What's your favourite episode/moment/quot e? - Father Ted (1995) Discussion

[–] silkyorange 18 years ago

Favourite episodes:-Hell
The Plague

Favourite moments:-Bits with Tom, John and Mary, Bishop Brennan. When rescuing Father Jack from St. Clabbert's.

Quotes:-''Worse than Hitler. You wouldn't find Hitler playing jungle music at three o'clock in the morning''

''I realise now that you meant that in a sort of Al Pacino way. Whereas I was thinking more along the lines of Julie Andrews''

''Fascists are people who go around in black telling people what to do.Whereas priests... more drink!''

''He hates us Ted. He thinks we're all a big bunch of eejits. Especially you Ted. He thinks you're the biggest eejit of them all. Ted-honcho-eejit-number-one''

''To be honest Ted, I forgot you had the money. I was just going to tell you
your fly's open''

''(Points to Jack who lies unconscious on the floor) ''Actually Ted, would that not be Jack there?''

''I'm wearing the trousers as far as this job goes''

''Chair...curtains...floor...GOBSH*TE!''

''I do have some sheep tea in the kitchen''

Priceless stuff - Pure Irish comedy!!!
xxx

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[–] Sid-Blitzen 18 years ago

(Dougal is praising eggs)
"Oh, I love eggs, Ted. Sometimes I think I'm going to turn into a big egg".

Ted: "I think that process is already under way".

Or when the fella in the wheelchair whacks his good leg with the truncheon, thinking it's his numb leg - "Oh, Sweet Jaysus!!"

Dougal: "I might as well drive the milk-float. I'm doing flip-all as a priest".

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[–] thewubbelupagus 18 years ago

Episodes:

Good Luck Father Ted (Episode 1 w/ the craggy island fair-spiderbaby)
Eurosong Contest
The Plague

Quotes:

Dougal: I've been drinkin' like a mad eejit!
(Followed by)
We're all goin' to heaven boys!
(Followed by)
I'm Drivin' home, and I'm perfectly capable. (falls on his face).

Jack: Feck off CUP!

Ted: Oh no...not toilet duck again...

Bishop Brennan: What do the following words suggest to you: Jack, Sleepwalking, and Bollocks Naked!

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[–] pirate_eyes30 18 years ago

Dougal: How's the son?
Bishop Brennan: What?!
Ted: The son of God! How's everything in the world of religion?
Bishop Brennan: Shut up Crilly.

I'll have you know that's my knee you're straddling!

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[–] fulgrimsmonkey 18 years ago

Douga: How are you Len?
Bishop: Its Bishop Brennon you little prick!
Dougal: Oh right you are Len.

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[–] 18 years ago

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[–] srharry 18 years ago

"Clit Power?!... I knew a Father Clint Power once, I wonder if she's having a go at him?"

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[–] DBloodnok 18 years ago

I just love Father Fintan Stack in 'New Jack City'

TED: Hello?! er...who are you?
STACK: Who are you?

I LOVE the way Stack asks 'who are you?'

STACK: Bye girls! Pair o' wankers.

"Someone has been tampering with Hank's memories."

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[–] RhysHayes 18 years ago

Lost in the Bra Section, truely a classic moment.

Oswald was a fag.

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[–] ArmandFancypants 18 years ago

"...

...

...

...

...HE DID KICK ME UP THE ARSE!"

Bishop Brennan = Best Character Ever. Or maybe that's Father Noel

"Now, I liked The English Patient. Sure, it was long, and it was boring, but it was my kind of film!"

__
"Tahiti is not in Europe! I'm going to be sick!"

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[–] start_me_up 18 years ago

Hairy Japanese Bastards!

"We all know Melina has a little case of the runs"

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[–] davemain-1 18 years ago

At the end of A Chrismassey Ted when Ted is talking about the tea machine and compares getting tea out of a machine like "giving milk to a baby in a bottle when what he really wants is it out of his mother's..."

Genious

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[–] davidbrock84 18 years ago

Christmas special

Dougal: God, I can't wait to see what's under tomorrow's window. I bet it's a donkey or something.

Father Ted': Really? So, you've changed from your initial prediction of... what was it again? "Ruud Gullit sitting on a shed." God, Dougal, where do you get these ideas from? I bet it's just a lovely angel. What do you think's under tomorrow's window, Father?

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[–] headingforthemoon 18 years ago

"Feck this, and feck that. Ya big bastard. Ugh. Ya big hairy arse, ya big fecker. Fierce stuff! And of course.. the eff word. The baaaaad eff word, you know the one I mean! Eff you... Eff yer effin' wife. Stick this effin' pitchfork up yer hole OH THAT WAS ANOTHER ONE! Bastard this and bastard that, ya can't move for the bastards in her novels, it's wall to wall bastards! Ya fecker, ya bollocks -- GET YER BOLLOCKS OUT OF MY FACE!

