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100 things We learned from Watching Spectre

posted 9 years ago by mechajutaro
72 replies | jump to latest

I'll get us started:

1. This installation of the franchise solidifies it once and for all: running through a plate glass window won't mark you with so much as a scratch, especially if you're wearing a tuxedo during said stunt.

2. MI6's susceptiblity to corruption(we're talkin' personnel that isn't content to sell intell to the opposition: they're actively working for the pukes) that makes the Mexican police and army look certifiably Mayberry-ish by comparison

3.Lea Seydeux: Living testament that being the spawn of two close relatives can, on occasion, produce an achingly delectable result, with nary a web between one of those fingers or toes.

4. Slamming into a car with two seasoned covert operatives seated inside will render them immediately unconscious.

5. Claim to be the chief of British Secret Intelligence to any cop in London; they'll not only bite without so much as asking for ID, but obey a directive to stand their fellow officers down without hesitation.

6. If you're a hatchet man for an international criminal organization tasked with the liquidation of both one of the 00 program's top operatives and the daughter of an assassin, don't bother bringing a gun to the ambush. You won't have to worry about either getting shot by your quarry, much less having a rope and barrel looped round your neck and thrown off of a train.

7. Carrying a back up gun(ankle holster, underneath the rear waistband of one's trousers, etc.)is anathema to one of the world's most formidable Action Men, even when a blood thirsty Dave Bautista is on your tail.

All I's got at present. Someone else go...

[–] mike_bates 9 years ago

8. The second you start a fight on a train all the other diners will vanish.

9. During said fight, no-one will try to intervene and stop it.

10. After fight just carry on as normal and the train manager will just drop you off on your way.

11. In London the Police can cordon off an area seconds after a major incident.

[–] mechajutaro 9 years ago

12. A jaded daughter of a largely absentee father(potentially uncharitable views of men subsequently;?Naaaaaaaaw)will declare her love for you after 2-3 days in your presence. Just be sure to get tortured in front of her.

13. Q may have to rely on fellow riders to stand between he and random Spectre goons on the sky lift, but man can he dodge bullets when in the backseat of a car.

14. Monica Belluci is to wrinkles what Kendall Jenner is to undies. A gal who rarely indulges...

15. This many years after WW2, the nefarious European in cinema is still almost guaranteed to speak with a pronounced German accent.

16. The government has a tough time scrounging together the funds necessary to pave over potholes and supply our troops with body armor, yet has no difficulty outfitting one spy with a ride tricked out with flamethrowers, machine guns, and an ejection seat, to the tune of nearly 1 Mill...

[–] Vansnitchzel 9 years ago

It has nothing to do with WW2. It's just that no other laguage sounds that badass...

Besides, Blofeld is German/Germanic Swiss, so obviously?

[–] mechajutaro 9 years ago

It has nothing to do with WW2. It's just that no other laguage sounds that badass...

Dothraki, provided Momoa is up for menacing our hero in the next adventure.

Besides, Blofeld is German/Germanic Swiss, so obviously?

He sounded conspicuously Irish in You Only Live Twice; not familiar enough with Fleming's original characterization to even speculate on what his origin might have been

[–] TheManWithTheGoldeneye 9 years ago

Blofeld was originally polish.

His vocals were changed with the appearance changes also.

This incarnation was German because of the tie-together with Hannes Oberhauser. And they would have no lead without Bond being personally connected to the leader of the organization somehow.

[–] MBerlant 9 years ago

16a. Plenty of money for the new Aston Martin, but no money for a front number plate.

[–] mechajutaro 9 years ago

8. The second you start a fight on a train all the other diners will vanish.

9. During said fight, no-one will try to intervene and stop it.

Upon seeing Spec for the second time night before last, I found myself pondering your observation in 9, Mike. That entire car looked heavily populated aside from just Bond and Swan, didn't it? Not terribly surprised that our heroes received a dearth of aid, I must confess; their assailant was the same dude legitimately puzzled by the illegality of ripping out someone's spine over Guardians of the Galaxy way....

