The facts are there, but this interpretation is oddly skewed.
She didn't lack self-control, she had spent her whole youth exercising self-control for a dream (hers? her parents'?). And all for nought. My impression was that she was - maybe not quite suicidal, but at the end of her rope for sure.
Imagine training for 16 years to be an artist, together with a bunch of other equally talented kids, fighting skill against skill in a dog-eat-dog competition for social toddlers, and then being kicked out of that life together with 90% of them.
She had not wanted to work in a cafe, she had not wanted to live a sleep-work-sleep life. She could not give a flying frig about the cafe, the job was merely mundane survival to her, which was something she just didn't value enough. She never struck me as someone who cared about simply being alive.
Also, she was probably in Berlin because she needed money, and waiting tables in Germany pays better than a similar job in Spain.
She wasn't dreaming to be big, her dreams had died after leaving the Conservatory. Even then, she had probably dreamt to be big because that was the only way to survive as an artist - anyone less than big is doomed, in a universe of fierce competition.
Also, since she had spent her youth dreading her peers and practising a lonely art, she was probably starved of human connection - and also slightly unskilled in forming it.
So she went with those guys for two reasons: her sense of self-preservation was quite low (because she didn't value her life), and she was offered some human connection out of the blue. Remember, she was in a night club at 4 o'clock by herself.
And then, after passively falling down the rabbit hole, at some point we start to see her choosing "fight" in several flight-or-fight scenarios. Of course, now she was fighting for something else. And she proves to be an uncomfortably clear-headed fighter - which must have been something else she had learnt in the oddly savage Conservatory...
reply
share