Things I Learned from Revenge
1. Hot chicks can work lollipops, and they know it.
2. Hot chicks know the value of a thong worn with a t-shirt.
3. Hot chicks that dress like strippers also dance like strippers.
4. Hot chicks that dress like strippers always wear gramma jewelry. Best place to hide drugs!
5. Hot chicks love LA because they can be seen how ever they want. Even if they don’t really know what they mean by that.
6. Rich, muscly businessmen with movie-star looks who are obviously self-centered pricks are actually loving married men with kids.
7. Rich guys with desert get-aways have pervy French friends who drop in unexpectedly wearing camo and carrying Mad Max big-game guns.
8. Why French?
9. If your pervy friend rapes your girlfriend, kill her.
10. Hot chicks always carry a lighter, even in the itsy bitsy-ist thong. I mean, what if your assailant needs a smoke?
11. You can survive falling a good distance and landing on your back after being impaled by a tree branch.
12. You can be unconscious with your eyes open.
13. You can drool upside down and not choke.
14. You can drool gallons of blood and not die.
15. You can escape from being impaled upside down on a tree by setting it on fire.
16. You can set said tree on fire and not get burned, not even your long hair hanging in it.
17. She was wearing a sports bra after all. Seriously disappointing.
18. Stress brings out one’s natural hair color.
19. You can run, crawl, drive a quad, and start a huge bonfire (thank gawd for that lighter) with a tree branch in your gut.
20. Caves are full of driftwood. Even in the desert!
21. A roaring bonfire will last all night with no one feeding it.
22. The best time to take Peyote is when you’re running from people trying to kill you.
23. Peyote kills pain. Her boyfriend said so.
24. Hot chicks know how to use advanced weaponry after doing Peyote. One of its many perks.
25. Stolen weaponry holsters worn by a 200 lb man will fit a 100 lb woman perfectly. And we can still see that fine, fine ass.
26. You can have a nightmare three times and wake up screaming three times before you will finally wake up.
27. A guy stabbed in the eye will look like something from Jaws when his friends find him.
28. You can be a man, running rampant and naked for fifteen minutes, but you won’t have to show your peen.
29. You can lose all your blood and play slip-n-slide. And you still don’t have to show your peen.