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Worst Movie of All Time (With Spoilers, If You Can Even Call Them That)

posted 9 years ago by tennispro4793
28 replies | jump to latest

There are some spoilers in this review, but based on the fact that nothing happens in this movie, are they really spoilers?

There is certainly a fine line between making an art film that is somewhat admirable and a nonsensical two-hour sequence of moving images. I wish I could have called this an art film even to some degree, but the fact of the matter is that beyond the first half hour (wherein Christian Bale's L.A. apartment shakes a la earthquake effect and then he just lies down on the ground outside), none of the shots of pool/ocean water or apparent advertisements for visiting Las Vegas, Los Angeles, nightclubs, and empty highways look impressive.

You almost never see Christian Bale's face dead-on; it's always way off to the side, and many times within the frame of a fisheye lens. He looks somehow more confused than the audience as he stares down nothingness and walks around for a very long time. He has relationships with Cate Blanchett, Natalie Portman (who is married to another man and after getting pregnant but not knowing who the baby's father is, she seemingly stops seeing Bale), a stripper (who he meets at...a strip club), and a model (who he meets at some pretentious mansion party). He somehow gathers the nerve to speak to this model, barely muffling out, "What is your name?" The fact that he is able to score with so many attractive women without knowing how to not look creepy or even speak out loud is mind-boggling. But alas, she or he dumps the other and Bale continues to look for his "pearl". Bale also has a brother who is for some reason super violent and keeps attacking Bale but since Bale's acting abilities in every movie ever are limited to staring and lightly smiling, he never retaliates or cares. And if that old guy in the movie is really their father, I couldn't see a resemblance and frankly didn't care about his scenes about nothing, either. Also, two guys rob Bale's apartment in one scene but it doesn't matter at all because Bale doesn't have valuable possessions and his life is worthless.

There are meaningless title cards that precede the excessively long sequences of blah, which might be 1% related to tarot cards. Bale does visit a tarot card expert early in the "movie", who has a card labeled "Knight of Cups" on her table, but of course this means nothing. Bale is apparently a screenwriter but based on the fact that he can't communicate in any form of expression, I think the reason the Hollywood executives are willing to pay him so much is because he is on some heavy drugs and is willing to offer them a good deal on them.

Is any of this review making sense to you? If you think it is, then you must be Terrence Malick—a 72-year-old hack who doesn't deserve my money for a cab ride back to the distant planet he miscalculated his route from, let alone this "movie". Believe me, I've seen a white shelf at an art gallery with nothing on it being sold for $2,000 and that is definitely more artful than this worse-than-The-Happening, decimating-to-society load of garbage. And now that I know I will never have to witness something so awful again, I can experience something that Malick listed as his final title card in the "movie": Freedom.

[–] Randm1 9 years ago

I'm interested to know, have you seen and/or liked 'Tree Of Life' or 'To The Wonder'?

[–] cold2005 9 years ago

Ive seen Tree of Life and thought it was OK, havent seen To The Wonder.

I see it this way, similar to what the OP said: There are films which dont make complete sense but rise to a higher art level and are enjoyable to watch, and then there are these films which are complete nonsense trying to be art, but fail.

Some films which rise to a higher level without becoming too ridiculous, in my opinion, are The Fountain (2006), Mulholland Drive (2001), of course Lost Highway (1997) needs to also be mentioned then. Even the films by Tarsem, The Cell (2000) and The Fall (2006), are works of "art" to me, but enjoyable films as well. I will also add Kubrick's 2001 Space Odyssey here. Now heres one which I enjoyed but most may not, Werner Herzog's The Wild Blue Yonder (2005). This is where it starts to go a bit far into the direction of "nonsense" but the imagery is still amazing. Knight of Cups even fails to do this because images of California deserts and beaches is not exactly art to me.

Oh and this just popped into my head as well, The New World (2005). A good example of a film with actual story, yet reaching for something higher at the same time. Heres the outro scene, if you dont mind some spoilers:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=xGmvfowkQlc

[–] Randm1 9 years ago

I get what you're saying completely. I am a HUGE Lynch fan, and get a lot crap about it. I really liked your explanation. I also tried to warn people going into Knight Of Cups; that it's a experiment. There was so script, all lines were improvised, etc etc. I have a soft side for the cinematographer; Emmanuel Lubezki (Children Of Men, Gravity, Birdman, Reality Bites, A Little Princess. Meet Joe Black, Sleepy Hollow, Y Tu Mama Tambien, Burn After Reading, then of course Tree Of Life and To The Wonder, and now The Revenant). I think I just don't HATE the movie with the *rage* that I feel like a lot of people are complaining about. It definitely was messy. Though I have to say, that I do understand Malick has always tried to do something different (he just didn't succeed in making it good, which is why I posted a thread warning people). 