[–] zoltan42 9 years ago

8. The second you start a fight on a train all the other diners will vanish.

9. During said fight, no-one will try to intervene and stop it.

10. After fight just carry on as normal and the train manager will just drop you off on your way.

Not just the diners. Once the waiter brought the drinks, I don't recall seeing anyone else on the train, not in the club car, the kitchen, etc.

As that great philosopher Bugs Bunny said, "Something tells me I shoulda stood in bed."

[–] don_eladio 9 years ago

17. While on the run from a terrorist group MI6 agents and their soone to be girlfriend somehow manage to change their designer clothes on almost every occasion.

18. Villians in the Bond universe (for whatever reason) like to stroke cats.

19. Super secret terrorist group that is able to infiltrate British intelligence agency holds their meeting in the middle of Rome and the only security measurement is to check if the attentands wear a certain ring.

[–] ehaas-3 9 years ago

20. Even if one of the rings is known to be missing! :)

[–] Vansnitchzel 9 years ago

Correction, Blofeld likes cats. Or is there another villain you remember with cats?

[–] sth78 9 years ago

Vito Corleone in The Godfather had the same catstroking fetish.

[–] EmpireKing 9 years ago

21. If you're running out of story ideas after 23 movies, just look to Austin Powers for inspiration for the next one.

[–] mechajutaro 9 years ago

23. When Danno decides he's had his fill of portraying Bond, he becomes the executive producer for the express purpose of installing a final scene that could just as well serve as the finale of the franchise entirely. Someone tap dude to fill out SpiderMan's costume, for God's sake.

[–] MiloSuperSpesh 9 years ago

tbf after you've had a long time filming, been injured, been away from your family/friends, constantly jetting around, then have to put up with morons asking you the same stupid questions, or not even bothering to listen to your answers or not even bothering to make some effort with the questions, i reckon you'd get a bit pissed off.

[–] MiloSuperSpesh 9 years ago

22. when being tortured and threaten with losing your senses, grip a watch really tightly in your hand and struggle a little bit, it'll hurt but you'll be fine with no sign of injury despite the 'needle/drill bit' dripping with your blood.

23. bad guys love going to strange places off the map in the middle of nowhere to set up shop, yet some how manage to have plenty of minions and servants all with modern conveniences, and no one bats an eye about it.

24. stealling a '£3 million' prototype car is all good if it's meant for someone else and you leave a bottle of bollenger champaigne as a sorry/thank you, which apparently q was happy for 009 to take out before it was tested properly.

25. they can rebuild an old classic db5 from the 1960's/1970's in the space of a week with seemingly limited staff and no funds after the operation of the mi6 is being closed down.

26. sam smith cannot sing and needs his balls re attached.

27. 3 minutes in the movie lasts about 5 minutes, bond and swan walk of a building and land on a metal mesh several feet below them and walk away totally fine to find a prefectly good prestine condition boat, another pistol and ammo.

28. 'm' can walk through walls after being side impacted in a tunnel.

29... armored cars only have armor on the windscreen.

30...blofeld can survive a watch bomb exploding under neath him, a facility blowing up around him and find someone alive and call for a lift back to london before bond and co can organise.

[–] Averroes88 9 years ago

31. You can blow up an entire secret base by shooting ONE SINGLE BULLET in a little gaz pipe popping out. In fact, when you're a super powerful secret organisation and you're worried about building the most durable hideout base possible, you usually make sure to design it in such a way that a sniper standing 2 miles out could take the entire base out with one shot. It's just more secure like that, guys.

32. You are James Bond, a former SAS and a highly trained 00 agent. When you're on a mission to kill a target, what you do once you've acquired his location is take a hot girl with you, travel there in plain sight, let them know you're on your way, in fact take a glass of champagne on arrival and of course, leave your gun at the door, to be a nice guest, all the while stating your intentions very clearly. You'll for sure find a way to go for the kill much later, with a one in a million close call that you were totally prepared for.

33. You are James Bond, a former SAS and a highly trained 00 agent. When you decide to snipe some people standing behind a window, you point your laser right between them so that they see it on the wall and get a chance to react. So pro, much wow!

