MovieChat Forums > The Bad Lieutenant: Port of Call - New Orleans (2009) Discussion > 100 things I've learned from this movie ...

100 things I've learned from this movie (spoilers)

posted 15 years ago by morph85
63 replies | jump to latest

1. If you're a 15yr old boy that is an eye-witness in a murder trial against a notorious mobster, you run away from cop protection and hide on a hooker alley at night. At least that's where the cops will be looking for you.

2. If you're a cop and an eye-witness is having second thoughts about cooperating in a trial you should gun point his mother and threaten her with life in jail and framing her killing her boss.

3. If you're high than you will definitely look and talk like a retard.

4. If you are an addict you must steal kilograms of heroin, cocaine and weed every day because you will definitely consume more than that.

5. If you are a lieutenant investigating drug dealers and you see an imaginary iguana on a table and of course make a big deal out of it in front of your colleagues they will see nothing wrong with that.

6. Also if you suddenly look and act like a pot head (or a retard) as a cop for a long period of time, your colleagues will see nothing wrong in that, especially if you saw an imaginary iguanas earlier.

7. If you are a hooker and 2 random guys say that they want to have sex with you you will be terrified and go to the bathroom and cry.

8. If you are a bad lieutenant and have money problems and someone wants to bride you with a 60.000 dollar something you will refuse and settle for a blowjob and a joint instead.

9. If you are a bad-ass experienced killer mobster and an unstable drug addict lieutenant points a gun to your head you will consider him a loyal and close friend without second thoughts.

10. If you are a gambler and you want a player to cheat in a football match for you you will ask him to win the game, not to loose it.

11. If two gangsters meet one will talk his way into stealing the others stash of cocaine.

12. If a crocodile is ran over by a car as a director you must give his brother crocodile a 1 minute silent movie time from his point of view.

13. If you are a bell boy and a former addict and you walk uninvited in someones hotel room while he's sniffing lines of coke you won't even notice.

14. If you're a cop and a bell boy comes into you're hotel room uninvited while you're sniffing coke you won't be bothered at all.

15. If you lost a silver spoon 20-30 years ago and you searched for it for years don't worry, you will find it in a middle of a night when you're high.

16. If a pregnant former addict prostitute, an addict cop, an addict and alcoholic mother and an alcoholic father stay at a table they will drink sparkling water.

17. If you don't have a point by the end of a 2h long movie you will just show a still frame with the main character expressionless for a few minutes and then make him laugh for no apparent reason.

18. If you are a true masochist like me you will stay by the end of the movie.

[–] deanowest 15 years ago

19. I learned old people have f ucking ruined this country!

Dictated, but not read.

[–] edwardecl-1 15 years ago

20. If his soul is break dancing, shoot him again.

[–] senditrich 15 years ago

21. Don't mistake Heroin for Coke.

Love is like homework. You gotta study if you want to get an A.

[–] radb707 15 years ago

22. The .44 Magnum tucked in your pants matters more than the badge in your jacket.

23. People leaving nightclubs at night ALWAYS carry a purse full of drugs.

24. Building condos on the coast of New Orleans where it previously flooded to hell not too long ago is a great business opportunity.

25. If you beat or threaten an old woman, you can always tell everyone she has dementia and get away with it.

26. Only hit women "down south".

27. *beep* goes missing from the evidence room all the time and no one cares.

28. Don't run over an alligator. It WILL *beep* up your vehicle.

29. Before arresting you, police always consider whether or not to just shoot you and take your money.

30. You can get rid of any speeding ticket with the lure of your penis.

31. This movie is hilariously crazy.

[–] freq32 15 years ago

hell yes, i laughed so hard at that joke!

[–] mondieu21 15 years ago

32. Moral of the story: No matter how much you screwed up, random luck will solve everything just fine in the end.

33. Being a big time drug abuser makes you walk like the Hunchback from Notre Dame.

34. Carrying your big *beep* gun loosely on the front in your belt like an old western gunslinger is totally acceptable, even by superiors.

35. If a horny, female police officer wants to have sex with you, just fall asleep. She will completely understand it and help you out afterwards.

[–] rynickis 15 years ago

36. If you give a terrible *beep*ing performance, but then laugh ridiculously every few scenes, an audience will think you've made a comedy.

37. Black women, living in poor neighborhoods, always answer the door with babies in their arms. Like the loaf of bread you always have to have sticking out of the grocery bags in movies, to tell people that there are groceries in that bag.

38. I feel like I'm running out of steam here after laughing so hard at the 35 previous "things I've learned from this movie."