... Ride me sideways was another one!" - Mrs Doyle, "And God Created Woman"

Dougal: Ted! Did Len find the rabbits?
Bishop Brennen: WHAT DID HE SAY?
Fr Ted: Ah, nothing your Gra--
Brennen: Did he call me Len again? *calls up the stairs* You address me by my proper title, ya little bollocks!

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[–] turlough02 18 years ago

I LOVE MY BRICK!

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[–] moviebuff74 18 years ago

You mean?

YES! WE PUT THE BRICK ON THE ACCELERATOR

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[–] Waiting-for-Godard 18 years ago

I absolutely love that episode with that Daniel-O-Donnell-type singer Eoin Mc-something or other, and when Mrs. Doyle tells one of the local women when he's coming to the house, the scene after that when she's telling everyone about it - on the phone, the internet, morse code, ha ha, I cry laughing to that everytime!!

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[–] TooSlim 17 years ago

I love them all, they're all feckin' idjuts! But I did love when they were all trapped in the caravan with Father Noel (Graham Norton)!!

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[–] 17 years ago

[deleted]

[–] dansweeneyweb 18 years ago

when Mrs doyle is saying she never really gets the 'sex' thing

"Imagine him standing der wit his lad in his hand wanting you to degrade yourself"
"Get a good mental image there Father"

Or when Mrs Doyle is describing the tea

"Oh I just love the way it turns from a dark brown to a lighter brown... and the biscuit standing beside the cup like a tall soldier"

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[–] Waiting-for-Godard 18 years ago

Oh, way too funny

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[–] fitzie_76 17 years ago

Dia Dhuit!!

Here are some of my favorite quotes from Father Ted:

Ted: What is it that Jack calls the sick? He had a name for them......

Dougall: A shower of bastards!

(I can't remember which episode that came from)

Here is my absolute favorite one:

Mrs Doyle: And of course, the F word Father. Bad F word! Worse than feck, you know the one I mean.

Ted: Yes I do Mrs Doyle.

Mrs Doyle: F you, f your f*ing wife. I stick this f*ing pitch fork up your hole, oh that was another one oh yes!

Classic Ted!!! I love Mrs Doyle!!

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[–] time-out-of-mind 17 years ago

My favourite is the exchange between Ted and Pat Mustard the filthy milkman.

It's the one that goes:
Pat Mustard: I'm a very careful man, Father.
Ted: Except when it comes to taking precautions in the bedroom!
Pat: You're not advocating the use of artificial contraception now, are you?
Ted: Well, ye......well, no...well, naturally.....well, not really....well, of course you'd............JUST FECK OFF!

Oh God, that makes me split my sides laughing. Even re-reading it makes me giggle

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[–] ellie83 18 years ago

"These cows are small. Those cows are faaaar away." :D

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[–] frogona_log 18 years ago

On the episode flight into terror when Dougal bought a "Joke telephone."
Very funny

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[–] reise_reise24 18 years ago

'And Now on BBC1,The Drector's cut Of Jurassic Park with Extra Dinosaurs' !!

A Christmassy Ted

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[–] rpw123 18 years ago

"You know how God made us all..."

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[–] darkraven157 18 years ago

mine has to be the one where they had to boycott a movie and ted and dougal were outside holding signs that said "down with this sort of thing!" and "careful now!"

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[–] 18 years ago

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[–] 18 years ago

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[–] torthemoose 18 years ago

Mrs Doyle: They've got cocaine in them!!!!
Ted: WHAT?!
Mrs Doyle: Oh not cocaine, what do you call them...raisins!!!

'Oh Man, I shot Martin in the face'

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[–] jasonhurd 18 years ago

The one bit that I cannot resist is the crow flying down and stealing Father Jack's glasses right off his face. I cry laughing every time.

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[–] the_asylum666 18 years ago

i think one of the best endings they have ever done was "chirpy burby cheap sheep" when ted uncovers this scheme to sabotage a competition and exposes the culprits and has them disqualified and he walks away in such a proud and heroic manner untill Dougal says "Ted now that chris (the sheep) has been disqualified doesn't that mean you've lost all the heating allowance money that you bet on him" and Ted just realises what he's done having lost the money they bet earlier.

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[–] sluker 18 years ago

There he is so. Risen from the dead. Like that fella... ET

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[–] thewubbelupagus 17 years ago

after Jack loses his glasses to a crow for the second time in "the mainland," he stumbles into an alchoholics annonymous meeting.

Afterwards, wandering around nearly blind, he finds a bar and orders a drink. Someone from the meeting sees him and barges in to try and help him stay "sober."

