The Scorecard: Play by Play coverage of Banacek's conquests

cylons->Let's be honest--the mysteries on this show kind of sucked, and the resolutions rarely made any sense.

That kind of made it difficult for the viewing audience to predict the answer(s) to the puzzle, eh?

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You know, Brenda Vaccaro was pretty. An ordinarily pretty woman. If you're an ordinary guy on a date with her back in the early 70's, and she shows up wearing that evening gown, you're probably happy enough with your situation.

But if you're Banacek, fictional playboy/detective who can literally have any woman he wants, and a bevy of babes played by some of the sexiest guest starlets of the early 70's are in your Little Black Book (c'mon, you know he had one), it's kind of hard to understand the attraction. She just didn't excel at this kind of role--though she certainly did some interesting work in her career. Not on TV.

Anyway, her character isn't UNappealing--uninteresting, since there's not even congenial resistance to Banacek's obligatory seduction moves--she just keeps changing the subject (usually to banking and numismatics) until he finds those coins for her. Then they go off for the obligatory post-credits nookie. Which puts the scorecard at eight. But I say that grudgingly. I don't honestly see why he wouldn't just ditch her and phone up one of his earlier sexier conquests. But I guess a score is a score is a score.

How I normally remember Brenda Vaccaro--

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=9-Q-01JAWNo

Immortalized by the great Andrea Martin (who would have been a much better Bana-chick, though maybe too young in the early 70's)

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=iwiqdN3b9L4

I kept looking to see if she was taking deep breaths between her lines, but maybe that came later.

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Margot Kidder (circa 1972): What did you say your name was?

Banacek: Banacek.

MK c1972: One name, like uh, Superman?

Banacek: You're getting warmer.

Then she compares him to Liberace, and he says she's getting colder. So for that snatch of dialogue alone, a memorable episode. And then she takes him up in a small plane, and tries to rattle him (and very nearly succeeds), at which point he asks her if she's heard of the Mile High Club--she hasn't--he tells her to put the plane on autopilot--he clues her in--the Scorecard now stands at nine.

Had anyone ever euphemized sex on an airplane as "Joining the Mile High Club" on television before? And this is actually joining it in the strictest sense, since they're not just using the bathroom on a jetliner--one of them is flying the plane. And the woman--how liberated.

Margot Kidder gives this one her all--she was in her early-mid 20's, six years away from LoisLane-dom, and quite honestly she was never my type. Nor I hers, I'm sure. I heartily endorsed Krypton's Last Son dumping her Lois Lane for Annette O'Toole's Lana Lang (what a Bana-chick she would have made--around 20 years old in 1972), and far as I'm concerned "Superman: The Quest for Peace" didn't happen.

But this episode did, and it's a bit weird and offputting how they handle the hook-up--Kidder's character is not just kidding around, you see--she's in love with Banacek, and she says so, and he kind of indicates he feels the same way (without using the L-word), and says they will see each other again and then he gets in his limo and heads for the airport, while she looks wistful, because she knows she'll never see him again. And you kind of feel like Banacek was a jerk to her. And you know, the bar is set pretty high for jerkdom in Banacek-world. So kudos for the prescient Superman ref (Kidder must have gotten a chuckle out of that when her big break came), and for the trail-breaking Mile High Club ref, but this one just doesn't do it for me. But the Scorecard stands at nine, nonetheless.

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Well--this one is a headscratcher--and for me, a disappointment. Jessica Walter is predictably gorgeous, but I didn't entirely like the way her character was written (or in some scenes, dressed). I think they couldn't make up their minds whether she was going to be resisting Banacek's advances, competing with him, or throwing herself at him, so she does all of the above, more or less at random. It's like they're just doing a greatest hits medley of the season one Bana-chicks. It doesn't work for me. Jessica Walter in evening wear does, of course. But her sexiness is thrown away on a lot of pointless building up to an awful let-down.

At the end, they're heading off--to have dinner. Okay, probably there's going to be more than just dinner (he is picking up the check, after all), but it's a lot more equivocal than in most Banacek eps. I'm honestly not sure whether this one takes the Scorecard to double digits. I'm going to have to put an asterisk on this one.

Banacek takes most of the blame--gets her all hot and bothered, and then goes off to work--that happens TWICE, btw--that work involving a lot of scenes that seem to involve him getting involved in ethnic conflicts that don't really belong on a show like this. This is not a show about gritty social relevance. And would a black kid from the ghetto in the early 70's really call a rich white guy with a fancy car a Polack to try and get him riled? The word is HONKY, my brutha. There's a reason nobody ever talks about 'The P-Word'.

