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100 things I learned from watching 'The New Daughter'

posted 15 years ago by sfarnsworth21
41 replies | jump to latest

1) It's more than alright to break into someone elses home and look through their things.. as long as they don't catch you doing so.

2) Letting my children "explore" an unknown area while I sleep in a chair, IS a good idea.

3) Don't worry about telling the children to be home before it gets dark unless they've already done it a few times.

4) If you're an officer of the law, and believe that you just hit someone or something with your car and are in that car with a potential suspect, just hang out the window instead of checking to see if you just hit one of the children that live on that property.

5) If you are said officer, and a flesh eating zombie grabs hold of you, dont worry about ever once reaching for your gun. Maybe he'll just decide he's not that hungry after all.

6) When there are flesh eating zombies breaking into your house and you have to go look for your child, just leave the other child in a little blanket tent even though theres a door in (at least) one room that leads to the inside of the walls. Because you know, zombies (or whatever the heck they were) can't get through blankets.

7) Dads aren't as good at parenting as "slut" moms.

8) When the ugliest girl in school tells me I'm in her seat I should apologize right away and move as quickly as I can.

9) Leaving my children with someone I've never met is alright as long as someone I hardly know recommended them.

10) All 200 year old ladies are great baby sitters so we should trust them.

11) Bring more ammo than just a handful when rescuing your child!!!!

12) If your daughter isn't normal, hell, burn the house down WITH HER IN IT!

Feel free to add your own..

[–] LeedsPokerGuru 15 years ago

13) A good plan looks something like this. You fight off a wave of monsters storming your house. You should leave your weak and feable youngest child all alone in his bedroom, in a tent, with your coat and a flash light. Meanwhile a physically superior adult should leave the house (where the monsters were last seen) and take the shotgun with.

14) I pitty the fool who said playing Xbox is bad for you and kids should go outside. Obviously the dangers of ancient indian burial mounds outweigh GTA IV.

15) White people *beep* with American Indians, now its revenge time.

16) Small town sherrifs are super bright.

17) When a massive ammount of spiders are crawling all over your kitchen, don't call pest control... BBQ some stakes on the porch!!!!!!

18) Smoking kills. Ask the babysitter.

19) That mound was massive. It could easily be used as a guess mound when the family come to visit.

20) When trying to take a loaded gun off a child, telling him to slowly drop to his knees is a very uneffective tactic.

[–] pitbull_uk 15 years ago

21) costner STILL a bad actor, has more camera time & improvises his way through

[–] 15 years ago

[deleted]

[–] neyney_rulez 15 years ago

22 if a man wears a bow tie in day time and his veneers are too big, he's an idiot!!

23 if you're house is going to be under attack by zombies, consider moving.

[–] drajin 15 years ago

24. If your daughter have a strange looking skin rash just do nothing about it.

25. If she is throwing up and have fever just put her in a bed.

26. If you find a pile of mud in her closet hit your head few times on a door.

27. If you have any problems about being a parent just "Root Around".

[–] johnson40 15 years ago

***SPOILERS***

28. When you suspect your daughter of being possessed, blow her up BEFORE trying to cure her.

29. Always take your daughter to the doctor if she has a clearly dangerous rash, unless she's also showing symptoms of dizziness, vomiting, sleepwalking, aggression and extremely erratic behaviour, then it's probably nothing.

30. When you run something over with your car, assume the world has turned 180 degrees underneath you and check for the body in FRONT of the car instead of behind you.

31. Small town sheriffs are instructed to stay inside the car after they might have hit a bunny.

32. Leaving muddy footsteps all over the house 2 times a day is considered normal behaviour at *that* age and should not be brought up.

33. Never simply tell your son that he is holding a loaded gun, instead try to give more creative instructions.

[–] one189teen50five 15 years ago

#34. Show this on Father's Day and realize your brats are pretty good kids after all.

