From "Rub-a Dub Dub, Three Spies in a Sub"
(Control is dropping depth charges on KAOS's submarine.)
BOOM! (frightened noises from crew)
SIEGFRIED: "Don't panic!"
(the scene goes on, and the depth charges get closer and closer, finally-)
BOOOOMMM!!! (water leaks, the sub rocks, etc.)
SIEGFRIED: "Prepare to panic!"
"Let's have some new cliches."
I got a laugh when the Chief sends Max after a femme fatale agent, warning him:
Chief: Be careful, Max - she's gorgeous but deadly.
Max [leaning in]: ...so am I!
A reprogrammed Hymie tries to kill the Chief, who then tells Max he has to deactivate Hymie.
Max: But Chief! Hymie's my friend!
Chief: Max, your 'friend' just burst through my door, destroyed my desk, and tried to strangle me!
Max: I said he was my friend - I didn't say he was yours!
This one is from "The Amazing Harry Hoo".
Bobo: The spy network is just a front; the real money is in the laundry.
The Craw: The less he knows, the better.
Max taking a female witness in their confidence "We're trying to stop an evil organization who has been trying to get control of this country for years" and she replies "Oh, you mean the Republicans?"
Not to be a partisan, just that LBJ was president at the time so it made that line funny. Could've worked the other way too.
Not to be a partisan, just that LBJ was president at the time so it made that line funny. Could've worked the other way too. - fivefids
Devonshire says the magic words, "waiter the check please." Max shoots him, and says "I better have a good explanation for this."
Max is fighting with Leadside and accidentally pushes Norman out the window. Leadside says, "My mother gave me Norman."
Max infiltrates Kaos' prisoner of war camp. Siegfried offers him a drink. "if it were not for the eye patch and the mustache on your glass." "mustache on your glass?!" Max jumps out the window, "Shtarker, release the hounds!" They just had a recording of the dogs." "Shtarker, what happened to the hounds?" "They ran away." "Why did they run away." "I don't know, I fed them the same food as the prisoners." "They could get sick!"
Hans Hunter episode quotes (My favorite episode) Big box is delivered to Control's super secret headquarters. Chief asks them how they found their way there, they tell how they asked 20 people, but they didn't know.
Chief: "Then how did you find us?"
Delivery Man: "A boy putting air in his tires at a filling station told us."
(They open the box, Max points out that the agent looks strange.)
Chief: "Max, he's been stuffed."
Max: "What'll we do with him?"
Chief: "I suppose we'll have to bury him."
Max: "It seems a shame after all the trouble they took."
Max visits Carlson in the lab, Carlson gives him a pack of cigarettes, say their mini hand grenades. Just light them, puff once and throw them at target.
Max: "What happens if you take more than one puff?"
Carlson: "You'll blow a hole in your head the size of a bowling ball."
Max (raising his eyebrows to his hairline): "Well, that's one way to quit smoking."
Max and 99 find a decrepit bridge, 99 asks how far down it is.
Max: "About a half a mile."
99: "Max, if you took a running start and jumped as far as you could, how far do you think you could jump."
Max: "About a half a mile."
King of Caronia I & II (2nd favorite episode) John Doucette (describing Rupert of Rathskeller): "Women find him a dashing rogue."
Max: "How do men find him?"
John Doucette : "In the yellow pages."
Johnny Carson: introduces Charles' fiance, a 2 minute list of titles. Stops, exits room, reenters. "Princess Marta."
Max & Marta do a reprise of Boyer's "I remember it well." Only Max's version was "Ah yes, I remember the well."
Aboard the Orient Express episode, they stop, and the Countess waxes poetic, about Lichtenstein. Train stops again at another border a few seconds later.
Max: "What took so long?"
Johnny Carson: "Floods, had to evacuate the country."
