100 ways to give BTS a plot
Coz, let’s face it – it needs one. As it stands, Angelina mopes around on a banana lounge thingy on the veranda, and when she gets tired of that, lies on the bed, and when she gets tired of that has a dip on the bath or the shower. For someone who doesn’t move a muscle in the movie, she sure needs a lot of washing. And hubby goes down to the local cafe and gets quietly stonkered while gasbagging wid the crusty ole manager. That covers most of a two hour movie. No kidding.
Even the title is boring. Reminds me of the kind of essay title you'd be given in primary school. What's Angy's next film - "A Visit to Grandma's"? I wrote one on that topic at school. Here it is: "We went to visit grandma but she wasn't home".
I was waiting for Angelina to have a near life experience, but she doesn’t. She and hubby get to perve thru a hole in the wall on the young couple next door, who engage in the sort of sex which is invariably described as “very tastefully done”. It is too, no grinding or grappling here, no sweaty bouts, no brazen doggy style positions, it’s all like the kind of arty stuff you’d find on a perfume box cover as designed by some homosexual from Marie Claire.
She’s depressed, he’s depressed, they stay depressed for the whole film. I became depressed in empathy. So I came up with a whole new idea of interactive movie criticism. How could this barren bilge of beige bathwater be brightened up? There must be a hundred of ‘em. Lemme start wid a few:
1. Angelina looks thru the hole and sees man next door plotting to murder his wife, or her own hubby plotting to murder her, or summink like that.
2. Brad and Angelina look thru the hole one night and see THEMSELVES in the next room. They look at each other and see that they have become the couple next door, and the other couple have become them. It’s a time wormy wapper warper thingy thing. Lordy, does that put a spoke in the holiday festivities!
3. Angelina finds out she is preggers after all, but sees hubby conspiring with the Satanists next door to bring up her child as the real son of Satan! (Hey, that one could really work...)
4. Brad and Angy see couple next door skyping, and they get a big shock, coz they are talking to their boss on Mars. Especially shocking since Brad and Angy are working as spies for Neptune.
5. Brad and Angie make the hole bigger each day while the other couple are out, until they can both look thru at the same time. The other couple appear not to notice. Then they begin to kiss the other couple thru the hole. Then they begin to have sex thru the hole in various odd ways.
6. Brad is given head jobs thru the hole by the girl there, but it turns out that it is not the girl who is servicing him but her hubby. Oh, what a tantrum ensues! But then he gives in and asks for more.
Hey, you got some more ideas? Let's see them here. We can mail them to Angy so she has something to work on when they make a sequel to theis turkey.
I see things that never were and say WHAT THE..!.