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Tell me a funny Joke!


I have a couple that I'd like to mention.

An old man and his wife were lying in bed. After a few minutes, he lets out an almighty fart and shouts, "Seven Points."
His wife rolls over and says "What in the world was that?"
The Old man replies "Touchdown, I'm ahead 7-0".
A few minutes later, the wife, entering into the spirit, lets one go and declared: "Touchdown, Tie Score.
But 10 minutes later, the old man farted again and announced "touchdown, I'm ahead 14-7"
Not to be outdone, the wife quickly farts again and says "Touchdown, Tie score"
Desperate to regain the lead, the old man strained really hard, but he just couldn't force out a fart. He gave it everything he had and in the end he strained so hard that he pooped in the bed.
The wife asked "Now what in the world was that"
The old man replies "Half time, switch sides."

Whats the definition of ultimate rejection? When you're masturbating and your hand falls asleep.

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What’s the difference between a hooker and a lawyer?
A hooker will stop screwing you when your dead.
How many actors does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
20, 1 to screw it in and 19 to say how they could have done it better.

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Have you ever seen an asshole in plastic???? Look at your driver's license. Hah-hah.

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A man is driving down a deserted country road when he has a blowout. Not having a spare and no cell phone service he finds a house and asks the lady if he can use her phone to call for a tow-truck. As she opens the door for him to come in, a three legged pig runs out. He asks, "Why does that pig only have three legs?" She says, "One night not too long ago a fire started in our house and the pig woke everybody up and then went back and brought the dog out. He said, "But why does the pig only have three legs?" She said, "Well, another time my son was playing on the ice and it broke and he fell in and the pig ran to the barn and got a rope and saved him." Again he asked, "But why does the pig only have three legs?" The women replied, "After all the pig did for us, it didn't seem right to eat him all at once."

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A little old man shuffled slowly into an ice cream parlor and pulled himself up slowly, painfully onto a tall stool. After catching his breath, he order a banana split.

The waitress asked kindly, “Crushed nuts?”

He replied, “No, arthritis.” 😲

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A young guy from Texas moves to California and goes to a big department store looking for a job. The manager says, "Do you have any sales experience?" The kid says, "Yeah, I was a salesman back home in Texas." The boss liked the kid so he gave him the job.

"You start tomorrow. I’ll come down after we close and see how you did." His first day on the job was rough but he got through it. After the store was locked up, the boss came down.

"How many sales did you make today?"

Kid says, "One."

Boss says, "Just one? Our sales people average 20 or 30 sales a day. How much was the sale for?"

Kid says "$201,237.64.

Boss says "201,237.64?? What the heck did you sell?"

Kid says, "First I sold him a small fish hook. Then I sold him a medium fish hook. Then I sold him a larger fish hook. Then I sold him a new fishing rod. Then I asked him where he was going fishing and he said down at the coast, so I told him he was gonna need a boat; we went down to the boat department and I sold him that twin engine Chris Craft. Then he said he didn’t think his Mercedes would pull it, so I took him down to the automotive department and sold him an Escalade."

The boss said, "A guy came in here to buy a fish hook and you sold him a boat and truck?"

Kid says, "No, he came in here to buy a box of tampons for his wife and I said, your weekend’s screwed, you might as well go fishing."

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I'm loving these jokes! Thanks to all for sharing.

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I once told Michael Jackson a joke but hee-hee didn't think it was funny.

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When Hertz wanted to renegotiate a contract with OJ Simpson, he replied
"Let me get back with you -- I have to go home and axe my wife." 😲


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