1.Biscuit or cake is a really hard choice
2.If you meet Richard Wilson, DO NOT, BY ANY MEANS, SAY "I DONT BELIEVE IT"
3.Crows are pesky glasses theves
4.Keep drunken old priests away fro living room windows
5.Keep elderly house keepers away form window ledges
6.Do not let the new milkman around your girfriend/wife/mum/sister/gran/housekeeper
7.They don't make comedies like they used to :(
Please add more....
8. Don't drink Toilet Duck
9. It is near impossible to buy black socks, but easy to buy very, very dark blue ones
10. Don't let charity money for a sick boy's trip to Lourdes rest in your account
11. That money was just resting in Father Ted's account!
I Only Wished to Become Something Beautiful
Through My Music, Through My Silent Devotion
12. Ted is 'not' a racist (winks!)
13. Just about anyone can become a priest, it's just a matter of saving up the coupons.
She's really Tyler Durden/Keyser Soze/A Man/A Ghost/Dreaming/His sled
14. If the favourite son becomes a doctor, the idiot brother will be sent off to the priesthood.
15. Father Crosby gives good mass.
16. Don't call Bishop Brennan 'Len'...........you little boIIocks!
What's that? You just called me a bastard didn't you!
Do not get lost in a lingerie section, cuz Apparantly....
"Its Ireland largest lingerie section..."
19. On December 24th an advent calender is unlikely to show Ruud Guillit sitting on a shed
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21. That you shouldn't take Catholicism seriously, it's just a bit of a laugh.
She's really Tyler Durden/Keyser Soze/A Man/A Ghost/Dreaming/His sled
22. Never call Father Larry Duff on his mobile phone
-- COOOBRAAAA! --
23 Any question can be answered either yes or that would be an ecumenical matter.
share24. There is an obvious difference between priests and facists. Facists dress in black and tell you what to do, where as priests...
More drink?
25. Rabbits can burrow into lifts with Bishops.
26. The green buttons opens the doors, the red button releases the sewage.
27. Mrs. Doyle's cake has cocaine in it, on no, not cocaine what am I on about, no what do you call them....raisens.
28. On July 19 Galway was liberated from the Indians, Marathon becomes Snickers, and the Ice Age ends.
29. Television is just chewing gum for the eyes.
30. The Craggy Island parochial house has some really horrible wall paper, especially in the bathroom.
31. It's a Priest thing. You wouldn't understand.
32. Those women were in the nip!!!
33. Tom shot J.R.
http://kevan.org/brain.cgi?HuckleberryBeej.
34. Clint Eastwood once got arrested for a crime he didn't....oh wait, its a film
35. If your judging a baby competition, do not get the babies excited
36. Funland, isn't!
37. If in a nice parish in Dublin, be very careful what you put in under "expenses"
38. There are gangs in America
--------------------------------------------------
Whoever saves one life, saves the world entire
39. There's such thing as a Horse Dentist
40. Jean Hatman doesn't even say Mass in the possidon adventure.
"We'll do it my way, faster and more inappropriate"
41. That cow is small, those ones are very far away.
42. Talking loudly about a beast in front of a sheep will make it ill
share43. If you're a priest, buy all your black socks from Habitandhat. Don't buy it from normal shops, they'll feck you over all the time.
She's really Tyler Durden/Keyser Soze/A Man/A Ghost/Dreaming/His sled
44. Dont press the emergency button when the plane is about to crash, there might be a fine for improper use
45. Father Jack is still on that feckin' island
46. You wouldn't find Hitler playing jungle music at 3 o'clock in the morning
47. There's no demand for UHT milk because it's *beep*
48. Trying to talk to Father Stone is like trying to ask the Holy Mother to stop appearing to school girls in Ballenspittle.
49. If Bishop Brennan doesn't have any tea he'll be Bishop Piggy-in-the-Middle.
50. Bishop Brennan's car runs on diesel, not petrlol.
WHOO HOO! HALF WAY THERE!!!
51. Sampras is a good name for a rabbit because of that whole rabbit-tennis connection.
52. Father Jack can hear when he wants to.
53. It's really weird when a tarot deck has 3 Grim Reaper cards--there's only supposed to be 1 in every deck.
54. You know it's a spider-baby because they keep it in a pram.
55. Just ask Tom, he'll help you out.
http://kevan.org/brain.cgi?HuckleberryBeej.