Good samaritan: No! Father, I won't let you do it! I know it's hard but you'll thank me later....

(Cut to ambulance...)

_________________________________________________________________________________

Dougal not remembering Sister Mary Assumpta, or winning the lottery, or getting arrested, or the fire, or the helicopter, or the tigers...

_________________________________________________________________________________

Ted! Watch this! Now, it looks like an ordinary blackboard, right? But LOOK! You can rub off the letters!

_________________________________________________________________________________

Feckin' Greeks! They Invented Gayness!!!

_________________________________________________________________________________

Ted to Cuban Priest:

"oh...You really shouldn't have."

(unwraps giant stone phallus)

"You REALLY shouldn't have!"

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[–] nobguynes007-1 17 years ago

I love when father Jack steals the car meant for the raffle.
My favorite episodes are Plague and Kicking Bishop Brennan Up The Arse

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[–] velvoofell 17 years ago

Vugging 'Ell!

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[–] CaptainHowdy1987 17 years ago

It's probably already been said, but I love it when Graham Norton (father Noel I think?) says "Where's Tony? Probably went to get some Heroin." I laugh my arse off every time he says that.

"Warhorse. Warhead, F u c k 'em, man, White knuckle tight. Through black and white"

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[–] phil_d85 17 years ago

Ted - Dougal, do we have any incense?

Dougal - ...... em, there was a spider in the bath last night.

-------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Tom - Father, I've killed a man.

Ted - Well i'll have to talk to you about that some other time. Im going to be on the television!

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

John - If anyone comes in here and tries to steal any of my whistles i'll blow their head off their feckin shoulders!

"No offense Lynne but technically your life isn't worth insuring"

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[–] CaptainHowdy1987 17 years ago

Dougal- "Did you say Jack had a trial with Liverpool"?

Ted- "No. He was ON trial, IN Liverpool".

"Warhorse. Warhead, Fuq 'em, man, White knuckle tight. Through black and white"

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[–] teamcream 17 years ago

I'd forgotten about "Hairy Japanese bastards!" Jusr reading made me laugh out loud. But one of my favourite lines is...

Dougal: Ted, the Chinese are coming.

Just the way he refers to a Chinese family as "the Chinese" cracks me up. I also love the picture Ted chooses to characterize "the Chinese people themselves" in the slideshow. Also...

Ted: You had it Dougal, it was Jaws!
Dougal: No I didn't Ted, I said Jaws 2!
Ted: Well it's the same thing-
Dougal: No it isn't, it's a diffierent film, it's a very different film! It's a different shark!

I am an genius

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[–] 17 years ago

[deleted]

[–] CaptainHowdy1987 17 years ago

Father Ted was just a amazingly funny programme, I don't think their was an episode that wasn't funny.

"Warhorse. Warhead, Fuq 'em, man, White knuckle tight. Through black and white"

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[–] amazingmatty 17 years ago

Has Len found the rabbits yet Ted?

Sign up at Ciao to make cash online: http://www.ciao.co.uk/reg.php?AffiliateId=6535491

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[–] Reilly_4 17 years ago

the last post has lead me nicely onto one of my favourite quotes: "call me by my proper title....you little bollocks!" just fantastic. i love the bit when bishop brennan realised he was kicked up the arse and when he comes running towards the parochial house his cape is just for that one shot, extremely large to make him look extra evil. i crack up every single time i see that clip.

What's that? You just called me a bastard didn't you!

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[–] King-Grim 17 years ago

Dougal: "I don't know why we can't look at Aliens. They'd love it, Ted! Bishops love sci-fi!"

Latest film seen: Miami Vice (2006) 3/5

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[–] chocolatepiazza 17 years ago

hard to pick a favorite episode.

Some of my favorites quotes are (sorry about any repeats)

Doogla in Speed 3--"Those women were in the nip!"
Jack---------------"I love my brick" "I'm sick of Brrricck"

Ted in the rabbits episode--"Run Dougal, Run quite fast"
Jack------------------------"Rats! Hairy Japanese Bastards" "Nudie Father Jack!"

http://kevan.org/brain.cgi?HuckleberryBeej.

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[–] smacklab 17 years ago

from speed 3 *ripping of milkman outfit* "Im a priest!"... the look dougal gives when the mass arrives "oh.... MASS!"...

"i can do what i want, i could have you killed"...
"oh bishop brennan, you must have dialed the wrong number just now...etc"

god.... im gonna stop cause i could put whole eps down... its all good...

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[–] retrogal83 17 years ago

I can't believe nobody's mentioned this lovely exchange in The Passion of St. Tibulus, when they are doing their protest:

OLD LADY 1: "We saw this film last week - "The Crying Game".
OLD LADY 2: "Oh it was brilliant!"
OLD LADY 1: "There's this girl, you see, and then you find out that it's not a girl at all...but a MAN!"
OLD LADY 2: "And he gets his 'lad' out. Only for a second - but you get the idea."
OLD LADY 1: "I thought it looked like your Billy's!"
OLD LADY 2: "No, Billy's is rounder at the top."

