"When someone reveals who they are, believe them the first time." - General Discussion Discussion

[–] roger_dat (1562) 2 years ago

Ah that's bollocks, we've all said things we regret and made stupid first impressions to someone, besides, who stays the same forever? Times change, people change, circunstance changes, so does "who you really are"

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[–] michaelDclarke (1819) 2 years ago

It's been my experience that once someone is at least in their late 20s, they don't change. Personality is inherent.

I.e. if someone is flaky and unreliable, they will always be they way.

--Michael D. Clarke

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[–] roger_dat (1562) 2 years ago

That's like saying "can't teach an old dog new tricks" to a 20 year old. I know plenty of people that changes a whole lot especially after having kids

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[–] ClementinaSpur (1201) 2 years ago

Yes, it is true. So this begs the question why do people see what is revealed the first time, but they go back for seconds, thirds, and more? Do we not trust our intuition? Do we not want to seem rude? Do we believe that everybody will have a Hollywood style redemption who needs one? Do we selfishly want to be the reason for said redemption?

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[–] HarveyManFredSin (4877) 2 years ago

What's 'selfish' about believing in second chances and redemption?

People do change. I've seen it.

There's something rather arrogant and self-regarding in believing one is intrinsically right about someone and will always be thus.

That said, I do agree that our intuition is often correct, but once again, that *doesn't* mean people can't change/grow. Their intrinsic personalities may be the same, but many people do learn to shape their behaviour, especially if they've had a life-changing experience.

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[–] ClementinaSpur (1201) 2 years ago

What's 'selfish' about believing in second chances and redemption?

Nothing at all. The problem lies in sticking around and accepting mistreatment with the mistaken notion that by hanging in there long enough for the rough ride, the other person will change.

I do think people without personality disorders are capable of change, but my opinion has been informed by personality disordered people who do not change and destroy a long line of people in their paths.

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[–] HarveyManFredSin (4877) 2 years ago

It depends what you mean by 'sticking around.'

If the context is a marriage, of course an abused spouse *shouldn't* stick around to see if things will get better (although, I wouldn't judge anyone who did, and, suffice to say, some people have no other option *but* to 'stick around'). But if you're talking about friends/colleagues/acquaintances, I think it's possible to forgive someone without necessarily putting oneself through the wringer.

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[–] BeaSouth (3284) 2 years ago

Good and nuanced post.

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[–] Otter (24464) 2 years ago

I once told a guy at work that maybe his sense of humor could be a bit... sharp at times. He shrugged and told me "Yeah, I'm an asshole", and I believed him!

We actually got along perfectly well while we worked together, we both knew we weren't going to be BFFs so we kept it professional. It worked.

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[–] TheMan18 (13015) 2 years ago

Is it easy and possible to do so?

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