"chemistry is for dorks!"
Amen to that, brother!
Whenever I think of chemistry, I am reminded of what happened in my youth.
There was this guy back in school, Eugene, who was into all that nonsense. He couldn't get any girls, smelled funny, dressed horribly, and was pretty much the stereotypical Jr. High dork. We used to kick him in the buttocks every time he'd be walking down the hall with his assortment of books. However, before we ever graduated, I regretted that sort of behavior. It was foolish, insensitive, and mean. I felt I needed to atone for my deplorable behavior, unlike my peers, who were mostly heartless buffoons. But what? Apologize? A cake?
Instead, right around the last week of school, I bought him a box of condoms, to bury the hatchet. They were ribbed...for her pleasure.
When I gave them to him, he looked at me in a very strange way, and said nothing.
I figured I'd done my part to fix the situation, and forgot all about it. Little did I know what was ahead.
The years passed, and life was good. I owned the third most successful Cup-O-Pizza kiosk in the city, had a lovely wife and children, and would often speak at our church.
One day, I was in an automobile accident. I wasn't seriously injured, but I was taken to the nearest Emergency Room. While there, the ER doctor was excellent, unlike some of them. He was fast, efficient, and took great interest in helping me. After I'd healed, I was speaking at church to a group of teens about getting ahead in business, and there he was, my ER doctor. Since you never see them after you get out of the ER, you can't always thank them as you might your primary doctor. So I wanted to let him know how much I appreciated his help, and asked him if he'd like to have a beer. He agreed, and I was thrilled, since I had also planned to ask him about perhaps speaking to teens at our church in the future. Teens need all the inspiration they can get, right?
While we were out together, it surprised us both how much we had in common. Music, movies, even clothes. We must have talked for hours. He suggested we do it again soon, which I thought would be great.
The months passed, and the doctor and I became good friends. We spent a lot of time together doing everything imaginable, from golf to fishing. We were BFF's, through and through.
One evening, we went back to his place after having a few drinks at the Regal Beagle, a lovely spot in the mall. I don't exactly know how it happened, but one minute we were talking about Joan Crawford, and the next....a passionate kiss! It was wrong, I felt that sense of wrongness immediately, but...it also felt so right! Who knew? I was overwhelmed with guilt and pleasure...all at once.
Well, I'll spare you all the sordid details, but for months he and I were living a lie. A double life. Loving father and Cup-O-Pizza entrepreneur by day, sinner by night. I knew we shouldn't be doing this, but I was finding it beyond impossible to quit him. We continued to live this shameful lie, until one day when a couple kids from my prayer group saw us leaving a gay bathhouse where we'd just been involved in something which is forbidden in many middle eastern countries. And like typical and irresponsible children, they not only took pictures, but immediately posted them online. We had been exposed!
Over the next 12 months, I lost my family, my business went under, and I was rejected by everyone in the congregation. Things were at the lowest point ever. My dear sweet doctor wouldn't even return my calls. I had no idea where to turn.
Just when I figured I'd never hear from him again, I got an email from the doctor, and I was greatly surprised. When I opened it, I received a shock so devastating that I am still in disbelief to this day. My beloved doctor, who was at the root of my sinful lifestyle which cost me everything, was non other than Eugene from high school! He had seduced me with the intent of ruining my life! And he wasn't even gay! That's how strongly he wanted vengeance for the things which happened in school.
So what can you take from this? Well mainly, don't abuse chemistry nerds. They might grow up to be your doctor, turn you towards the gay-way even though they aren't gay, and ruin your life.
And that's all I have to say about chemistry dorks.
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