Things I Learned From Watching Enchanted

12 a. James Marsden's kiss won't save you if you've bitten into a poisoned apple, but Patrick Dempsey's will.
(Actually, I believe the reverse is true...)

11 a. The best way to open an elevator door is to stab it with your sword. That's also good way to kill buses in Times Square.;

xx. (I've lost the count) Jumping into the fountain in Enchanted will land you in Times Square; jumping into the rabbit hole in Hop will take you to Hollywood, just under the big sign.

Chipmunks in Andalasia have New York accents; in New York, they only squeak.

A ferry ride to the Statue of Liberty and a walk across the Brooklyn Bridge is a perfectly acceptable NYC date!

38. In case you didn't know, a "hot dog" is not really "dog".

39. Don't bother with a fairy godmother. A credit card is better than a fairy godmother.

40. You can climb up out of a sewer hole, and your big flouncy gown with the big hoop skirt will still be spotlessly white! That is why the New York City sewer workers wear them all the time.

[deleted]

14. There are two worlds, not too far apart, but they have never, ever had contact with each other. ... But don't worry about conversation if they ever meet! They both speak Modern English.

15. Although the fairy world has had plenty of characters get sick and die, we don't have to worry about these strange diseases if a number of those people come and mingle with us. We won't get sick.

16. If a North American woman goes to live with the people in the Fairy Tale world, they all will live Happily Ever After! As opposed to her accidentally passing on a smallpox or chicken pox virus, causing something fatal like the epidemics of measles or the flu that have decimated the exotic countries we've discovered in the past.

17. Even though the Fairy Tale world has no knowledge of viruses and certainly has no vaccines of any kind, animals of that world can come to our dimension and cavort freely through the parks, streets, alleys, garbage cans and sewers of our cities. The worst that will happen to the animals will be that, temporarily, they will lose the power to speak -- they certainly won't get bitten by a flea or tick or insect or rat, and certainly won't develop rabies when they go back to their world for a big wedding scene!

18. You must keep your bachelor pad clean when you get divorced ... or visiting princesses will purse their lips and tsk-tsk when they wake up. And say "this won't do".

19. But not to worry. A few weeks later, when you have eaten off plates that have been dried with the rear ends of sewer rats, using cups and flatwear that were carried around in the feet of street pigeons, on your table that was dusted off with the tail feathers and rear ends of those same street pigeons, and then brushed your teeth with the toothbrushes that the animals used to scrub the toilet ... and finally bathed in the bathtub that was cleaned by roaches that crawled up through your water and sewer pipes ... we are sure that, although your skin + teeth + hair + eyeballs will turn colors and shrivel up and fall off, we are quite sure that you won't get sick and die.

20. Even though your new girlfriend always draws lots of attention to herself (like, I don't know, like turning the whole of Central Park into a big song and dance number. Or being associated with, and killing, the big dragon that ravaged part of Manhattan and fell from the top of the Chrysler Building. The kinds of things that sometimes get noticed), you really don't have to worry about anyone in authority asking to see her papers. Even though she doesn't have any. Even though she is technically an illegal alien. When the I.N.S. even thinks about deporting her, they will of course realize that her story about coming from another dimension underneath the Times Square man hole cover is a quite believable explanation for why she doesn't have a visa, or even a birth certificate.

21. When you finally meet Prince Charming, you will grin with glee as you abandon the only world you have ever known and depart to another dimension, never to see any of your friends again. And, when you discover there that your cell phone really still works, reaching the network of cell phone towers in this world, you can destroy it immediately by smashing it into pieces.

What you WON'T do is say "Honey, before I destroy my cell phone, I think I will call my mother and father and let them know that I am all right. And tell them goodbye, since I'm never going to see them again, or any of the people who had promised to come to the wedding I was going to have with my old fiance, the divorce attorney."

22. And so, no one would ever have to worry that the divorce attorney is going to get a visit. From the police. Asking him "what happened to Nancy? She worked as a designer, and she was engaged to you, and she disappeared and hasn't been seen since ... hey, wait, who is this? Your fiance disappeared and now you have a new girlfriend living with you already? What do you mean she's from the Fairy Tale world? Don't give us that, we're trying to find this Nancy person, who conveniently disappeared just before you hooked up with ... Oh. Nancy went to the Fairy Tale world to live. And this Gisele person just came from there. And you say we can go to your daughter's school and ask her. That all sounds reasonable."

25. Con Ed workers can dance!

26. A young woman wearing a huge white gown talking to strangers at night in the Times Square Area will never be mistaken for a streetwalker.

27. Whether it is a cottage in the woods or an apartment in New York City, when you fill it full of animals to get it cleaned up, they won't need even a single litter box. I guess they all "hold it", or they know how to use a toilet, or something.

28. The most sublime theme in all the world, the most beautiful bond to behold, is that of a mother and her child. It lasts even unto adulthood, when a grown prince has to deal with his feisty and cute queen mother. Because when it becomes known that his fiance, his future princess, has disappeared, and no one at all seems to know where she has gone -- well, of course (!), his mother right away lets him guess that the princess has tumbled down the magic well, after his mother pushed her in. Probably because no one would ever have known otherwise. We on the other side maybe didn't catch the sublime and beautiful implications of him showing up in Times Square, and simply forgot that no one in fairyland except the Queen had any idea what had happened to Gisele.