Disney is working on a new "Definitive Edition" of the original trilogy

So far I could only find details about the planned changes to Star Wars (1977):

1. Mark Hamill is to be replaced by a CGI girl named Mary S. Skywalker.

2. When Mary S. protests that she was planning to go into Tosche Station to pick up some power converters, Uncle Ben says, "Sorry, my bad," and hands her some spending money.

3. When Mary S. announces her desire to transmit her application to the academy this year, Uncle Ben is full of encouragement.

4. When the Sand People try to attack Mary S., she kicks all of their asses with ease, using the ancient martial art known as "Chick Fu". When Obi-Wan Kenobi shows up (Alec Guinness to be replaced by a CGI black man), she kicks his ass too, and then they both have a good laugh about the misunderstanding.

5. She makes it back home just as the storm troopers arrive, and kicks all of their asses, thus saving Uncle Owen and Aunt Beru from being burned to death. They encourage her to go help Obi-Wan get to Alderaan.

6. Mary S. uses the "Jedi mind trick" to get past the Mos Eisley storm troopers ("These aren't the droids you're looking for"). Obi-Wan says, "You'll have to teach me how to do that sometime."

7. In the Mos Eisley cantina, when the alien tries to give Mary S. a shove, she sweeps the leg, and then grabs Obi-Wan's lightsaber and cuts his arm off. Everyone cheers.

8. While Han is making his calculations for the jump to light speed, Mary S. gets impatient, pushes Han out of his seat, grabs the controls, does some spectacular maneuvers, and jumps to light speed. Han offers her a job.

9. When Mary S. goes to put the handcuffs on Chewbacca, he gives her a hug. Han says, "Chewie likes you."

10. Carrie Fisher is to be replaced, because it doesn't makes sense that a woman would ever need to be rescued. She is replaced by a CGI white male named Prince Valium.

11. While trapped in the "garbage masher", Mary S. "force pushes" the walls to stop them from closing in. The others ask her how she did that. She laughs and says, "I don't know!"

12. When Mary S. sees Darth Vader strike down Obi-Wan, she "force pulls" Obi-Wan's lightsaber into her hand, and flips out on Vader. She incapacitates him and then rejoins her friends, leaving him lying on the floor.

13. No one can make head nor tails of the Death Star plans, so they ask Mary S. for help. She spots the weakness immediately, and says, "I got this," and heads out in an X-wing alone.

14. After single handedly shooting down all the TIE fighters and the tower guns, the ghost of Obi-Wan tries to offer Mary S. some advice. She tells him to stop trying to hold her hand, and then sinks her proton torpedoes into the exhaust port with ease. Everyone cheers.