[–] radb707 15 years ago

39. A spoon is pirate treasure. Remember that.

40. Mixing pure uncut cocaine and vicodin will not kill you.

41. You can get a conviction on a bad guy with circumstantial evidence and a crack pipe.

42. Catch those who break the law, no matter the dozens of laws you break in the process. Because as long as you catch them, it's ALL OKAY! See also: Jack Bauer

43. Val Kilmer is considered the "bad" cop.

44. Jumping into 5 feet of water can *beep* up your back.

45. Sometimes, you have bad days. The cure for this is cocaine.

[–] rushid 15 years ago

46. Even if your head is so full of dope that you see the soul of a dead man break dancing, don't worry, your eyes will look just normal.
47. Change your accent during the film as much as you can, it makes your talent bigger. If you can't change it anymore just put a cotton ball into your mouth and pretend to be Marlon Brando.

[–] herrin_jerry 15 years ago

48. This is what happens when iguanas make their own movies

49. An addict mother-in-law will pour cocaine onto the floor instead of pocketing it, just to make a point which doesn't exist.

50. Alcoholics are incapable of feeding a dog.

[–] Mark_Beronte 15 years ago

keep goin' it's helping me purge this simplistic mess of a movie, and the herd of cows who enjoyed it, from my consciousness.

[–] miruleyall 15 years ago

51. Pro grid iron players are morally upstanding people and will not throw the game dispute risking their whole career

52. Cops who pressure above said grid iron players will not care that they could of tens of thou$$$and$$$ and be totally okay with it because 'everything has worked out anyway!'

53. Drugs bring the whole family together!

54. You can get woken up in the dead of night by someone whos high holding a rusty spoon to your face and be totally calm, then go back to sleep.

55. Have your back to a Aquarium and laugh, hahahahahah!

56. Hold up a Pharmacy and have no afterthoughts or percussions

57. While in a night club, you can keep your dog in the car.

58. Staying with a support group member for less then one night will automatically make you quit your addiction.

Insert @V@T@R

[–] landgabriel 15 years ago

59) A woman can be a drug addict and a whore yet still have a great complexion and look like the epitome of vibrant good health and fertility.

60) Tell, don't show.

61) If you want to make a movie about hard drugs and drug abusers, it is not necessary to have any experience with hard drugs.

62) Werner Herzog might have had 2nd unit production film all the dialog and he just filled in the random picturesque New Orleans long shots and animal shots for poetry.

63) A super hot, Los Angeles ten, beautiful babe will be attracted to the lovable beat up middle age loser with no ambition in life.

64) Someone mentioned that they learned that an alligator could mess up a car in an accident. NO. AN ALLIGATOR WILL FLIP A CAR COMPLETELY OVER IF YOU HIT IT ON THE ROAD

65) Werner Herzog will NEVER be David Lynch.

[–] Ponzer 15 years ago

66). A crappy to really mediocre movie gets panned by critics and movie goers alike. Unless your name is Herzog, then it's a master piece and people just don't understand how great it is.

"Love keeps her in the air when she oughta fall down. Makes her home."

[–] adamgha 15 years ago

67) Don't keep naked pictures of your wife in your work locker. If you do, don't tell the shadiest officer in the force to fetch them back for you.

68) Police officers aren't allowed to "act all crazy."

69) Always tip the rude pharmacy cashier who hates you so she can treat the rest of the employees who also hate you to free drinks.

--
Adam
100 Things I Learned: The Website
http://www.100thingsilearned.com

[–] not_even_one 15 years ago

70. A mobster that's suspected of multiple homicide and is being tracked down by the whole police department will show up at the police station with a lawyer.

71. Doing blow in front of police officers at a crime scene is okay because you're a cop.

72. Getting 10 grand delivered in cash at your desk at the police station is also okay.

73. No one will notice a cop cruising around the city in broad daylight with a notorious crime boss in his Escalade. Even if he and his thugs are disposing of a body. In broad daylight.

[–] shroomn 15 years ago

65) Werner Herzog will NEVER be David Lynch

Where exactly does he attempt to do something Lynchian?

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[–] Tommy_W 15 years ago

81. Old women with breathing tubes become 38% sexier when the tube is removed, impairing their ability to breath.

82. Add a gun to another old woman's head in the same scene, and I am fairly sure you have yourself a recipe for a scene hotter than the one in that movie where the chick with the big teeth from Party of Five kissed the ex-wife of that dude from Two and a Half Men.

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[–] panik65 15 years ago

First, I live in NOLA and the NOPD, as depicted, are not even a slight exaggeration. In fact, it is understated if anything. Second, yes, Herzog was channeling Lynch at times, but it worked out well. Nothing out of the ordinary here, move along.