Classic!

*´¨)
¸.·´¸.·*´¨) ¸.·*¨)
(¸.·´ (¸.·´ You have used 3 inches of Sticky Tape. God Bless You!

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[–] seronie 17 years ago

DOUGAL! WE ARE NOT WATCHING ALIENS!

"Frankenstein was creator,not the monster.A common misconception held by all truly stupid people"

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[–] macpro75 15 years ago

Another favourite: In the first episode when Dougal says (paraphrased badly) "We are not really meant to believe it -- Heaven and Hell and Everlasting Life." His expression and Father Ted's reaction were priceless.

I also enjoyed the episode where they keep running into Richard Wilson (aka Victor Meldrew "One Foot in the Grave" (another great show)) and Dougal keeps saying "I don't believe it" in that flat monotone. I thought that Richard Wilson was a really good sport to play "himself" that way!

"It's a real burden being right so often." Captain Malcolm Reynolds, Serenity

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[–] tomfallon8 10 years ago

"Don't call me Len you little prick, I'm a bishop!"

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[–] Atolm_Dragon 17 years ago

Weirdly I thought it was dead clever in 'And God Created Woman' when the author lady picked up War and Peace that Ted claimed he was re-reading and said 'Oh yes I can see that, there's a bookmark here on page 7' when obviously it was because the book was just too heavy-going for him haha

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[–] rob1970 17 years ago

In 'The Mainland', when Ted tells Dougal:

"Once again you've made me look like a complete idiot in front of real people"

L - M - F - A - O !!!

Lando Calrissian to Nien Nunb "That was too cloose!"

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[–] sydtheekid 17 years ago

My favorite episodes are Hell, Speed 3, and Night of the Nearly Dead.

Eoin McLove: Go away! I don't want to catch the menopause!

Father Jack: They lie in wait like wolves. The smell of blood in their nostrils. Waiting. Interminably waiting. And then...

Eoin McLove: (To Ted) I could have you killed!

I love Eion McLove!

Hell

~Father Ted is demonstrating some plastic toy cows to Dougal.~

Father Ted: ...OK, one last time. These are small... but the ones out there are far away. Small... far away... ah forget it!

Father Ted- It's something that we always do on July 19th....
-DRINK!-
Dougal- Is it something to do with Father Jack?
Father Ted- Maybe it's-OH GOD! IT'S NOT HIS BATH, IS IT!?
-They panic-
Father Ted- No wait, calm down, wait! He just had his bath! Remember, just before Christmas?
Dougal- Oh thank God for that!

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[–] lesleyanne-hay1 17 years ago

The Holy Stone of Clanrichart!
BISHOPS LOVE SCI-FI!
"THAT WOULD BE AN EUCHUMENICAL MATTER!"
A GRADE ONE RELIC WOULD BE CLONING DINOSAURS!
BRILLIANT!
and the Three Faces of Elvis!
Father Jack - "MORE WATER!" - when he was judging the wet t-shirt competition.
Father Jack sober - "Oh no! I'm not still on this bloody island am I!
but!
THERE ARE 100 MILLION PRIESTS IN THE WORLD AND ONLY 10% ARE PERVERTS!

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[–] dain_bramaged_926 17 years ago

My GOD. The episode in which Ted kicks Bishop Brennan up the arse. I swear I almost had a stroke for that one. Especially the whole build up to the moment, when Ted is about to do it then he ends up jumping out of the second story window! Then moments later he walks back into the room and proceeds to deny that he jumped out of the window at all! HAHAHA! I mean, he clearly did! HAHAH! I was thinking about that at work today and I had a laughing fit behind the counter. This show defies comparison. I can't think of anything funnier.

I get the feeling you're violating somebody's basic human rights here...

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[–] ShootHimKurt 16 years ago

The one with the sheep contest, and someone's psychologically knobbling the sheep (is the sheep called Chris?!). The farmer shows Ted a photo of the traumatised sheep in question - "Look at the state of him, he's a shadow of his former self", etc, and Ted is visibly shocked at the state of this once glorious animal. Likewise later, after everything is all sorted out, there's another photo: "look at the difference in him - he's right back to his old self!" "Ah God he is so - he looks a million times better" etc.

In the same episode, Dougal's lurid and ludicrous description of this apocryphal sheep-worrying beast - I forget the details but it breathes purple fire or something and it's six foot tall with teeth all down its back, "and four arses for a head!!"

All glorious, glorious stuff, that oft has tested the ductile limits of my vascular system.

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