56. Eoin McLove has no willy!!!!
"don't you even know what punk'd is?"
57. ms doyle is sure bishop brennan would like nothing more than "a good old kick up the erse!"
58. theres a 'g' in dougal
59. the doctors told him to cut down but he just couldn't stop dancing!
60. it IS possible for graham norton to be more annoying than he usually is
61. when in times of trouble, maybe we should pray to god? he might.... 'shuffle nervously in seat'
62. Speed 3 is better then Speed 2 by a 100,000,000 miles
63.Tom Shot JR
64. I really want this list to get to 100!! (ok, that one doesnt count.)
65. Bishops like Sci-Fi
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66. I purely got my IMDB username from that leg-end, Fr. Dougal Maguire
67. Never get on the bad side of a drunk T.V presenter
68. Old ladies are prone to acting like zombies
69. Folks holidaying in a caravan tend to "not" be the friendliest people ever
70. Father Jack is a god... a RABBIT god! (although he's racist against them)
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66. Father Jack is even more sarcastic than Father Niall Haverty.
67. Father Jack is still on that feckin' island.
68. The boats come pretty close to the island when they're dumping the old "glow in the dark"
69. Never leave Sister Asumpta alone with chocolate.
70. You have used 5 inches of sticky tape.
http://kevan.org/brain.cgi?HuckleberryBeej.
71. 'Feck Off'
72. Dogs do not have the same sense of humour as humans and would probably not be amused by a joke telephone. The dog on the packet is smiling because someone's given him a nice toy to play with.
She's really Tyler Durden/Keyser Soze/A Man/A Ghost/Dreaming/His sled
73. Four hours of Cluedo is probably some kind of record.
74. Go On
(p.s #70. 'You have used 5 inches of sticky tape' - I have laughed at that all day. Really excellent.)
"This is getting to be ri-god-damn-diculous."
75. The Craggy Island Picnic area has a lot of rules, and if they aren't obey'd the gamekeeper will go mental at you and blow his whistle.
share76. A naked man can stay on the hood of a moving car for quite a long way.
77. Never try to dance in a very small caravan.
79. Father Ted used to have lots of hair on his back-side.
http://kevan.org/brain.cgi?HuckleberryBeej.
80 Bricks make good pets for Drunken Priests
81 No matter which channel you put the TV on that Gobs**te is on it
82 The collective name for the poor is A Shower of Bastards
83 There is no requirement to wear a Bra while playing netball
84 More Water...
85. You can have all the symptoms of death, such as rigourmourtis, no pulse, decomposition...but they can wear off!
86. Never attend AA with Father Jack
87. There's a "G" in Dougal
88. Never an elderly priest drink run-off water from a leaky roof
89. When kicking a Bishop, be sure to avoid getting drunk and ordering 200 copies of photos of the event, as well as a 10x10.
90. If 89 fails, be sure to not let the aforementioned Bishop see it
91. Henry Sellers doesn't like the BBC.
92. Don't give Henry Sellers even a sip of alocohol.
93. John and Mary don't have a very good marraige.
http://kevan.org/brain.cgi?HuckleberryBeej.
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95. Mawengway has the whole house for the weekend, and has cable TV and everything.
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100. The greatest comedies in the world always know to quite while they are ahead.
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Rob-Slide, you speak only the truth.
Mostly :-)
However there is one untruth in that last post, it wasn't number 100 really as we've had a couple duplicated posts. (Yes I'm sad enough to have checked)
Thanks for starting this thread Toddster87 its been lots of fun adding and reading.
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Yeah, screw 100! 201 seems do-able!
102:Dancing across america can get you mugged 12 times.
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104.) Father Jack should have been pope.
105.) Eion McLove can have you killed.
106.) They say its head is full of huge teeth, and it has a retractable leg so it can get up on your bed, and it has four ears, two for listening and two as a back-up, and for some reason it has a massive fear of stamps, and Mrs Doyle says it has magnets on its tail so if you're made of metal it can attach itself to you, and instead of a mouth it has four arses...
107.) There's something strange, you know, three priests living alone on an island like that.
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112: The Chinese are a great bunch o' lads.
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114:Housekeepers do not understand sarcasam.
