I don't have chronic pain so I don't understand so help me... - Cake (2015) Discussion

[–] dmcdknf 9 years ago

Chronic pain is tiring and aggravating. Sufferers are often cranky, moody, and depressed. When people are in pain they tend to lash out. It is not easy to be around someone in pain; you feel helpless and sometimes angry (at them for their attitude, at yourself for your inability to do anything). At first people visit, then slowly they back off because you don't want them there and they don't really want to be with you when you are like this. It is tiring for everyone. Eventually people stop coming at all, even your friends.

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[–] whoiamnow 9 years ago

That's so sad. It sounds very similar to depression. I'm so sorry.

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[–] Lauraslipstick 9 years ago

Wow, absolutely spot on.

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[–] dmaire1221-222-44515 9 years ago

You are so dead on .....I would like to add your friends see someone they don't know anymore .

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[–] simmset 9 years ago

.OP, get on your knees and thank God, I remember the days went I use to go skiing and never really how lucky I was.

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[–] TxMike 9 years ago

Just a couple of years ago a local lady, tennis friend of my wife, stopped her car one day and jumped off the high overpass on a busy freeway. We knew she had her own pain-management issues but had no idea it was bad enough to drive her to that. She had many friends and a family. I don't think anyone can understand what might drive someone to take their own life in this sort of situation.

..*.. TxMike ..*..
Make a choice, to take a chance, to make a difference.

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[–] Mngirl1974 9 years ago

My uncle in law jumped off an overpass, my father in law shot himself and we have a few other suicides in the family. PTSD and chronic pain from WWII and Vietnam.

I have chronic pain from a car accident 20 years ago and this movie was AWFUL to watch. I'm glad I did though. I think it could be helpful for people like me. I often wonder how much better it would be if I wasn't here but really couldn't imagine doing this to my kids and husband. Suicide in my opinion isn't selfish it's just a culmination of too much. Too much pain, sadness and never ending crushing depression.

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[–] 9 years ago

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[–] tink-1 9 years ago

So so so spot on. Also, when having chronic pain, you really aren't able to do the things you once did - so less likely to go out dancing, or to walk around shopping or take a vacation with friends. Even the act of sitting up right or taking a long walk can be exhausting or uncomfortable, so that negates a lot of traditional activities.

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[–] olliemankz 9 years ago

For about five days earlier this month, I had a taste, I think, of what Clare was going through.

My joints especially around the pelvis became extremely painful. I could barely get out of bed in the morning. It hurt no matter which way I moved. It was as if my bones had settled into the bed in the night and the connective tissue was inflamed. I had to grab a bed post to finally get myself worked out a little ways. I kept my phone with me wherever I went in case I'd have to call for help.

I figured it had to do with my having drunk some bad water. But I was amazed to watch this film because had I seen it just a few weeks prior, before my attack, I might not have been able to relate. From my limited experience, Aniston's portrayal, based on what a friend of hers had experienced, seemed very real.

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[–] cryconscry 9 years ago

I don't have it but it kind of does. My work has put me in contact with such persons, and I found that it puts most in a bad mood and also limits their activities - if they aren't doing things with their friends the latter will slip away over time. Additionally, In the case of Claire, she lost her little boy in a car she was driving and has visible facial scars. Those things can make one hopeless and bitter, among other things.

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[–] katiefanatic-791-306918 9 years ago

we live in a society that has become very selfish and doesn't really care about each other, so we encourage people to become good liars and put on a happy face. that is easier when you're in emotional pain but when you're in PHYSICAL pain, it's next to impossible. makes you cranky, irritated and tired, and when you live in a society whose mantra is 'not my circus, not my monkeys' aka 'not my problems' they run away quickly.

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[–] TxMike 9 years ago

katie, this is a false and misleading statement of yours, " we live in a society that has become very selfish and doesn't really care about each other ".

Maybe where you live, but my observation is the opposite, truly genuine people DO care about others and their well-being. But there also is a good message for the sufferers in this movie.

Too many people are too quick to tell everyone around them of their pains and sufferings. I know an older lady that I usually see once a month, and the first thing out of her mouth is her pain. It might be a broken sewer line, it may be her latest bout with GERD, or it may be that her dog just died. The first thing out of her mouth when I say 'hello'. She is a very nice lady and I just smile and say "I hope things get better..."

I have a sister that lives far away, I see her seldom but I call often. Every time I call the first thing I hear is a rundown of her aches and pains and how one of her sons never visits her.

Think of it this way, if constantly telling others, by word of mouth or rude behavior, that you are in pain does not help the situation, then maybe you shouldn't do it. It isn't that others don't care, but why should it be the focus of the interaction?

I have aches and pains. I rarely if ever tell my family or friends of my latest pain. What would they do about it? What would it add to the interaction?

Too many people feel the need to share all their pains and then wonder why others don't care as much as they 'should.' Then thay make statements like yours.

