MovieChat Forums > Collateral Beauty (2016) Discussion > My 5 year old died. If you haven't lost ...

My 5 year old died. If you haven't lost a child you won't "get" it

posted 8 years ago by Jennifer1277
14 replies | jump to latest

So I saw the film yesterday and it brought out so many raw emotions. My 5 year old son passed away suddenly, 2 years ago. It was the worst day of my life. Other losses are nothing compared to the loss of a child; I've had other losses- my dad passed away tragically years ago, I've lost all grandparents etc. But losing my son about destroyed me...kids are not supposed to die before their parents.

Will Smith did an amazing job showing how traumatizing the loss of a child, how it can destroy your life. I am not the same person I was before. I still experience joy. I can smile and laugh. But there is an underlying sadness that's always. just. there. Another scene that was oh-so-realistic was the one when he's talking to "Death" on the subway, and starts listing all the "niceties" people say to try and make you feel better (such as "you now have an angel watching over you") that make you feel worse. I know people mean well, but please don't tell people such things, esp about their child.

I've been reading people criticizing the fact that Will Smith was "frowning the whole time" (well no sh*t, he's grieving!). It's been scientifically proven that the grief from losing a child is much greater and longer than any other loss. It truly is the worst loss there is. I am grateful for this film, I want people to see just how awful losing a child is and how it affects every single aspect of your life.

[–] theseekerbabe-73854 8 years ago

I am sorry for your loss. I miscarried at 19, lost a half-brother at 6 (he was 19, by coincidence...),lost all of my grandparents and 2 good friends, lost a cousin this summer, and I can't even wrap my mind around losing a 5-year-old. I don't think it was the best film in the world, but no, either nobody or few people really can really understands the pain unless it affects their personal, emotional life. Losing a child is a situation unlike any other.

[–] Jennifer1277 8 years ago

Thanks so much for your reply, theseekerbabe. I'm really so sorry for your losses as well. (((hugs)))

[–] gcarras 8 years ago

I'm sorry for your loss as well. I think almost all off us, whether we had, or lost a child, can sympathize with Will and Jennifer1277. You'd have to LACK A SOUL, I mean, to be HATEFUL about this flick. We who watched it all enjoyed it and it inspires us all...and losing a child IS TOTALLY painful, as the film conveyed to me, a son but never a father, and as I've said I hope you all have a better life.

Who knows? You might even get to adopt, at least, a loving child..maybe even I'll have a kid for the first time, a adopted one, and heaven knows I NEED one, even though living with my very healthy and loving mother, whom I get along with. I'd horribly hate to lose any kid I have..it's tragic.

And..as they say in the flick..we all have connections (true actually in every movie..)

"And that's SHOWBIZ--kid."-Roxie Hart.
PROFILE PIC:Courtney Thorne-Smith.
MAGIC=Sarah Silverman.

[–] ProsAndConsOfHitchiking 8 years ago

I'm so sorry for your loss. My sibling lost a 5 year a few years ago and the pain and grief is still there. It never goes away. It changes you.

I've not seen the movie. I wasn't planning to. I saw The Fault in Our Stars and it wrecked me for days. Sometimes books or films get it right. It appears Collateral Beauty does as well.

Thanks for your honest review. Again - so very sorry for your loss. I like to imagine all children lost to us are find each other in the afterlife and are embraced by a light and love immeasurable to human eyes. <3

[–] Jennifer1277 8 years ago

Thanks for your reply, prosandcons. I'm really sorry about your niece or nephew. :((( And big hugs to your sibling. You're so right- it truly does change you forever. I've had other losses (lost my dad tragically years ago to a morphine overdose), but they don't compare to the loss of my son...if the loss of my beloved dad was like a broken leg, the loss of my son was an amputation. It's pain taken to a whole 'nother level.
I had no idea about the movie, but my mother-in-law and sister-in-law saw it and told my husband and I we HAVE to see it, they felt it would be good for us to see it.
I totally believe in an afterlife too. xo

[–] gcarras 8 years ago

I neither have had nor have ever lost, yet perfectly commiserate with Will, and I still understand you, Jen (original poster) because ANYONE who has NOT lost a child can still, and shold sitll, imagine themselves in Will's place. Or a pet. I can sympathise. I've had two Dalmations, 1972-1990: Lady (1972-1976) and Lucky (1976-1990). Animals don't even have the speaking ability (and a PETA tyope I am not, just making an analogy), as a kid..and then therte's seeing kids dying, so I can understand..I've seen and wept and cheered the four times I've seen this.

PS Jennifer..very sorry for your loss..but anyone
's deaht is just as bad...MY dad for instance..and during the film's release BOTH Carrie Fisher and her mother Debbie Reynolds died, and I got really choked up (and even had to tell my mother, a big moment in my life..)

Anyhow, Jenny, very appreciative hearing your story. Thanks for sharing.What was your favorite part or suprise twist?

(last same for anyone reading....very odd story..what'd you think of the surprise identites at the end of the actors playing Ghosts a la Scrooge?)
"And that's SHOWBIZ--kid."-Roxie Hart.
PROFILE PIC:Courtney Thorne-Smith.
MAGIC=Sarah Silverman.