[–] 15 years ago

[deleted]

[–] herink_t719 15 years ago

#37. Rally round the mound family, with a pocket full of shells!
#38. If your daughter enjoys playing in the dirt, she'll take the term "grounded literally.
#39. You won't notice a tunnel into a mound until your daughter goes missing.
#40. I'm going to start a teen girl delivery service because apparently teen girls can move every piece of furniture in a house and stack it with no problem, then I can pay them minimum wage and make bank.
#41. Seven Year olds get completely flustered when they find guns.
#42. Your son's teacher will be eager to discuss your recent divorce.
#43. Tell the seller he left a loaded shotgun in the piano, eh nevermind I'll just bury it.
#44. If there's some sort of shell inside of a straw doll, don't open it, how could there possibly be anything good inside?!
#45.Police won't investigate someone buying amonium nitrate but dig up one dead body and they start pointing fingers.
#46. I had sex with ancient monsters and all I got was this stupid doll
#47. Don't question your daughter when she's eating in an animal manner, its just puberty
#48. If you're trying to marinate some steaks and you spot a spider, just brush it away. No one cares about an unsanitary kitchen when you live in the middle of nowhere
#49. If you're driving down a dark road surrounded by woods and you see something running up ahead, get out an investigate instead of driving after it
#50. Teachers and students will not notice a girl sitting on the ground digging all day
#51. Kevin Costner lied. He never called the other cop back.
#52. If you've been bullying the new girl, don't confront her in a stairwell.
#53. Never live in a home that has rumors circulating around town about it, people should know this.

[–] 15 years ago

[deleted]

[–] blakeritchen 15 years ago

54. Kevin Costner can make a movie worse than The Postman.
55. Native Americans used to have sex with creepy creatures.
56. I miss Waterworld.
57. Kevin Costner should make another Western.
58. Kevin Costner should make another baseball movie.
59. Babysitters should be ready to die for the kids they're watching. That's the code!
60. Movies should stick with either zombies or magic powers to possess young girls, not both.
61. I actually still have a lot of questions about how this movie possibly even got released on DVD.

[–] Charlie_Chaplin_Fan 15 years ago

62. The only way to enjoy this time with Kevin Costner is by having some Wild Turkey to wash down my Vicoden.
63. If you forget to bring your cat's litter box to the new house you can just pick one up the next day, until then the cat can piss and crap on the floor.
64. If you have no milk when you move in it will magically appear on the table the next morning before you get a chance to go to the store.
65. Leaving won't save you.
66. No one investigates when an old man burns a teenage girl.
67. Spiders multiply when placed in a drawer overnight.
68. Teenagers talk to porceline dolls when they're angry at bullies.
69. Scientists really do nothing of value in this movie, accept make a poor attempt to make the bad storyline fit together.
70. Your daughter can be born in America, but may have a slight Spanish accent.
71. Beautiful big houses always have supernatural issues so we should all probably live in shacks.
72. If you start telling a rumour to a new customer about their house you must never finish telling the story even if they insist that you do, and their life is at risk if you don't.
73. Teenagers love to play in the mud and make nests in their closets.
74. If your cat is missing it's probably been eaten.
75. Deities are pedophiles.
76. Little boys cry when ants die.
77. Babysitters make cookies.
78. Dad's like their sons far better than their daughters.
79. If you google "Crappy Dad" a picture of Kevin Costner comes up.

[–] droche-3 15 years ago

80. If your daughter tells someone that she is "adopted" you must play the part of the frustrated caring father and resist the impulse to slap her within an inch of her life.

81. Extremely flammable liquids never ignite unless a flare is dropped directly into them.

82. Single dads are always humorously startled when they find that their baby girls are developing hourglass figures and mysterious mounds.

[–] dr_unken-601-518685 15 years ago

83. When inside the Ancient Native American burial mounds, not only do they have the same spacial physics as Doctor Who's Tardis, but the soil covering the mound also allows moonlight to pour though and highlight the areas of the cave-like hollow you are not pointing your torch at.

84. Kevin Costner in a horror = total sh*t.

[–] robertmoffatt68 13 years ago

Actually diesel is not as dangerous as gasoline.