I loved, I think was a beauty contest that KAOS had infiltrated. The Chinese KAOS agent shot the Eastern European one and as that person was dying and asking why? the chinese agent said
"Your brand of KAOS is weak and confused; only in my country is there pure KAOS"
I haven't watched it from 66, so it's not surprising I forgot that, but it is good. I just recently bought the complete 5 seasons which was on sale at Amazon, They also have on disk 5 season 1 a roundtable discussion with the surviving members.
shareI heard a new one tonight;
Don't play dumb with me, I'm an expert in that.
This is one of the best ones--there a line where merna says to max,,hurry or greco will find out what you have done --(off screen)--we hear--greco saying,,greco has already found what you have done--max repeat to merna--greco has already found out what we have done-before greco appears with a diving weapon.
another line is --is he trying to kill you? --no he's trying to kiss me..
theres so much in this episode--alice ghostly is brilliant in this comedy--very underrated..
Chief: Now Max, you and 99 are to contact agent 44 at this address: the Bye-Bye Baby Buggy Bargain Bazaar.
Maxwell Smart: Is that Barbie's Bye-Bye Baby Buggy Bargain Bazaar?
Chief: No, no, no, Barbie's Bye-Bye Baby Buggy Bargain Bazaar is on Balboa Boulevard. You're to go to Bunny Beebe's Bye-Bye Baby Buggy Bargain Bazaar on Barnaby Boulevard.
"Eventually, all of the creations of science will be used for evil purposes."
I wonder how many takes it took them to get that right.
shareOf course, there's:
Siegfried: "Starker! Dis is KAOS! Vee don't "do-do-do" here!"
I love this deadpan exchange between Mrs. Van Hooten and her butler, Hogarth, in Season 5's "Rebecca of Funny Folk Farm." Max and 99 have been turned away from Mrs. Van Hooten's creepy old mansion during the middle of a storm.
H:"Mrs. Van Hooten?"
V:"Who was it Hogarth?"
H:"Two lost and weary travelers whose car broke down in the storm."
V:"What did they want?"
H:"Food and shelter. I turned them away."
V:"Well done, Hogarth. (pause) And Hogarth..."
H:"Yes, Ma'am?"
V:"First thing in the morning let's get rid of that welcome mat out front."
Also this bit from "Weekend Vampire with Max and 99 in another Old Dark House parody.
Dr. Drago is discussing his hulking servant, Hugo, a mute who can only growl.
Dr. Drago: "Should you hear any unusual noises during the night, you needn't be alarmed. It will just be Hugo pursuing his career."
Max: "His career?"
Dr. Drago: "Yes, he wants to be a band singer."
[Hugo growls an objection.]
Dr. Drago: "Oh, forgive me, Hugo. A big band singer."
And this from the very last episode. The Whip inspects a new weapon he has stolen from CONTROL:
"Gun is like wife's brother... will not work!"
"Then the weapon is useless."
"Like wife's brother."
I always liked it when people would ask if Smart and Larabee were related (including Chief, if memory serves) - and I only found out just now they actually were in real life.
The bear does not quit. The bear will not die.
They were cousins in real life. That is true.
Readiness is all.
Bird: "Kaos forever. Kaos forever." ( Max points gun at the bird.) 99: "Max." Max: "He may be a harmless little bird, 99, but he's got a big mouth."
shareMax (to Chief): "You'll be making hundreds of decisions without my advice." Chief: " Aaand loving it."
shareFrom "Don't Look Back" - Max is giving his closing statement at his own trial for murder.
Max: "Your Honor, Ladies and Gentlemen of the jury, for the past 20 minutes I have sat idly by while my worthy opponent, the prosecuting attorney, has stood up here and made a complete jackass out of himself!"
"Now, it's my turn."
In a First season Episode Agent 99 is telling Maxwell Smart agent 86 about Agent 43 and she tells him "Your Twice the Agent 43 is" I just loved how they took their time to let this joke play out.
Col. G. Stonehill: Most people around here have heard of Rooster Cogburn.