..*.. TxMike ..*..
Make a choice, to take a chance, to make a difference.

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[–] katiefanatic-791-306918 9 years ago

it's not a false and misleading statement, cause you just totally proved it. you don't care. you don't want to hear about it, whether it be your sister or the older lady you deal with. chronic pain is your life, your whole life. when you have it, you can't focus on anything else, it makes you so miserable. what do you want us to talk about, the newest movie we HAVEN'T seen because we haven't left our beds in 7 years due to chronic pain?

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[–] tracytucciarone 9 years ago

People need to share their feelings, and it's good for people to talk about their pain, depression, etc. But if they want to keep their friends and family feeling close to them, they can't be too self-focused; they have to ask about others' lives as well. Few like to be around those who aren't also interested in their lives and feelings. And it always helps if those with chronic troubles (pain, depression, "bad luck," whatever) do what they can to keep their lives interesting so they have something to talk about other than just their problems. Negative stuff happens, and people need to talk about them. But it's one thing to ordinately talk about those negative things, and another thing to be a "negative person," a "Debbie Downer" type who craps all over others' good times.

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[–] La_Marseillaise 9 years ago

The other posters have made many valid points. I'd like to approach from a different direction, which adds to all they say.

Most people have relationships through work. Now that she is no longer working, under the best of circumstances, many of those relationships will fade away.

Further, it's not uncommon for relationships to change after divorce; it can be awkward for your "couple" friends to continue seeing you once you are no longer a couple.

The death of a child can alter friendships, as well. I'm sure there are all kinds of psychological reasons why some friendships don't survive after someone has lost a child.

Brutal situation, for sure.

I support, defend and always employ the Oxford comma.

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[–] 9 years ago

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[–] 9 years ago

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[–] littlegreycells_11 9 years ago

I would say yeah, it pretty much does drive away your friends. It makes you tired, and grumpy, so you find yourself unable to do the things you used to, so you become more isolated as people stop inviting you to things. I have a few friends at the disability centre, who also have chronic pain problems, I see them once a week and that's about it. It becomes a lot harder to make new friends as well, as you just don't have the social opportunities that you used to. I spend so much time thinking what a friendless loser I am, it's ridiculous!

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[–] riverwalk 9 years ago

i think the problem with long term pain is like anying really -alot[if not all] of people who have never experienced it truly cannot understand and appreciate exactly how tough a situation it is to be in and that is why they fail to understand the person's behaviour or cannot show EMPATHY/sympathy.

I had a friend who had a bad accident in 2002 and has been in chronic pain to this day and I myself could not understand her behaviour etc. until I got a bad injury in my back myself. For 4 months around, I suffered terrible pain, struggled to get out of bed, struggled to walk, struggled to lay down, struggled to sit too long, struggled to stand too long, every position hurt like bloody hell and I felt exhausted and grumpy... and it did truly change my personality and had a big effect on my mental health, at times I thought i was going mad and wanted to die...

I know 4 months is not long term but it's long enough and it seemed like a life time. It is true that when you are in such pain your entire life begins to revolve around the pain.

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[–] tracytucciarone 9 years ago

I spend so much time thinking what a friendless loser I am, it's ridiculous!

:( I'm sorry for what you're going through. Though you might feel alone in terms of human company, you're not truly alone; God is there, and He loves you. Very, very much. I promise you that.

The DEA makes things super-hard on pain patients, making them jump through hoops, getting their doctors to look at them like they're drug-seekers, blah blah. I hope your doctors have you on adequate medication! It can make all the difference in the world!

I totally urge you to find things you can do in spite of your pain -- like, if you used to dance, maybe take up drawing and make beautiful art about dancing. Find mental challenges. Find creative challenges. Learn something new. Take up a new hobby (embroidery, mosaics, birdwatching from your window -- whatever you're into). If you're an extrovert, like most people are, maybe using the internet to forge friendships so you can take your time responding, unlike how things typically are in "real life," might help. On the internet, if you're having a bad pain day, you can just not turn on your computer, KWIM?

Finally, and most importantly, I beg you to try to focus outward as much as you can. You're still a valuable human being. You are not a "loser"; you're just someone who's been presented with the major challenge of chronic pain and are maybe not handling it so well just yet. Or maybe you're still grieving, and that's OK for a while. But you still have much to offer to others, and the more you give to others, even if it's "just" conversation, the better you'll feel about yourself. You can give of yourself to others on the internet as well. Maybe there's a group out there of people suffering from something that you can help via email or a forum. Or a website that offers kids homework help. Or a site about a cause you're passionate about that needs someone to write for them or manage a database or whatever. Or maybe you can make gifts out of things you make after taking up a new hobby. But whatever you're into, the more you focus outward and onto others' problems and feelings and needs, the better you will feel. I promise you that, too.

Chin up, friend. You have much to give to the world!

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