I really do think there was pressure from the network to tone down the sexual innuendo--they let them get away with a lot in the first season--even showing Banacek and Joanna Pettet's character in a pretty clearly post-coital situation, even if it involves him talking on the phone while she rests her head on his lap on the couch. You can see them backing away from that kind of overtness as the season winds down. This is a transitional period regarding how network primetime could deal with consenting unmarried adults (though a few years before, the western series "Iron Horse" with Dale Robertson was arguably just as daring--and equally shortlived.

Far as the Scorecard is concerned, Banacek is still stuck at nine--and the Queen of all Bana-chicks remains Penny Fuller's Gloria. But Walter sure does look nice, all the same. On to season two. Here's hoping Banacek gets his groove back. Though I've seen the very last one, so I know he's going to lose it at the end.

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Okay, let's cut to the chase--the Scorecard hits double digits with this one--Banacek quite surely scores with the bride-to-be of some unfortunate Shah, played by Arlene Martel, best known for playing Spock's devious fiance on Star Trek. He's playing hard-to-get, trying to put things off until he's cracked the case, as we saw him do twice with Jessica Walter--only this one refuses to take no for an answer.

And he graciously assents to her unsubtle advances--she wants to play the field one more time before she marries into Islamic royalty. Absolutely nobody is watching her to make sure she behaves herself, even though she's getting a three million dollar wedding coach encrusted with precious stones. This is so very credible. You think Grace Kelly would have gotten away with this kind of thing? And she was just becoming Princess of a glorified casino.

Anyway, they are not beating around the bush about it this time--he beds her. Or she him. First in her hotel room, then at his place, and they're headed off for the hat trick at the end of the ep. It's not ambiguous at all.

And I didn't like it much. It seems to be less about enjoying female companionship, and more about cuckolding other men. Banacek's real target in this one is actually his old on-and-offer Carlie, who is about to marry some drip, and of course he can't have that, so he goes out of his way to point out the guy's drippiness. Carlie, of course, is deeply jealous about his fling with She Who Would be Queen. Because being such an intelligent observant woman, she would assume Banacek was pining away for her.

Arlene Martel really plays her character as a brainless bimbo, and I can't help but think (having seen her play a much brainier and coldbloodedly inscrutable woman on Star Trek) that she's overdoing it on purpose. You have to think about the various stars and starlets, some on the ascendant, some heading the other way, some who never got anywhere at all, who are hired for Banacek's burgeoning harem--some of them, like Penny Fuller, seem to have enjoyed working with Peppard, and just treat it as a job (it may have helped that Fuller was from the theater, and probably never expected to be any kind of big Hollywood star); others may be thinking "Why did my agent make me do this? How could anyone believe any woman would fall for this aging lothario and his smarmy pick-up lines?"

Also, I'm pretty sure Arlene Martel was a natural brunette, and this may have been her somewhat sardonic take on dumb blondes.

My own reaction was that Banacek had turned down an equally obvious offer from the delectable Madlyn Rhue's character in season one, and with all due respect to Arlene Martel and her contribution to Trek--she's no Lieutenant McGivers. Banacek is getting less and less picky in his conquests--unless it's simply that he loves the idea of cuckolding a Shah? In some of the movies, I believe he just likes women--in others, it just seems to be all about gratifying his ego, and the hell of it is, that Banacek is a lot easier to believe in--just not in a good way.

What's frustrating about this is that if cuckoldry is what he has in mind, there's a far more interesting target in Jeane Manson, who plays the younger and hotter of Mr. Porter's two spouses. My brief Google search indicates she was a Playboy centerfold, she also did softcore, and she's breathtakingly beautiful--Banacek barely gives her a second look. I mean, how hard would it be to compete with her unattractive bigamous hubby he sends to prison at the end? You're slipping, man.

So it's a definite score, but not, by my reckoning, a very satisfying one. As for the case he's out to solve, and its inevitably humiliating to Carlie denouement, do you ever wonder if all those Las Vegas magicians grew up watching Banacek? I'm wondering if maybe some magician made Banacek's discernment disappear. The Scorecard hits Ten--but hardly a perfect Ten. That would have been Jeane Manson.

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And we're back! Thank you, Netflix!

I saw this one a few months back, and remember not liking it. Now I remember why. But there are still some fine moments, and much to muse upon.

This is the one where Carlie becomes Banacek's apprentice, and begins, strangely enough, with a new sequence for the credits montage--him arriving someplace just as she's leaving--with a date--and he's stag (well, he always is, isn't he, if you know what I mean, say no more, nudge nudge). She seems to be having a lovely time, and he seems to be thinking "Well, how can I make her feel bad about herself again?", and much of the episode is devoted to that worthy esteem-lowering project. And of course later in the episode she betrays him (he himself being the cock that cries three times), thus making it okay. Oh, and he saves her from getting pawed by some joker played by Caesar Romero--Banacek makes it sound like he saved her from getting raped by the guy, but there are over a hundred people surrounding them at the time, so that's a bit of a stretch--and Caesar ends up doing a bit of a stretch in prison, thanks to Banacek (remember--for Banacek to win, all other men must lose). So anyway, that relationship remains complicated, but they don't complicate it with sex. Anymore. It's actually a pretty neat trick, how they kept resolving their sexual tension, then somehow reestablishing it, sometimes in the same episode.

