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Things You Learned From Watching Chernobyl Diaries


I finally got to see this on blu-ray after my local cinema refused to show it!

1) When going on an "Extreme Tour", always let someone know where you're going and that if they don't hear back from you by a certain time, to call the police, army etc to come looking for you - just in case the tour guide "works alone"

2) When an armed guard tells you not to go into an area due to "maintenance", there is probably a very good reason not to go there that he hasn't told you about

3) For some reason there is only four hours of daylight in Pripyat, so it's probably best to take the journey there in the dark, arriving at sunrise, that gives you two hours to look around, and another two to walk back to the checkpoint in case the vehicle breaks down.

4) Never go swimming in, or walk across a rotting bridge over a lake or river which a group of starving German Shepherd dogs are keeping well clear of, as there's probably something nasty in there that bites!

5) Geiger counters normally explode when the radiation levels become too high, so if yours explodes, you're *beep*

6) When you are sitting inside a vehicle in a potentially hostile area during the night, it's best not to keep the light on until the battery runs completely flat - see Jaws for additional proof.

7) When you are being chased through some old building by hostile forces, by all means close the doors behind you to slow them down, but before you do, make sure you are the right side of them!

8) In some countries, the special forces are trained to abandon defenceless people in hostile areas that are under their protection, and to go on the offensive.

9) If you need to take a rest in an abandoned town at night, never sit at the top of a staircase that leads to a subway.

10) Mannequins from clothes shops can be very useful to cause distrations at night.

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1. They still have that final girl cliched mentality. Yes even though they all get killed a woman is still the last to go. I'm waiting on a movie that breaks this tired stale and very predictable mold the horror genre is set in.

2. One of the group is excellent in speaking Russian. But when they are finally "rescued" and told by the troops to stop and don't come closer. The person in question acts like they don't understand. So they walk onwards and get killed for not obeying a simple command.

3. The blonde girl of the group likes to show the viewer her tits every chance she gets. It started at about 7 minutes into the movie. As they were sitting in the cafe discussing the situation (to go or not to go). The way she sits in that chair with that blue top on, it's like she's trying to sit straight and yet stick her tits out as far as she can. Even when Yuri stopped the van at the river when she gets out she's at it again!.

4. Not one single person in the group is likeable. Only the tour guide Yuri is the only likeable one of the bunch. But then Yuri is not one of the group. Bad move to make on that one me thinks. I tend to dislike it when there is no even one single remotely likeable person in the group.

5. Always run around in the dark with flashlights waving left right and center. This is to show the baddies where you are. It doesn't take long for the eyes to adjust to the dark. So switch the *beep* lights OFF and wait it out for a few minutes til the eyes "start" adjusting then move out. Use the darkness to your advantage. DONT do what these pack of dildos did. Do the exact opposite.

6. When running across a small rotten wooded bridge NEVER run on the middle of each board. It will only increase the risk of the boards breaking due to age and rot. Step quickly on the outer edges of each board as you move across the bridge. This might look daft as you do it, but it will decrease the risk of the boards breaking as you charge across the thing. Otherwise you will end up like these useless articles in the movie. And fall into the river where mutated fish attack you.

7. DONT WASTE AMMO FOR THE ONLY GUN YOU HAVE. Only shoot when they are within throwing distance. And never blind fire if they are infront of you. Always wait for the shot. It WILL pay off in the end in doing so. Not this three shots into a door and then fire off indiscriminately in any direction when running away from the enemy.

8. Grow a pair of tits. It will mean the difference between getting killed first or surviving til the end. Those with no diddies usually end up as cannon fodder for the killer(s).

9. Grab a pipe or crowbar or something else that can be used as a weapon. Then go for help if the rest wont. I am referring to the bit during daylight when Yuri said he couldn't fix the van. And that it was 20 kilometers to the nearest checkpoint. Most could do that if they set a decent pace. Go between walking to quickening up the pace a bit. Then two to three hours later you'd be there. Better than sitting in a van like a pack of hairy dildos waiting to get butchered.

10. The group always makes too much noise when being chased by unknown killers in the darkness. Yeah good one that. Why didn't they just send up a *beep* flare that when it explodes in the air it reads "HERE I AM MR BADMAN COME GET ME!" *beep* idiots never knew when to ZIP IT during the chase scenes.

