MovieChat Forums > Supernanny (2005) Discussion > Making Kids Say 'I'm Sorry'

Making Kids Say 'I'm Sorry'

posted 17 years ago by lime99
29 replies | jump to latest

I have noticed that Jo teaches the parents to have the kids apologize to their parents after they have been naughty and have sat in time out for a period of time. When I was going to school for early childhood education, I was told that we should not ask or expect young children (preschoolers) to say they are sorry (particulary to each other) - because they are not sorry, and then you are just causing resentment in the child, and it doesn't mean anything anyway...At the Montessori school where I work, we are supposed to always have the children apologize to each other (or give the other child they "wronged" a hug), so I do that. (However, if we have to place a child in time-out, we don't make a child apologize to us before we let them get up...)

Just wondering what other people's thoughts/experiences are on this? I can see both sides. Discuss :)

[–] tvlover1961 17 years ago

I'm not schooled in early childhood matters, I'm only a parent of one child, but thinking way back (14-16 years now!), I don't think that really little kids understand the concept of apologizing. But it's kind of planting a seed in their minds that this is what you do when you've done something wrong or disappointed someone. If you do it consistently, then by the time they start pre-school or kindergarten, it's a habit. That's just my opinion though.

[–] CharmedGirlyGirl 17 years ago

It's part of preschoolers/toddlers learning skills.

When they get older if they're never taught okay I did something wrong now I should apologize, then they won't ever do it.
You have to teach them these things whether they mean it or not. Lots of older people say they're sorry and don't truly mean it. Same thing. They won't understand what it means until they're a little bit older. But its better than not knowing how to say your sorry or when to. =)

[–] tstrausberg2003 17 years ago

CharmedGirlyGirl ~ I agree with your post

"I LOVE ZEBRA'S"

[–] Zippy B 17 years ago

There is being sorry for doing something wrong, which is actually what the TIME OUT is for, and there is the socialization part of saying you are sorry, even if it turns out you are not.

Just forcing a kid to say they are sorry accomplishes nothing, and when paired with the time out, that is not what makes the kid sorry. The time out makes them sorry. At the very least they learn it is polite to say you are sorry when you do something mean or wrong, and if you are lucky they attach feeling better about being off time out and told they are now being good kids with the act of being and saying they are sorry.

[–] goeswithness 17 years ago

I'm in the Education field and the theory I was taught - which certainly makes sense - is that it's fine to encourage them to say they're sorry, but requiring it, no. You need to teach empathy - "how do you think she's feeling now that you've done that" - and a good talk should lead to an apology, but if it doesn't, the kid needs more time.

However, that doesn't mean there aren't consequences. Instead of time out, which is not really related to what happened, it's better to impose a discipline that fixes what was done. For instance, if a child hits someone, he/she has to do that person a favor. You can do that without SAYING that you're sorry, but it's a punishment that gets them thinking about the other person.

[–] Zippy B 17 years ago

There is empathy, which FORCING a kid to say sorry does not do by a long shot, and there is being polite, which insisting that they say they are sorry (even if they are not) does. Empathy is far more important to instill in a kid, but much harder to do. Empathy and consequences of being mean are something that needs to be dealt with, but part of socialization is learning to appologize for things that you do wrong.

(Something that Canadians have a bad habit of doing for just about everything, so clearly the socialization of appologies has gotten out of hand here.)

[–] Heidi_Smiles 15 years ago

I disagree that "doing a favor" has anything to do with hitting someone.

I was taught the thing about natural/logical consequences too, and it usually breaks down into three categories:

Misbehavior with an object - separate the child from the object.
Misbehavior with an activity - separate the child from the activity.
Misbehavior with a person/group - separate the child from the other person or group.

That's why the "time out" is an appropriate, logical consequence for almost every misbehavior. It makes them stop doing what they are doing, and gives them a chance to think about what they did wrong. Later, they get another chance to return to the object/activity/person with an improved attitude.

I don't know if I've lived 10,000 days, or one day 10,000 times...

[–] acarswe1 17 years ago

I was always forced to say sorry whenever I hit my younger brother or called him names. This didn't work with me because a lot of the time I didn't actually feel sorry and would resent having to "lie". So it is important to make sure the child actually feels sorry (through a punishment or whatever) before they say it.

[–] Spaggett 17 years ago

95% of the time I say sorry I don't mean it at all.

[–] CoconutColloquialism 17 years ago

I've learned something similar to what Goeswithness has said. Coincidentally, I've just finished up a Developmental Psychology course, and we learned to teach the child to empathize. Phrase your explanation in such a way that it makes them feel 'guilty'...explain to the child that THEY have made another person feel badly by their actions. For example, "when you hit your little brother, you hurt him and made him cry. Now he's very sad because of what you did."
This will cause the child to actually FEEL sorry, as opposed to just forcing them to say a word that's probably meaningless to them, and the idea is that it should cause them to apologize on their own.
Now, I can't vouch for its effectiveness 100% :) But I do think there's something to the theory, I've tried it out and there definitely is a sense of empathy/sorrow there, even at a pretty young age.

Drunken children tell the ugliest lies.

[–] mbcullen 17 years ago

Jo's technique is for the parent, after the kid has completed the timeout successfully,to get down to the kid's eye level and ask if they know why they had a timeout. In tonight's show, the parents never had put there kids in timeout. They just yelled or used some form of physical discipline. But when the mom did get into it and did the timeout, she went over to her 7-year-old, got down to eye level, and asked him if he knew why he was in timeout. He knew. He had lied. It was probably the most honest moment the mother and son ever had. She explained he's not to lie to his mother. So the lesson of what the wrong behavior is in included in the technique, as well as saying you're sorry if you do the wrong thing, and reconciliation at the end. It's not just a technique to get the kid to say he's sorry. It's about defining family roles, that the parent is in charge, but the parent loves the kid even if the kid is bad sometimes and is able to show forgiveness as well as teach a life lesson. It's about turning a chaotic atmosphere into a more structure, calm one. Most of the kids being disciplined are totally out of control and are not sorry for any of their behaviors. This technique allows parents to take control and to teach kids if you're not sorry for your behavior, you should be. It helps define what's acceptable behavior and what's not.

[–] Jim_Nezis 13 years ago

Telling the parent to get down tho the kids level is just as bad especially when the kid in question is wacking and kicking the parent in the face.

[–] europe_travel 17 years ago

It's to remind the child that he/she is subservient.

[–] deem714 16 years ago

I was told that we should not ask or expect young children (preschoolers) to say they are sorry (particulary to each other)

I kind of agree... but only because children of that age probably don't know/realize exactly what they did wrong and why it was wrong. You can explain it till you are blue in the face to a three year old, if they dont' get it they don't get it.

I am for discussing with the child what they did to get to the naughty step and seeing if they know the action or the words said to get there. That is the only way to see if the fully understand the reason for the naughty step. THe naughty step won't work if the child has NO idea what they did wrong.

You're laborers, you're supposed to be laboring! That's what you get for not having an education!!

[–] ctemple-5 15 years ago

Exactly! You cannot "discuss" anything with a young child. You cannot argue with a child. You can tell them or explain. But it is not a discussion until they are older and are able to reason through their actions.

It is perfectly okay for a parent to say - BECAUSE THTAT IS THE RULE. That is all the explanation they need in the early years.

[–] phsgradin2005 16 years ago

I think it is so important for a child to learn to say "I'm sorry". The older they get, the more they will learn what it means.

Just because you're hung like a moose doesn't mean you have to be a porn star