115:"Down with this sort of thing"
(106 was bloody priceless. How did I not think of that?)
116: If you ever find a middle-aged grey-haired man staring at you in the mirror, make sure it's you
117: Always hold your raffle tickets the right way up, especially if you have the number 11
118: When on your milk route, keep an eye out for pyramid-shaped stacks of cardboard boxes
119: Promiscuous milkmen can wire bombs
120: Father Ted is the anti-santa
121: Always pack a lock-pick in case you become tramped in an underpants hamper
122. Crazy golf is NOTHING like the US Masters
123. Eoin McLove is NOT an equal opportunities employer
124. Ted doesnt have an 'area' "unless its some sort of play area, with sand castles, and buckets and spades"
125. Tom has "Killed a man"
"What? The Curtains?"
126. If you run the gas off the electricity and the electricity off the gas you save £200 a year.
127. They all have lovely bottoms.
128. Billy's is rounder at the top
129. The Greeks invented gayness
130. Eoin McLove's favourite things are jumpers and cakes
131. We're all going to heaven...Waheeeeeeeeeey
132. mmmmm...lovely fags
133. go wide, go wide
134. titus tuis iminimus canus costacurta baggio roberto
135. WILL NOEL SHUT UP, WILL HE? WILL HE PLEASE SHUT UP. WILL HE SHUT UP SHUT UP SHUT UP!!!!!!!!!!! :-)
136. Mrs Doyle feels her glasses make her look like a frustrated old bag.
137. The toilet only works when Ted's head is in it.
138. If you turn on an empty kettle, it will just blow up and you'll be pulling bits of metal out of your face for the next year and a half, exactly like Father Bigley.
139. Ted wouldn't be surprised if they got home and found Jack there with a big smile on his face and arms outstretched to welcome them back. Well, maybe not the smile on his face, or the outstretched arms, or the welcome back. He's probably there.
140 Getting hit by Lighting or Drinking Toilet Duck won't kill you, but Dancing might
share141. Fr. Dick Byrne & Fr. Cyril MacDuff are better than The Pet Shop Boys.
142. Feckarse Industries (www.feckarse.com) make damn fine glasses.
143. You can get opticians charts free with crates of Carlberg.
144. You can get a trophy for anything, even coming third in the Ludo Championship.
145. Cuban priests speak Spanish, drive Porsches and are very fertile.
146. Radiohead are more depressing than Isaac Hayes.
147. John Paul II's name before he became pope was not "Jim".
148. Paraguay is better than being stuck in a 60m year old cave with Fr. Noel Furlong.
149. Morons like Oasis better than Blur.
150. Waking someone up to offer them a peanut only makes them dream about giant peanuts chasing them.
151. Nuns have a soft spot for chocolate, especially priest's chocolate at Lent.
152. Picnic Areas have several rules including No Swearing, No Paddling, No Single Women and No Tree Climbing.
153. Priests either love egg or hate egg.
154. Priests like the TV show "Father Ben".
155. The best accompaniment to "jungle music" is a hammer drill.
156. It is easy to travel from Gdansk to Craggy Island.
157. St. Tibulus wore clothes and had a banana-shaped knob.
158. Sheep have phonographic memories.
159. Housekeepers do not have a good sense of balance.
160. Tranquilliser darts act immediately on human beings.
161. Crows steal glasses.
162. Dougal can't remember being airlifted or nearly killed at the zoo, but mention his blue jumper...
163. Vatican clergy are really laid-back.
164. Hospitals are full of sick people.
165. London is the capital of England.
166. Fashion designers can get so good that they have to be shot.
167. Craggy Island husbands cannot cook breakfast.
168. Priests cannot make tea.
169. There are mushroom fields in Co. Cavan.
170. Fr. Jack is indestructible.
171. Remote control wheelchairs are difficult to steer.
172. Corner flags are difficult to guard.
173. It is free to report a missing person.
174. Father Jack is in his mid-fifties to mid-eighties, has a tremendous smell of vegetables off him for some reason, angry man, very angry man, hates children, likes the odd drink and doesn't like being approached from behind.