"Since the stars have shone. The Devil has shown me the way"

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1. Always lock your van so they can't tear out the wires
2. Always bring lots of jerky and keep it on you - hungry dogs Love jerky
3. Always bring Eye Drops in case you walk through a reactor.
4. Never trust medical staff helping you off the gurney when you're not in a hospital room
5. Always bring bread crumbs to help you retrace your steps so you don't travel all the way into the reactor
6. Always make sure you get the engagement ring sized to fit her - that way she won't lose it when she's running from mutant freaks
7. Don't use your expensive camera's built in flash to help you escape from dark dwelling mutants.
8. Always take a black op Australian along with you - they can do everything!
9. If you survive this Extreme Tour - next stop is the Love canal and Fermi 2.

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1. The group act like they have never played a video game or watched a single horror movie before in their lives. No wonder they mostly all got wasted in no time at all.

2. If someone from the group disappears ALWAYS shout loudly into the night to find out where they are. Even if the assailants are unknown in number and in looks.

Not the best idea that. It will only allow the bad guys to find you quicker by shouting.

"Your life is lost, your soul is damned. But it feels too good to make a stand"

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1. When you realise that your skin is burning due to radiation levels 1500X higher than normal, stop and cry a little for your fallen friend while resting your hand on radioactive plutonium magma.

2. When in a highly contaminated zone, try to find big metal objects(which are essentially radiation sponges) like a bus and hide inside them until you pass out from radiation poisoning.

3. Don't underestimate dogs. You will not be able to "walk around them".

4. Ensure you knock the radioactive dust off of every single furniture object in the contaminated flats and get it all over you. It will make you invisible.

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You must be new here

--
Biomech

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Art thou referring to moi?.

"Well, that's it. I'm getting out of this town alive if it kills me"

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1. They still have that final girl cliched mentality. Yes even though they all get killed a woman is still the last to go. I'm waiting on a movie that breaks this tired stale and very predictable mold the horror genre is set in.

Yes! Thank you! I was thinking the same thing. I wasn't at all surprised but was it even necessary?

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38) Explain to everyone there's no time to waste mourning/looking for their loved ones.
39) When you lose a loved one, break down and remain curled up on the floor while people tell you there's no time to waste mourning/looking for them.

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That was Jesse McCartney.



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- You should always be grateful that your tour guide carries a gun. Even though he will take said gun for a night time stroll into the woods. Despite having no idea what he is up against.

- It's always better to leave the comfort of a group and the shelter of a van, to venture into the night investigating a noise. Rather than take criticism of your new found job.

- Mutants either never age. Or they pro create (See little girl Scene)

- Mutants never go out during the day, unless it's to destroy vehicle wires.

- Ukrainian madmen will keep you alive, even giving you breathing equipment. Only to then throw you to your death anyway because you have seen everything...

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A sudden change in plans always results in horror and death.

No matter how likeable, never go with someone who “works alone.” Result above applies here.

If you are in a radioactive area, stay put, do not, repeat, DO NOT, get out of the area as fast as possible.

No matter how long ago the disaster was, there will always be fresh mutants around, ready to eat you.

When planning a day trip, don’t bring food or water; chances are you won’t get hungry or thirsty.

Natives will become deformed, super strong mutants. Tourists will suffer from normal radiation sickness and be all wimpy.

If, at the beginning of a tour, your guide stops at a lake and finds some mutant creature, take that as a hint-and-a-half for your butt to make a 180 and get the HELL out of there.

Radiation causes potato-headism.




Goblin Cannonball: I hit something! Yes?!? No?!?

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If you find yourself inside of a nuclear power plant and your face is melting, don't worry, because your breasts will stay perfectly smooth hours after you die.

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When you are sitting in a van with wild dogs leaping up at the window try and deter them by screaming and hitting the inside of the window

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Never visit any abandoned town that requires you carry a geiger counter.

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If you are the commanding officer of a military organization, risk radiation poisoning to your men to save some stupid civilian from death by mutants. Then, throw said civilian in a cell with mutants to die.

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56) There are so many people who are ignorant of the facts of the disaster, or even where it took place.

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That careless, stupid, ridiculous writing that goes above and beyond anyone's normal suspension of disbelief totally cancels out any scares that might have been lurking somewhere in that hopeless movie

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