What if I don't want to, paradoxically, make up for my past mistakes?

I also hope NO ONE attacks me, beats me up, threatens to kill me, injured me etc etc etc for ANY of my past grievances, however "small" or "de-facto ultra serious" that mind you, we have ALL had. And that includes that kid who witnessed me say something lewd about me at school in 1998 and gave me hard time for it in 2001, other kids in similar examples, what I did wrong myself or even when I embarrassed myself by getting bullied, any of my internet activities etc etc etc...

Yeah, haha, I even asked (can you imagine that?) people NOT to beat me up if they see me in real life for those past moments haha. My face and mind might not take it at all.

Paradoxically, hell, maybe I in my own way have already experienced the worst life has to offer. Or done something seriously wrong myself even if in pure theory and out of whiny teenage angst like mental states and peer pressure related effects of reasons. And that means - I have no WORSE things to look forward to but BETTER ones. Yeah, people might not talk to me too much, I was never really very social and a peoples type of person though at times I WAS and hey, I am not that bad here. Point is - YES I CAN AND HAVE A RIGHT TO DO SO. :)

On the internet at times, it took me a long while to admit, even to myself (!), that often all I want is for people to calm me down, tell me I have nothing to worry about and move on, even with my past mistakes at times, as opposed to be constantly or even occasionally told what I can or cannot do because of "rules" and there being a "right thing" etc.

Plus, I didn't outright spell it out of course, but its not as if I simply ENJOYED following rules and taking myself too seriously at times. However, I, for one, as you have observed even HERE as well on several occasions, am not that good, to put it mildly and politely, at sorting out various conflicts that may come my way, for whatever reasons. And I often indeed tend to panic, revel in self pity, demand apology, ask folks not to take things TOO seriously etc and refuse to merely be told off and put in my place like that. But that's alright also folks.

And we all have to move on from it all some day. Look at it this way in a hundred years no one is going to care. :)

Pull my finger.

From what I can tell after reading only the first 60 words, you should just relax. Looks like you replied to yourself a few times. No need to read any of that.

Get therapy

That's what you need to do.

If you think it’s warranted in some cases, go ahead and do it. If you aware of someone that’s holding on to something from your past, you could try to reconcile with them. If they don’t want to, then you’re free to forget about it. Awkward forced apologies don’t always go well, sometimes the person gets pissed because you brought it back up. Let your actions around that person show who you are now. It sounds like counseling could be helpful for you.

Whether it's a good idea to make up for your past mistakes depends on whether or not you want to maintain good relations with the person you have offended or injured. NEVER assume that someone will forgive you for an offense or injury, not even someone who claims to love you, not even a family member. That is how you lose friends and lovers, and strain family relationships, and run out of people who are willing to let you live in a spare room.

As for offending total strangers or acquaintances you don't plan to make into friends... Well, I do it all the time, because it's fun! No worries there.

If you don't want to do it paradoxically, can you at least do it paroxysmically?