My cat Frances is looking for a boyfriend

JFC that must be a sprayfest.

[–] Kowalski (77246) 6 hours ago

I HAVE 13 MALE CATS.🫤

You own 13 Cats?? I bet your home smells like cat shit

Frances wonders if all 13 might be interested. She got this excited look in her eye when I told her they were in California. She said she's going to tell her friends she doesn't actually have any friends that they're movie stars.

Oh no, she's not looking for sex. She just wants to be able to brag to the local squirrels and chipmunks that she has many admirers. I asked her about your guinea pig and she got sort of a far away look in her eye and said that she might be open to that.

Would he?

It does sound like he has quite a bit in common with her. In addition to the aforementioned traits, she also likes to go inexplicably berserk at times, running around the house as if her life depends on it, chasing nothing. I hope that wouldn't be a turn off.

I should warn you, though, that she may already be in a relationship with Kowalski's 13 cats and Onan's guinea pig. Do you think he would agree to an open relationship?

When I mentioned him Frances's ears perked up. She always has been a sucker for a bad boy. I hate to ask such an embarrassing question, but she wonders if you've seen him wearing black leather?

Well, she's only looking for long distance relationships. I didn't pass along the rest of your message to her.

Did you just do a racism?

Frances would love to be able to brag to the squirrels and chipmunks in the yard that she's dating a big strong German Shepherd.

As far as interspecies she has no problem with that. A few years back I caught her looking (from the safety of the screened-in porch) at a lizard that crawled out from under our basketball goal. He actually lived there for quite a while and she would stare at him longingly whenever he would emerge. His name was Ricardo, but eventually he disappeared. It's been a hard road for Frances since he left but she's ready to try again.

The only use that Frances has for humans is for her servants. She's already got Mr. fourlemons and me for that.

Upon seeing your first sentence, I first thought you might be offering her your flower pot. Frances isn't very bright and probably would have accepted that as her boyfriend.

She does have a thing for lizards though. The story behind the lizard under the basketball goal (if you saw my response to nyctc above) is that our neighbor's girlfriend had some sort of exotic lizard from the Iberian peninsula, and when they broke up and she moved out she set it free and he took up residence under our basketball goal for a while. We named him Ricardo. Eventually, though, he disappeared.

Gosh, when I tell her she might have an Italian lizard boyfriend she may not be able to control herself. And you don't have to catch it. I'm not asking for anyone to send me an actual pet. Frances is just a little bit insecure and likes to brag that she has lots of boyfriends. This is solely for bragging rights.