34. You are a hot young independent woman, minding your own business. You fall in love with a guy running around killing people after exactly 5 minutes of meeting him, and decide to follow him until the end of the world.

34. You are James Bond, a former SAS and a highly trained 00 agent. You fall in love with the hot young independent woman 5 minutes after meeting her. She is now the woman of your life, no questions asked.

35. You are James Bond, a former SAS and a highly trained 00 agent. You end up talking with a recently widowed mature woman alone in her room, and after 30 seconds you and her both decide it's the perfect time for sex, given there are 2 dead guards in the garden outside, and more could come any minute.

Someone else pick this up please, there must be other gems in this crapfest

[–] Averroes88 9 years ago

Oh and I almost forgot:

36. Bad guys go to their local CopyTop to print out *beep* A4 format black and white portraits of former bad guys and pin them to the corridor James Bond will walk through. It will mess up with James Bond's head... or not. In fact, Bond just looks at them go "meh."
Like the audience, in fact.

[–] MiloSuperSpesh 9 years ago

37: Blofeld finds the one intact bullet proof glassed off room to stand behind/wait for bond to show up in the abandoned previously blown up mi6 building which mostly lays in ruins, just to do some cliche bad guy posturing about how he's going to win... again....

38: apparently spectre can spy on mr white in the middle of nowhere in a run down log cabin, which has a basement fully kitted out and good power supply.

[–] jon_combo 9 years ago

38. Didn't Batista just collect the footage? Did they always have a live feed?

[–] MiloSuperSpesh 9 years ago

possibly.

[–] mariakelly-04164 8 years ago

39.When a MI6 agent starts to integrate a mouse at gunpoint, it's time for a career change.

Vodka Martini

Shaken or Stirred?

Do I look like I give a damn?

[–] mechajutaro 9 years ago

You are James Bond, a former SAS and a highly trained 00 agent.

To be fair, our hero's dossier, revamped during Casino Royale, describes him as a Naval intell officer who trained a little with SBS; don't recall any mention of dude receiving mentoring at The Regiment's hands at any point. Stands to reason that his instruction in the finer points of Spec Ops may be scattershot in some respects....

[–] tommyk1287 9 years ago

39. The entire organization of Spectre shares a single ring between their villainous henchmen so that it can neatly carry all their DNA in one incriminating package.

[–] cjbussey81 9 years ago

40. The streets of central Rome are deserted at night, making them perfect for a leisurely high-speed chase. As are those of central London, apparently.

41. A single well-aimed pistol shot from a small 9mm handgun, fired from a speedboat moving across a river, is enough to bring down a speeding helicopter hundreds of feet ahead of and above you.

42. Being jealous of your father taking in an orphan is enough to want to kill him, fake your own death and rise to the top of a ruthless international criminal cabal in order to keep torturing said orphan, both emotionally and physically, for the better part of ten years.

43. Every secret intelligence organization in the world is capable of being thoroughly infiltrated and compromised by bad guys and used for their own evil purposes without anyone suspecting at all.

44. The British government can afford to build a £3 million prototype sports car that shoots fire out of its exhaust pipes, but it can't afford to construct a shiny new building along the Thames to house a vitally important, computerized surveillance operation that is meant to be shared with eight other national governments.

45. Your dead boss will always leave behind a video file pointing you, and only you, in the direction of the shadowy international criminal cabal that was responsible for her death, but she will not, under any circumstances, share her suspicions about that organization's existence or the threat it may pose while she is still alive (even though a subset of that organization managed to infiltrate her agency and try to kill her twice before.)

46. When needing to rescue a woman you just met from the clutches of the henchmen who just snatched her from a remote mountaintop health resort, a large airplane will of course be stored nearby, fueled and ready to go at a moment's notice. Neither stealing nor crashing it will be a problem.

"Beethoven had his critics too, Keith. See if you can name three of 'em."

[–] mechajutaro 9 years ago

47. An international criminal organization savvy enough to perpetrate global mayhem for years on end while evading detection almost entirely will inevitably send all of two goons sans backup to do in the widow of one of you're operatives, even after you've spotted a 00 chatting her up.