[–] Jennifer1277 8 years ago

Thanks for your reply, gcarras. I have to very gently reply to what you wrote about anyone's death being just as bad. This is not true. The death of one's child is truly the worst loss there is. There is a book about child loss called "The Worst Loss" that explains why. You expect your parents to die before you. Not your child. ESP not your 5 year old child. I lost my dad years ago to a morphine overdose. He was a wonderful, kind soul but struggled with addiction. I was extremely close to my dad and his death was devastating. I'm not saying other types of losses aren't devastating, just not to the degree of child loss. But as difficult as my dad's death was, it wasn't as soul-crushing as my son's death was. My dad got to live some 50-odd years. My son got 5... FIVE. And my little boy was so innocent. Like I said in an above post, if my dad's death was a broken bone, my son's death was an amputation. There is truly no. pain. like. it.

I loved the ending where it was hinted to the actors actually being real "angels" (for lack of a better word.) The part where Will Smith looks back and sees Death, Love and Time and then his wife looks back and doesn't see anything. Loved this! I know a lot of ppl on here saw that coming, but I def didn't lol.

[–] gcarras 8 years ago

As I mentioned, in my reply to your other post, jennifer1227, that this kind of movie does take a more happier person to sit through so they can symphasize without having the pain you went through, and can cheer at the end. As I've replied to you, as someone who lost a dog but not a child, my heart TOTALLY goes out to you. Hope you can get the emotional and, if neccesary, medical or therapeutic help you may need if so, so you can totally enjoy the movies and life again. God bless.

"And that's SHOWBIZ--kid."-Roxie Hart.
PROFILE PIC:Courtney Thorne-Smith.
MAGIC=Sarah Silverman.

[–] Jennifer1277 8 years ago

Thank you, gcarras.

[–] death-lord 8 years ago

A film should work without the context of events seperate of the film

This isn't a very good film and is quite deserving of all the a hit coming to it

[–] triplegrim 8 years ago

If this movie was just made for people who lost a child, I think it was bound to fail anyway.

Also, I think the thread statement pretty much sums up this film. It is preachy and self satisfied. It could be that people who lost children may like the film; but who are they to tell others that they dont "get it"?

I've never been divorced, gone to war or gambled on stocks, but I could get Kramer vs Kramer, Stalingrad and Wall Street just fine.

I found collateral beauty condecending towards grief, unlikely, and pseudo intellectual as well as quasi philosophical. Or was it the other way around?

With regards, and condolances, from someone who also suffered a loss, though I dont want to discuss it on an open IMDB board.

[–] Jennifer1277 8 years ago

triplegrim, you see, your reply is exactly what I meant by saying you don't get it if you haven't lost a child. You mentioned divorce...I've never been through divorce, and so I can truthfully say, No, I don't get it or understand what it's like. Watching a film about divorce gives me a little taste about what it might be like but I will never understand it unless I've been through it. And I'm sorry but no, you cannot understand what it is like to be in war by watching a film. Even watching a documentary about Syria and ISIS does not give you a full understanding of the horrors people go through, unless you are actually there and experience it yourself.
Condescending towards grief? Hardly. Again, maybe because you haven't lost a child you don't understand. Not all grief is the same. I lost my father, and it was rough. But the grief was not like losing my son. There is no comparison. It's something I could not have known before I lost my son. As a bereaved parent of a young child, I have felt and looked the way Will Smith did in my initial grief. I go to Compassionate Friends meetings (support groups for parents who have lost children) and 10 years later they cannot celebrate holidays, etc, their child's death has paralyzed them. These very same parents have also lost parents, friends, spouses (a lot in the group I go to are older, the children they lost were in their late teens or early 20's etc), and they all say no loss was as devastating as the loss of their child, no comparison. I say this only because I want to stress that the loss is so devastating that Will Smith's depiction of his grief is not at all exaggerated. 4 months out from losing my dad I was starting to feel normal again and except it....it's been 2 years since my little boy died and I'm still struggling.
I want to make it clear that I am NOT saying other types of losses don't hurt or aren't devastating. I'm only trying to say the loss of a child is so bad and so deep, that in my opinion as a bereaved parent, Will Smith's depiction of a bereaved parent is very accurate. Not all bereaved parents stay in that state as long as he did...some people cope better than others, as with any loss. But I have found in the last 2 years that this loss of a child is so profound that it affects parents' lives every single day, and it can be a real struggle. For anyone who wants to understand more, please check out the book "The Worst Loss: How Families Heal From the Death of a Child" by Barbara Rosof. And I say this not for me or my benefit, but for the millions of parents who have lost children...I want to be their voice.

[–] omoxus 8 years ago

@OP

Your post reminds me of something Madeline said to Howard when he said he was trying to "fix" himself. To paraphrase. You lost a child, you can't "fix" it. Each individual grieves in their own way. The best thing a outsider can do is be there for whatever they can reasonably do. "I know how you feel" is the last thing a (though well meaning) person can say.

I am the Alpha and the Omoxus The Omoxus and the Omega

[–] Jennifer1277 8 years ago

Thank you so much omoxus for your kind and compassionate post! That's exactly what they tell us at the Compassionate Friends meetings I go to, that we will never get over our child's death (we can't fix it). And thank you for pointing out that one of the worst things people can say is "I know how you feel." I would never say that to someone about anything, unless it was something I had actually been through myself. I've had friends divorce and I would never say "I know how you feel" just because I have had serious relationships end...that is NOT the same as divorce, it's just not. I just say "I'm so sorry" and let them know I am there for them.