So anyway who's the girl? Well, that's complicated too--we see him kiss some energetic young thing at the dock, as the episode begins--but she's got no lines, so she doesn't count. The Scorecard is quite clear on this--no lines means no points awarded.

Is it going to be Sue Anne Langdon? Sheriff Andy Taylor's former squeeze is playing just the most appallingly tasteless dumb blonde in the history of appallingly tasteless dumb blondes, and she's in there pitching, but he's not in the mood to play ball. Sue Anne Langdon could be an excessively attractive woman (see: "A Guide for the Married Man", where she even puts Inger Stevens in the shade), but she's a major turn-off here, and that's clearly intentional--they're going for laughs with her character, and she's being a good sport about it, but I'd rather listen to fingernails on a chalkboard than the voice she uses for this character. Honestly, if I were a slightly over-the-hill starlet in the early 70's, and my agent suggested a gig playing a woman Banacek doesn't want to sleep with, I'd fire him--right after giving him a good sock in the jaw.

Turns out that it's not good enough for Banacek to expose his old rival played by John Saxon as a receiver of stolen goods (for Banacek to win, yadda yadda yadda)--he's got to steal his girlfriend--who is named 'Cee Cee'--of course she is. We don't even see any seduction going on there, but lo and behold, there she is in the limo at the end, and hey, turns out there IS a more appallingly tasteless dumb blonde than Sue Anne Langdon's character.

And it's a definite score, but man--Banacek--was showing up your old pal Harry one last time really worth THIS? I think not. Personally, if all women were like 'Cee Cee' (and I'm not sure ANY women are quite like that in reality) I'd join a monastic order. But as I've said in the past, it is not enough for Banacek that he succeed--all other men must fail. He sometimes pays a high price for being himself.

I'd rather dwell on a more promising prospect--'Felix's Young Woman' (the character's name, according to IMDb), played by the fetching Dorrie Thomson. Midway through the ep, Banacek is quietly seducing her away from Felix, who has set his cap for her, and is somehow under the delusion that chauvinist pigs have some code of loyalty or whatever (Felix is much too refined a gentleman to be familiar with the term 'cock-blocking' I would presume).

Banacek and Felix's intended merely exchange glances during the ep, but they are rather explicit glances, there's clearly an understanding there that shall be consummated in short order, and though she has no name, she does have lines, so that's 12--I'd rather just focus on her, and ignore 'Cee Cee', but The Scorecard won't let me. Turns out Banacek is going to be the missing piece to her jigsaw puzzle, not Felix. And this is a bit low, one has to say--Felix is Banacek's most trusted friend and colleague--really, when you get right down to it, his ONLY friend and colleague, since Jay is just a sidekick. But with Banacek, it's always hoes before bros. Unless he's the bro.


PS: What was up with that subplot involving Banacek's cop buddy and his club singer wife, played by real-life club singer Ruth Price? She's flirting like crazy with him at the club--then her hubby gets whacked--then she's crying on his shoulder? Should we assume that she's going to be #13?

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Now this one I like--and not just because I'm an animal lover. Leaving aside that this is an obvious reworking of the Sherlock Holmes mystery "Silver Blaze" (with a script by the eminent Welsh screenwriter Jimmy Sangster, better known for his contributions to Hammer horror films), it's just a good effort all around, though from the POV of The Scorecard, they could have done a much better job with the babes. Still, after the horrifying harpies of "The Vanishing Chalice", this is a breath of fresh California air.

No Carlie this time--Banacek is off to the races, and has two different blondes in his sights. One of whom is played by Anne Francis, who was in her early 40's at the time. And aging quite well, though not as well as the script would have it (she's supposed to be 31), and she still has that thing on her face, and it's not as cute as it was when she was in "Forbidden Planet." One of the oldest prospective Bana-chicks, she's still about two years younger than Peppard, and I was anticipating a nice hook-up there, since they are both clearly interested. But they've written her as a total beyotch--a very forbidding planet indeed, that Banacek chooses not to invade, even though she puts out the welcome mat for him (oh get your minds out of the gutter!). He makes some excuse about how the stallion should choose the mare, but c'mon, Mr. B.--we've seen you bed equally aggressive and much less attractive women in the past. Her comparing you to a prize stallion didn't bother you one bit--you probably wouldn't even have minded if she'd inquired about stud fees. And the fact that the horse trainer played by Dr. Huer from "Buck Rogers in the 25th Century" has a little thing for her would only egg you on normally, since all other men must lose.

