35. You can get a Double-Headed Battle Axe in ‘Just-Snaps-Together!’ kit form, and then use the axe heads independently – for, say, opening up ever-so-secret info-crypts in cathedrals.
36. Scientific Research is actually nothing but a clever Evil Out-Sourcing Wheeze by a particularly enterprising Demon Prince of Hell!
[Who knew? <sighs, rolls eyes skywards>]
37. Only God’s Chosen Gargoyles [WTF? Seriously???] can possibly protect humankind from the up-&-coming Demon-Funded Scientific Holocaust.
38. Good and Godly supernatural beings hang out in Cathedrals – while Evil and Demonic supernatural beings hang out in Science Labs (which they also fund, natch).
39. Scientists are Really Clever – but not smart enough to figure out as how their paymasters (plus those creepy wonks running lab security) are in fact Demons From Hell!
40. Lady Scientists ARE clever enough not to totter around on what Germaine Greer accurately berates as stupid f∪ck-me high-heels – but also NOT clever enough to realise that dying their hair fake-blonde is a spectacularly stupid way of being-in-the-world.
41. Since only the Demons of Hell appreciate (and fund) Science & Technology, that MUST be why it never once crossed the Gargoyle Queen’s mind to set up a mass production munitions factory, dedicated to carving their never-failing, anti-demon, triple-cross, slayer symbol on to the base of modern munitions like, erm…, bullets.
[Although, frankly, an (inexplicably) gun-free action movie makes a refreshing change from the dull, old, Yanqui, anti-human, monomaniacal “Mow-’em-ALL-down-w’GUNS!!!” movie trope, that so well reflects their dull, old, anti-human, homicidal society.]
42. To keep your millennia-long, spectacular, supernatural-being-fought, city-centre conflict between…
• White-Laser-to-Heaven-FX-on-expiration “Good Guys”, and
• Fiery-Yellow-Cheetos-Cheese-Doodles-FX-on-expiration [1] “Bad Guys”
…a Complete Secret From Humanity, simply agree to limit your battles to the wee small hours – when ALL of humankind is tucked up in beddy-byes, fast asleep and dead to the world.
43. Only creatures with no souls can be possessed by the Spirits from Hell, for Demonic World Domination purposes – hence Hell’s centuries-long, demon-driven, cadaver collection operation, on the off-chance that all that global, demon-funded, scientific reanimation research will someday hit pay dirt ["Logic? We don need no steenkin Logic – we're Demons!"];
BUT…
Don’t even THINK about getting the Spirits from Hell to possesses the soul-less, no-need-for-reanimation-science, and in-plentiful-supply bodies of the other the great apes – gorillas, orangutans, chimpanzees, bonobos – coz that’d be waaaay too much like the ‘Planet of the Apes’ franchise, and the studio would get sued to death for plagiaristic crimes against IP!
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OK, that’s already waaaay to much time spent pointing-&-laughing at this (guilty-pleausure-admissible) enjoyable hokum. Somebody else can take it from here.
Finally, Big Kudos to …
• Aaron Eckhart – for his preparatory six months of Eskrima-based stick fighting training, which showed up in his kinetically extravagant anti-demon combat; and to
• Bill Nighy – for wholly and deliciously inhabiting his Demon-Haunted World. [2]
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[1] Fiery-Yellow-Cheetos-Cheese-Doodles-FX-on-expiration – my thanks to scoup for “31. Dying demons look like cheetos cheese doodles” above… soooo hilariously true!
[2] His Demon-Haunted World – here is the perfect antidote to such simple-minded “Science = Bad, God = Good” hokum as ‘I Frankenstein’, which also comes with my seal of approval for enquiring and skeptical minds:
• ‘The Demon-Haunted World: Science as a Candle in the Dark’
– a book by astrophysicist Carl Sagan, first published in 1995
– about » http://en.wikipedia.org.advanc.io/wiki/The_Demon-Haunted_World+Newton
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