John Prick stole my style

I invented gun-fu before they even named it. I'm the original John Wick on steroids, while John Prick "Keanu" stole my whole style.

That big dummy Keanu was still in high school picking his nose in history class when I was on the street rounding up the Mafioso.

We all know your name is fake "Keanu", word on the street is you're really called Bill Preston from Utah before you started selling ass on sunset strip to get your break. I heard his blow jobs are legendary.

Gus Van Sant even made a film about the Keanu story "My Own Private Iowa" when he lived on the street dishing out handies for money before his break. He was supposed to play himself in that movie, but he was that bad of an actor, Gus had River Phoenix play Keanu, while Keanu took his rightful place as side ass.

I've heard "Keanu's" perfect casting is to play an Ent from Lord of the Rings, but I don't know what that is, books ain't my thing.

His destiny is to be in a double act with Hacksaw Jim Duggan playing his 2x4. HO!