[–] landgabriel 15 years ago

Never seen Dune.

[–] Freewheelin11 15 years ago

Strange, considering Dune is easily Lynch's worst movie.

"Yeah, well, you know, that's just, like, your opinion, man." - The Dude

[–] ricardo-abreu-1 15 years ago

83. Shades provide top-notch cover to black eyes.

84. Reptiles and breakdancers are now creative allucinations.

[–] teaguetod 15 years ago

85. Cops and bookies can always discuss illegal gambling debts and/or payoffs in loud voices in the middle of a police squadroom, and may also flash $10,000 cash in front of everyone without causing any kind of reaction or comment from other sworn law-enforcement officers.

[–] preyhar 15 years ago

86. If your nickname is "G", people will always laugh at you.

[–] Ruby_Quincunx 15 years ago

'74.No one in New Orleans has a New Orleans accent, and if they did, they all died in Hurricane Katrina. '

Too true. Has there ever been a movie besides Down by Law that managed to get the New Orleans accent right (black or Yat)?

87: Truth is stranger than fiction (or, only the naïve doubt the bottomless depravity of the NOPD): http://www.thenation.com/doc/20090105/thompson2

IMDb profile: http://www.imdb.com/name/nm3191299/

[–] The_Great_Fausto 15 years ago

88: Don't smoke crack out of someone else's crack pipe no matter how lucky they tell you it is.

[–] panik65 15 years ago

This one did. Hardly anyone in New Orleans actually talks like a "yat."

[–] Ruby_Quincunx 15 years ago

If you knew a few NOPD detectives you'd take that back: Yat city. But more to the point, most actors try to *create* a New Orleans accent, usually some blend of Kentucky planter & Atlanta businessman.

No exception here: Nicholas Cage didn't sound like anyone who'd likely be in his position (regardless of being Yat or not), & most of the other characters flew in from California to judge from the sound of them. Just because most people in NOLA don't talk Yat doesn't mean that they talk like the people in this (or almost any New Orleans) movie either.

Herzog's made an interesting film anyway, even if some of the regional peculiarities did escape him.

Best NOLA accent ever? Mardi Gras Massacre (http://www.imdb.com/title/tt0077912/). Cops too.

IMDb profile: http://www.imdb.com/name/nm3191299/

[–] pepestre 15 years ago

89. When a bookie comes into a police department yelling @ a cop and demanding his money back with threats of a harmful nature, just claim you are late on your rent, everyone will understand without question.

90. When a fellow officer reports that the weight of the drugs was substantially less than what you were sure it was, it's okay, as long as he left enough for a felony. Also, keep a very surprised expression on your face but don't pursue the matter, just keep the expression.

91. When your hot hooker girlfriend doesn't want to stay with your *beep* up family, just take her to the back and tell her a neat story about your childhood and your procurement of a treasure from the said childhood. She will change her mind.

[–] bennettadams 15 years ago

92. There is only 1 black police officer in the New Orleans Police Dept.

93. If you kill the most powerful Italian gangsters and/or snitch on the most powerful black gang there are no repercussions.

94. The New Orleans PD doesn't drug test.

95. A junky with uncut heroin waits to see his girl to see how good it is/get high.

95. No one in this thread has experience with narcotics. coke+vicodin will rarely kill you, it's clear his drug of choice switches to heroin, and both coke and heroin have VERY little effect on eyes (pupil dilation, constriction respectively)

[–] cclause 15 years ago

92. There is only 1 black police officer in the New Orleans Police Dept.

93. If you kill the most powerful Italian gangsters and/or snitch on the most powerful black gang there are no repercussions.

94. The New Orleans PD doesn't drug test.

95. A junky with uncut heroin waits to see his girl to see how good it is/get high.

95. No one in this thread has experience with narcotics. coke+vicodin will rarely kill you, it's clear his drug of choice switches to heroin, and both coke and heroin have VERY little effect on eyes (pupil dilation, constriction respectively)

Re: 92, in the early scene at the police station where the captain played by Vondie Curtis-Hall, who is black, is describing the crime and victimes, there is a pan of the officers who will be working the case. Three or four of these men are black. The D.A. is also black.

RE: 95, Cage's character states that he has gotten 1.5 hours of sleep during the past three days. That might have an affect on someone's eyes.

[–] scrapmetal7 15 years ago

Can't wait! Poor Nic Cage, man i hope he makes some money soon.

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[–] Mark_Beronte 15 years ago

This is hella fun, but let me add

96. That some women have forward facing vaginas.

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[–] mgajr2003 15 years ago

This was awesome and it needs to be recognized.