I was so oblivious...

Nirvana was the soundtrack to my "coming of age," as through their music career, I moved from post-puberty to the age of majority. The age of sex, drugs, alcohol, and what felt like glorious freedom - free of any consequences.

During that surprisingly short time (it seemed so much longer - it would last forever), I read all the gossip, and the legitimate news headlines. I followed and sang, drove, and made love to all their tunes... I just didn't realize the gravity and seriousness of it all until I got a peek at how a life disintegrated before my eyes - be it self inflicted, or not; How you could witness in these clips how his body and mind literally withered and disappeared, until there was nothing left but those blue eyes, and that glorious voice.

I was so self absorbed at the time, I only cared how I felt about it. How I was shocked about the reality of mortality. I was pissed off that there wouldn't be any new material. I was angry for him being so selfish to leave me. Me me me - entertain me! Wow. I was a punk-ass dick, in retrospect.

Now, an old(er) man, I know the chaos and aftermath of self-destruction, and substance abuse. I've witnessed it. I've felt it's impact. Layne, Kurt. It's so hard to see archival materials with 20/20 hindsight. It's so obvious, shocking, stupid, and sad. What a waste of such blessed gifts. I now do not mourn selfishly for myself, but for the friends and family left in the wake of avoidable(?) tragedy.

I didn't lose an icon. Grunge, Punk, fans, music - they didn't lose an icon. A tangible, small group of very real people lost a friend, partner, family member, father. I'm very grateful they shared such personal materials with us all.