[–] taylorje 14 years ago

85. If you find the family cat eviscerated, just take it to Stephen King's "Pet Sematary." It will be right as rain in a day or two. Of course, it will be seriously creepy, but since cats are tempermental anyway, maybe the kids won't notice.

86. When your kids' teacher watches them while you're being investigated as a murder suspect, letting her take them back to their home is a great idea. Since something very terrible is about to happen, they should be on-site.

87. If your teenage daughter disobeys you by going outside at night, tell the babysitter to make sure she stays inside. Your daughter will certainly obey a complete stranger instead of you.

88. If you're a best-selling novelist, staring at a blank computer screen for hours on end is a great way to write the next book.

89. If your dad orders you to stay inside until the police arrive, head on down to the burial mound anyway.

90. If you're an old lady and get a babysitting job, make cookies with one kid and ignore the other one, especially since you were told to watch her.

91. Make it even harder on your kids after the divorce by moving them away from their school and friends. Starting a new school in mid-term will make them feel so much better.

[–] DemonGate 14 years ago

92. The quality of the film is just as misleading as it's title.
93. Kevin Costner must be hard up for cash.
94. The director of this film isn't working in Hollywood anymore.

"No ticket!" - Indy (Indiana Jones and the Last Crusade)

[–] verbosity 14 years ago

95. Rich people think that small-town folk still have milkmen - or at least a grocer who will deliver.
96. If your "slut" wife leaves you to run off with another man, ship the *bleep*ing kids off to her and pay the bloody alimony!
97. [From this and several other films/books] NEVER EVER move to a big house in the country to get inspired to write your next big novel... get a condo in Manhattan or some other big city.

[–] bronxmom 14 years ago

98. Apparently all local folk need to do is steer clear of the place to not be attacked by the creatures. Problem solved.

Cake or death?

[–] arratetxu 14 years ago

99. Everytime you're suspicious about what's going on at your new home, a heavy storm will start automatically.

100. Kicking Bird, Wind In His Hair, etc. will take a revenge, even in the other life, if you try to marry Stands With A Fist.

[–] israelx7 14 years ago

101. Some movies are so forgettable that number 101 about things you learned from it is

I still think Tony DiNozzo Sr. is a spy/NCIS

[–] wilde_jaz 10 years ago

102. If your mother abandons you, your dad moves you to a haunted place deep in the woods where there's scary stuff. and then you die.

[–] cards-428-650968 12 years ago

"85. If you find the family cat eviscerated, just take it to Stephen King's "Pet Sematary." It will be right as rain in a day or two. Of course, it will be seriously creepy, but since cats are tempermental anyway, maybe the kids won't notice."

roflmao - great one taylorje!

[–] chadius1 13 years ago

One thing i learned from perusing the IMDB forums...

There's always some #@*! posting these 'things i learned' threads on basically every halfway crappy or worse movie in existence.

[–] one189teen50five 13 years ago

#102--people are no judge of good movies. People flunked out on how to rate a great movie. You dunderheads are purely moronic and should be eaten by ants when you lay in bed scarfing on chip and dip, soda, and ice cream. #103--Quit dissing this movie. It's very good and Kevin Costner is the greatest actor today or yesterday and will be tomorrow.

[–] nammage 11 years ago

I like Kevin Costner films, have 13 of his films on DVD but he is not the greatest actor of all time. In my opinion, from what I have of his, and seen of his, these are his great films (no particular order): 1. Silverado 2. Tin Cup 3. For Love of the Game 4. Dances with Wolves 5. Open Range 6. A Perfect World 7. The Untouchables and 8. Bull Durham. The rest are average to below average to it just sucks.

Not even close to "the best ever".

-Nam

I'm on the road less traveled...