48. The genius level intellect chief of this international criminal organization will allow the 00 program's most vaunted member to spy on a get together of bad guys for several minutes before making him aware that he's noticed him; that doing so gives Bond either ample opportunity to place a fatal shot or escape right from under his clutches doesn't occur to a dude capable of hijacking the World Wide Web

[–] CinnaBuff 9 years ago

39 a. Q will of course be carrying a special 'ring decoder' attachment with his laptop. I believe they were issued...hmmm..I want to say....August of 2014, or maybe it was September, at any rate I've lost the memo of when they were finished.

[–] scoup 9 years ago

49. When you are SECRET agent Bond, you dress in costume to hide your identity and pass up the casual sex so that you can later attack your target in full view of thousands of people with cameras filming your helicopter beatdown

50. Apparently several ton helicopters turn in unbalanced circles from the weight of 2 men fighting

51. You will not hurt your hand/arm punching through a wall, nor will you bleed or have bruises.

52. Needles into your brain produce no other effect than pain, let alone vertigo or double vision. Matter of fact, it seems to increase running and shooting skills.

53. The best way to exact revenge is to cause brain damage so that you cannot remember the face of the person you love because...wait what??? Note to self: consult Steve Wozniak, Jane Goodall, Paul Dirac, etc... to discuss how this disorder ruined their lives.

[–] mechajutaro 9 years ago

53. The best way to exact revenge is to cause brain damage so that you cannot remember the face of the person you love because...wait what??? Note to self: consult Steve Wozniak, Jane Goodall, Paul Dirac, etc... to discuss how this disorder ruined their lives.

54. When you're James Bond, you've the unmatched animal magnetism that ensnares a woman's undying love within two-three days tops, thus rendering Blofeld's torments doubly heinous. Leaving someone with permanent cognitive impairments just ain't cruel enough.

55. When your James Bond, your invulnerable to permanent cognitive impairment, drunkeness, being cut by glass or dry wall, bruising even after being pummeled by a former WCW star, magazines that never run out of bullets unless you personally removed said mag from your weapon just to be symbolic, and incurring irrepairbly mangled genitals after being whipped in this area multiple times. This imperviousness doesn't extend to Mr. Slate's knife or being knocked unconscious in a car wreck though.

56. Dave Bautista is flame retardant.

[–] awastie 9 years ago

57. You're an evil, psychopathic master criminal and only one man stands between you and your goal of world domination. You have him willingly walk into your trap and capture him. DO NOT KILL HIM!! Do not put a bullet into his head the moment you see him. Instead, strap him to a chair (badly), don't check for any potential weapons he may have on him, and drill little needles into him that don't seem to affect him at all.

[–] Boni-The-Sock 9 years ago

Aw, c'mon, that was classic Bond right there. Bond being tortured and escaping with his gadgets happened all the time before. But okay...

58. You may have your right eye blinded after an explosion... but your "wounds will heal".

English isn't my primary language, but at least I know more words than you

[–] mechajutaro 9 years ago

59. There's a neverending assortment of women out there with catchy monikers and supermodelesque looks working fairly ordinary professions waiting to be swept off their feet and into a few days of globetrotting adventure if you happen to be on MI-6's pay role.

[–] mechajutaro 9 years ago

Aw, c'mon, that was classic Bond right there. Bond being tortured and escaping with his gadgets happened all the time before. But okay...

The sequence, like the rest of the movie, was nothing less than exhilarating, absolutely. Doesn't make it any less immune when it comes to mining for comedy; it's always been my impression that inciting merriment was the focus of this exercise, regardless of the movie it's applied to.

[–] midflinx007 9 years ago

60. Bond can follow the wife of a deceased baddie home to her estate without her noticing or the henchmen sent to kill her.

61. After disabling an SUV in the snow and freeing a hostage, don't take five seconds to put two bullets in each unconscious baddie in the car so they can't come after you again.

62. Evil organizations ring their hideouts with tanks of explosive stuff that will all fail if one blows.

63. Evil organizations don't settle for irrigating their green lawns in the desert at night. They're so evil they'll waste water using inefficient sprinklers during the day.

