friends" we would always lament about the good times, somehow forgetting all the bad times, of course until we were back together and all the toxicity started to return. My ex went on a crazy drug binge, destroyed my car, assaulted me in front of my daughter, got me fired, and accused me of beating her up (filed police reports that were dropped for no evidence thank God)at the very end. I loved her and thought she loved me and couldn't understand why. Then about 6 months later, after NO contact of any type with her, I came home one day and found a note from her.

In a nutshell, it had no address, no means to contact her. In short, it read "I am sorry for all the pain I have caused you ... I will always have a spot in my heart for you but we both know we are just no good for each other...I know how you over analyze things and have probably been wondering why the hell did I go so far in the end? Because I knew that I had to something so extreme that you would cut me out forever, because I was not strong enough to do it myself. Take care and know that I will always love you." That was 4 months ago. No contact since then.

My whole point here was that the "friends" option is just a trap-door waiting to open up. Regardless of if you are in a relationship, if she is in a relationship or both.

The best analogy I every heard about getting back your ex goes like this. Staying Close with an Ex is like finding a pair of shoes in the back of your closet that you LOVED but couldn't quite remember why the hell you stopped wearing them. SO you take them out, clean them up, and start prancing around town in them. Slowly over time, you start getting blisters, there is no arch support, the toe is cramped on the one shoe, etc. Then it hit's you. THAT's why i stopped wearing these FooKing shoes.... So, they threw them away, NOT back in to the closet.

All of this is just my opinion, but trust me, use sunscreen. :)

[–] ntsci 11 years ago

Sad but true once two people see each other romantically, they can't go back... but its possible years later. Some couples a few years after a divorce once all the passion and pain has faded away can be friendly towards each other (especially regarding working with each other for their children), but not real friends, more like co-workers working on a common goal (their kids).

My best friend recently linked himself on a social network with a girl he had dated years earlier. They're not trying to be actual friends though.

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RIGOLETTO: I'm denied that common human right, to weep.

[–] Boricanator 11 years ago

I know you said you were talking in general, but I'll address the question.

While we did love each other, we had unworkable problems. That is just how life is. I have another girl now, whom I am very in love with and it is going great. Sometimes having strong feelings is not enough.