175. Electric stunner gadgets may come in useful when going near Father Jack.
176. All holidays are 'like this'.
177. A missing whistle is a good reason to get a Garda helicopter in.
178. Mary has such soft hands.
179. She's writing a book about it!
180. The pope lives in an art gallery.
181. You do not need to be tall to be the pope.
182. Sometimes Craggy Island parochial house is "fine for coal" and other times they have to hibernate.
183. Career women are very aggressive.
184. "Weather News" is an annual publication.
185. Italians know about football.
186. Menopausal women on Craggy Island have a very efficient, multi-modal, instant messaging system.
187. Some drivers have a very literal interpretation of the "knock for knock" system.
Bump!
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You can teach Father JAck 2 sayings Yes and That would be an ecumenical matter! lol
share* Dont give Mrs Doyle a tea making machine as a present ...
* Never drink a whole bottle of dreamy sleepy nighty snoozy snooze
* Over 85 priests football matches arent that exiting
* Dont call Bishop Brennan by his first name and dont mention his son
or mistress in America !
193: Father noel REALLY likes Tony.
194: Reality is Dreams and Dreams are Reality and lots of rabbits love to bounce around.
195: Dougal has a ten second reaction time.
196: Don't park your wheelchair on the Magic Road.
197: Any gobs**te can get on the television.
198. They take the roads in on Craggy Island when its raining!
199. When getting your money from a post office, use a gun, its quicker tahn filling out the forms!
200!! The vatican is a bit strapped for cash!
Woo Hoo we did it folks, 200 and here is one for luck:
201 The show that gave us "FECK", best non swear word ever!
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I started this thread 1 year ago! I cant beleive its still going, honest, this is the 1st time Ive been on it since my last post, and I checked my first post to see when I started it and it's 23/12/2008! How weird is that? One year on and I'm still on the same thread, posting the same old stuff!!! anyway, lets carry on:
206. Gene Hackman plays a priest in The Posidon adventure, and he doesnt even say mass.
207 - Living with someone with waxy ears keeps you in candles
208 - Meals are at eleven, one, half-two, three, five, seven, and nine, and if you want a quick snack, you can just ask Mrs. Doyle there
209 - Some books contain 'wall to wall bastards"
Born and bred in New Zealand.....
210. Coventry and Ireland share the same anthem (This town is coming like ...)
share211. Ghost Town is not a sufficient record collection for a disco.
shareCan't believe I've only discovered this thread now! Have almost laughed vital parts of my anatomy off reading them all. Anyway, as you were...
212. Father Dougal likes a Pop Tart of a morning.
213. A naked man can cling to the bonnet of a car for a remarkably long time.
By the by, that particular bloke drinks in my local pub...
214. I think Fr. Jessup was being a little... sarcastic
215. Watching a corner flag requires a lot of concentration
216. Rugged Island is a leper colony
217. They were all lovely girls!
218. They lie in wait like wolves... the smell of blood in their nostrils... and then...
219. That's... caviar
220. Fr. Jack can chew through rope! Again...
221. There are about four Windy Shepherd-Hendersons...
222. ...one of them was with Father Daley in Chicago
223. Priests have an intuitive understanding of sheep
224. Men don't wear perfume.. except Father Bigley.
225. Ted is a big fan of Michael Barrymore
226. Ted and Dougal love Byker Grove.
227. The English Patient was Father Noel's kind of film: Very long and far-fetched and very, very boring.
228. If there's a fine or anything, Mrs. Doyle will pay for it.
229. If you pass a bra with a middle arch support, single padding and a white lace outline, then you're on the right track.
230. There aren't razors with handles long enough to reach that.. area.
231. The film "Stallion Farm" is not just about breeding racehorses.
share232. Ted RE-read William Shatner's "Tech Wars"
share233. When the beast yawns it sounds like Liam Neeson chasing a load of hens inside a barrell.
234. On Craggy Island you can buy a pack of 40,000 teabags.
235. It's been so long since you've seen it (The towering inferno) you've forgotten Steve McQueen was in it.
236. Father Austin Purcell knew a woman once and she died.
237. The entire population of a village in Nigeria once sailed to their deaths on a crocodile-infested lake to escape Father Austin Purcell.
238. Fr. Austin Purcell's would like to know if you like the sound of a man humming.
239. Priests are fans of Kraftwerk
240. The holy stone of clonrickert is a class 3 relic...but it might be once its removed..
Thats me for now!
I like these calm little moments before the storm. It reminds me of Beethoven. Can you hear it?