[–] forsyth_4 13 years ago

105. When a spider comes out of the voodoo doll your child was sleeping with drop it, act startled, and let the spider crawl away

106. Ants are Effin interesting

107. Digging with your bare hands is good for carpel tunnel

108. Everyone has a construction company ready to dig up a mound within an hour of the phone call

109. The little boy needs piano lessons

110. Mound walkers are crippled but run fast

111. All professors with plaid shirts and hot T.A's are intelligent

112. its easy to clean up mud with just a paper towel

113. When you walk in your house and find someone with a slit throat try to talk to her

[–] nprvmn 13 years ago

114. Disappointing ending leaves you hanging to ponder on an uncomplicated plot that really doesn't warrant the time spent wondering if there's anymore to it.

115. Ivana Baquero is breathtakingly beautiful.

116. Beware of the Gooey-Subterranean-Alien-Humanoid-Gods w/ Sandworm mouths?

[–] trilbynhiss 13 years ago

117. That once again, if there's an animal in a horror movie, there's a really good chance it's going to die a gruesome death. Unless it's Jonesy from Alien cuz he's badass.

Poor Marmalade.

[–] ShesSuchaLady 13 years ago

118. If your daughter disrespected you for days on end, starts turning into a monster in front of your eyes, & you have another child much younger who's most likely out of his mind with fear...screw it, just blow yourself up with the daughter.

119. Whatever that meal is that KC made that night that his daughter ravished like a starving animal,i want some, it must be DELICIOUS!

120. Little druid=ant thingies must have some serious game for them to be as horrifyingly ugly as they are & only give someone a grass doll...

121. After going through all that to get the girl, finally bring her to your lair, just leave her unguarded, sure, the dad's after her with a shotgun, he won't come after her.

[–] Darknessviking 11 years ago

agree to both #114 and #115

[–] 12 years ago

[deleted]

[–] lguan73 12 years ago

122. Never buy a house that is built next to a mound.
123. The albino mound walkers were first encountered in caves by a group of explorers in the movie "The Descent".
124. When getting ready to confront the mound creatures for what could be the final battle, make sure to load a pump-action shotgun with only 2 shells.

[–] eukodol 12 years ago

125. It's quite easy to bulldoze and blow up an ancient Indian burial mound without 500 lawyers kicking down your door.

[–] filmbuff-6 12 years ago

126. If your kid's teacher wants to get some and wreaks of desperation, she'll make it abundantly clear by being overly available at every possible moment.
127. Children NEVER get a say in the house parents choose. They just have to deal with it.

[–] MrsAlpert 11 years ago

128. Bacne is a BITCH! Get some ProActive at the first sign of a breakout, or all your skin will rot off.
129. Best-selling writers stoke their creativity by sitting at a narrow desk with their faces eighteen inches from a starving artist painting.
130. All 4th grade teachers have a clipboard which shows where all students in the school should be at all times, and are at a parent's disposal 24/7. Especially when the parent is Kevin Costner.

[–] kascha-klaussen 11 years ago

128. Once you've noticed that:

A. your weird, trippy daughter is morphing into a night thing

B. Daughter in part A above has a million snarky questions to ask about her teacher/your new girlfriend that imply very clearly that she is still pissed and territorial about the position her mother walked off of.

C. Daughter in part A above stares daggers into aforementioned new girlfriend whenever you talk to her.

D. Babysitter recommended by new girlfriend in part B above has successfully been left alone with small defenseless son and snarky morphing daughter in part A above and has been verified to have been pulled out of the house, eaten, and stuffed in a dirt mound

E. Positive identification of the role of Daughter in Part A thru D above in the scheme for WORLD CONQUEST being hatched by The Flesh Eating Zombie Gods of The Mound Du Bacqueyarde has been made, and it consists of her becoming a Royal, being photographed from miles away in her underwear, doing that annoying wave at her subjects, and then HATCHING MOAR of The Flesh Eating Zombie Gods of The Mound Du Bacqueyarde

THEN, and ONLY THEN...

Leave teacher/new girlfriend from Part B above in the EXACT SAME PREDICAMENT as finger food/Babysitter from Part D above.

Because relationships created through tense, violent and highly explosive life-threatening situations never last anyway. Right?