But of course you've got your eyes on Dr. Huer's daughter, the exercise rider (I'll bet she is) played by the delightful Lane Bradbury--a bit skinny, but what's there is cherce, as Spencer Tracy might say. Bradbury was 13 years younger than Anne Francis--though still not as young as her character is supposed to be. A lot less spoiled, too--a very nice specimen of my favorite subspecies--Tomboy Americanus (southern variety). And she ALSO makes passes at Banacek, but see, she's INSECURE about it, so that doesn't count.

Anyway, she has no idea how to dress, but Banacek makes it clear he's only interested in how she undresses, and they are definitely heading out to pasture at the end--so that's 14. Anne Francis remains an unexplored planet, though Dr. Huer is apparently going to be landing there shortly. Yes, I know that isn't the character's name, but how much useless TV trivia can one person accumulate in a lifetime? Too much.

Wait--14, you say? Weren't we at 12 last time? Yes, but I forgot to mention that at the very beginning of the ep, Banacek takes Pamela Hensley (what is this, a very early casting call for Buck Rogers?) back to his well-appointed townhouse, for a bit of fireplace sex (the kind we SHOULD have seen happening between him and Penny Fuller in "The Greatest Collection of All", but never mind that now). If she'd been wearing that harem outfit she later tries repeatedly to seduce Gil Gerard in, I'd be quite happy--but somehow I just can't place her in the top rank of Bana-chicks. She needed to fill out a bit. Good kisser, though. Good episode. Good show, Sangster. But I bet they rewrote you, old chap.

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This episode is noteworthy for the sheer number of No Line Lovelies Banacek is seen with--the amazingly tall ultra-miniskirted brunette getting out of the limo--the willowly blonde who looks like she's George Peppard's teenaged daughter, out for a 'date' with dad. That's stock footage used in multiple eps, of course. But there's also the tennis hottie from the country club, and at the very end of the episode, the animatronic model from the convention booth. Oh, that was a real woman? Well anyway, what they all have in common is that none of them has lines, or names, and they do not count towards The Scorecard.

No, Banacek's only score is Linda Evans, in the midst of that black hole in her career between The Big Valley and Dynasty. A frighteningly beautiful woman, Ms. Evans, and I place heavy accentuation on the frightening part. She LITERALLY throws herself into Banacek's arms, informing him that she had a horrible crush on him when she was 12. If it were me, I'd be looking around nervously for hidden microphones--which as it turns out later, are actually there!

Never my favorite TV guest starlet of that era, I must nonetheless confess, she and Peppard have great chemistry together--I particularly love it when Banacek refuses to tell her everything will be okay, and she asks him if he knows how to lie, and he grins and says "No"--which btw, is a lie. Ask Margot Kidder. He absolutely does know how to lie. He just typically prefers being brutally honest.

Evans gives a genuinely good performance here--just about the only one I've ever seen her give--making you believe that she genuinely wants Banacek (she wasn't lying about the childhood crush), and yet you can sense something isn't quite right--she's trying too hard, she's putting on too much of a show for him--she's all light and mirrors, you might say. Maybe that's just her acting style, and they made use of it. She's way more interesting here than she was in the two Susie Sweetheart roles that made her famous. Personally, I was always rooting for Joan Collins (and it's a CRIME Joan was never a Bana-chick).

Anyway, Linda's got a date she can't get out of (probably with Dick Van Patten), but she shows up later at Banacek's Playboy Mansion, where he's all decked out like Hef, and then comes the great line about lying, and fade to sex. The Scorecard is at 15.

Meanwhile, back at the recurring character ranch, Carlie is still desperately trying to convince herself she is 1)Co-protagonist and 2)Banacek's favorite playmate, and it's not going well for her in either case. Once again, he walks off with some not-terribly-attractive extra--who doesn't even have LINES. I think I've figured out something about him--for him, it's not how pretty the woman is, how intelligent, how nice--it's whether or not he has the advantage. He walked away from Anne Francis in the last episode, not because she was acting like a bitch, but because she was just as brutally honest and independent as him, and quite a lot richer. No advantage, so no hook-up. He's a control freak. In the real world, he'd be a nightmare--in this fantasy world, he's a dream made real. And that's why they call it fiction, folks.

I guess you can say Felix gets some belated compensation for Banacek subtextually scoring with his young lady, episode before last. A grateful Carlie plants one hell of a kiss on him, and it goes right to his head. Both heads, I'd say. Anyway, that's the end of the DVD. Back to Netflix it goes, and we'll see how quickly the next volume arrives.

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