[–] beta322 9 years ago

64. Every single person on the street during Day of the Dead parades in Mexico City has professional quality makeup and costumes.

65. Minutes after regaining consciousness, it's possible to just brute force snap a zip-tie off your wrists.

66. Smart blood.

67. In an establishing shot that includes both Parliament and the London Eye, it's not in any way superfluous to put up a "London" subtitle on screen.

68. People who work as data analysts for a criminal mastermind should be prepared to all stand up in unison and adopt the exact same pose as soon as the boss turns out the lights on their workstations. Maybe it's in an orientation video they all watch during onboarding.

[–] mechajutaro 9 years ago

69. Lavishly priced Saville Row suits are the ideal attire to don when one's assassinating someone, knowing full well that your target is the company of armed killers that aren't likely to allow their hombre to get iced right in front of them without then doing doing their utmost to put a few holes in you.

70. Professional Action Men hand around buildings after an explosion to see whether or not they fall face forward and into his direction

[–] falseprophet616 9 years ago

65 RE: Anyone can do this with the right technique, google it. Bond is a trained secret agent and quite conscious as we just witnessed him eliminate two men with ease.

66 RE: Yeah, that was completely pointless. Just so we can have the rogue agent trope AGAIN...

67 RE: Well you could live in Mexico and think a different title is superfluous. You either do all or none.

[–] mechajutaro 9 years ago

71. There will inevitably be an outcry for a black Bond in the wake of every new adventure. There's yet to be a similar campaign for a white Shaft.

72.Those sweating the above(world hunger, sexual slavery-hell, the continuance of slavery generally-poverty... such trivialities pale when compared to the existential crisis that is the latest Bond successor)remain convinced that the human race is divided stringently between black and white alone. The existence of Hispanic, Oriental, Near Eastern, and AmerIndian actors is anathema to these staunch warriors for social change.

[–] polsixe 9 years ago

2) read up on Kim Philby

3) what?

4) stunned for a few seconds, but no side curtain airbags on those Brit Govt Jag sedans?

5) could be standing orders at the Bill to respond to double-naught agents when needed, no questions asked, regular reminders at daily watch briefings.

6) he was confident in his bare hands, and he may have lost his favourite double barrelled hand cannon back in Austria.

7) I would amscray too

8) yeah right, some good citizen would step up and say "break it up guys, can't we all just get along?, we're trying to have dinner here."

10) cash money, no questions

11) if they were closeby, not all cops are back in the office or donut shop.

12) love is an overused term, but Bond could have been Mr. Right Now for her.

13) ducking bullets is luck, not like he did a Matrix Neo thing there.

14) she was visibly 50 something, ??

15) there's German, Italian, French, Spanish,and English, maybe Swede. So 1/6 chance of talking in those accents.

16) national security trumps local roads.

[–] mechajutaro 9 years ago

2) read up on Kim Philby

He was a textbook turncoat, passing along intell in exchange for lavish bribery alone, never actually behaving as a bona fide KGB operative carrying out missions designed by Moscow in the service of the USSR. He was content to simply remain a rat.

3) what?

Lea Seydoux's heritage; read up on it

16) national security trumps local roads.

Perhaps; this nonetheless seems tantamount to a person who finds boiling water challenging taking on the preparation of a four course feast.

14) she was visibly 50 something, ??

Meant this as a compliment; pity that every gal on this planet isn't as lucky

8) yeah right, some good citizen would step up and say "break it up guys, can't we all just get along?, we're trying to have dinner here."

Didn't find the absence of intervention unbelievable; the entire car being empty in the space of two scenes on the other hand, is a nigh impossible sell. The less remarked on the plausibility of anyone not hanging round to record such a brawl on the iPhone, the more refreshing.

[–] clashwho 9 years ago

73. You've just captured a legendary 00 agent. Don't worry, that's just an ordinary watch he's wearing. No need to remove it.

All this machine does is swim, and eat, and make little sharks. -- Matt Hooper, JAWS