*edit - the post was edited because my stupid hand pressed enter halfway through my post and had to come back and edit it lol. ❤

[–] cold2005 9 years ago

Oh ok, I didnt know that. I guess for an experiment its interesting enough. But I will always prefer a polished film, the vision of a great writer and director put on film. I also like Lynch quite a bit, up until his recent (Inland Empire) years, where I lost interest, it just got too weird and boring. And I even kind of liked Eraserhead, which is just bizarre. My favorite of his would be Twin Peaks, the show and film. It had that perfect blend of strange yet homely welcoming feel of the small mountain town. That has never been captured as well before or since. I kind of wish he would go back to that setting again somehow, a Twin Peaks reboot? No, no, heresy! Actually we did get Wayward Pines last year which was very similar and I thoroughly enjoyed it.

[–] Randm1 9 years ago

We are getting a season 3 of Twin Peaks though. It's a bit bittersweet though. With the recent death of the actress who played the log lady, and of Jack Nance passing away awhile ago. Though it looks like almost everyone else is on board, with Lynch directing all of the episodes, and they have starting shooting (I live near North Bend where they do the shooting, and I lived a few blocks over from 'Laura's house' which was shot in Everett, WA growing up, and during the shooting of FWWM), and I recently caught a few images of them shooting in Everett. So we'll have to see how this all pans out and how Showtime does with it.

 Rand
4 8 15 16 23 42

[–] cold2005 9 years ago

WHAT?!? Holy crap. I did not expect anything like that. What timing too, just as I was thinking about the show here which I hadnt done in years. I cant wait for it.
Does the area you live really have that small town feel to it as it did in the show in the early 90s? Its so great they captured that feeling in the show. Ive only experienced that in real life when I drove through British Columbia as a kid and went through small mountain towns in the Rockies up there, its a feeling like no other. Thats the same impression I got when watching Twin Peaks, one of the reasons I liked the show so much.

[–] Randm1 9 years ago

Here is an article on the coming back of season 3 of Twin Peaks. It was kind of a mess in the beginning as David Lynch and Showtime announced it. Then as a bit of time passed Lynch tweeted that Showtime and him couldn't come to an "understanding" and that he was bowing out. Which then all the actors (and fans) and about everyone else who had something invested in the show started talking about how they wanted nothing to do with it unless Lynch was involved and that he got the decision making *he* wanted (unlike what happened with ABC). He eventually returned, and all is well and they began production later last year.

http://deadline.com/2015/08/twin-peaks-production-start-premiere-date-showtime-1201497257/

The actual town of North Bend that Twin Peaks was majoritively shot in, honestly does have that small town feeling. The opening sequence of Snoqualmie Falls does in fact looks exactly like that and the town (which still has a simple feel to it) really is just a nice pretty town. I lived just about 20 miles out from it (probably as far as I am from Seattle is how far away from North Bend I am). When I was growing up they filmed parts of it (both the show and FWWM) literally within walking distance of my house... mind you again, I am a weird girl, and was a weird kid... and I was even into the IDEA of Lynch growing up (I was like 11 when FWWM was filming), my dad took me to watch them film at "Laura's house" which I have some recent photos from the end of last year of them starting filming (it looked like mostly location filming, but there were a couple actors and crew members around). I would agree that the more rural part of BC also has the same type of feel (which is why shows that are creep aka: early xfiles, supernatural, etc.) are filmed up in BC because of the lack of taxing and the fact that it can really pull looking like any part of the country depending on the time of year. So yeah... the answer to your question is that it totally does have the small town feel. Though I didn't live in the TOWN itself, I did visit quite often, and have taken many a fan friend there for filming location type tours. You can definitely still get the best damn coffee and cherry pie there 

 Rand
4 8 15 16 23 42

[–] cold2005 9 years ago

This is a good thing, for once the big company did not have their way and didnt mess with the original concept. But I wouldnt expect Lynch to be one who allows such things forced on him anyway. Im pretty excited for the show now, I wonder how or if they will link the story back to previous seasons. You always risk alienating a lot of the current viewers who have no idea about the old series. Its been what, over 20 years. They can also try the least used option in such cases, that is carefully recalling parts of what happened before in the new episodes, to fill in for the unaware viewers, but without making it seem like a recap. But any direction they go Im sure it will be great.

So it sounds like the filming locations for the show were not even that far from Seattle? Just like 40 miles? Wow what a difference that much distance makes from the big city to that middle of nowhere look. I remember my family driving through Washington once as a kid, but we must have stayed on the major highways because I dont recall much wilderness. I do remember Seattle, we stayed in quite a fancy hotel downtown, almost like a skyscraper hotel (not something we ever would normally do), but that created a nice impression of Seattle for me. I recall the cobblestone streets near the water/harbor as well (is there a harbor near downtown? this is all from memory as I was maybe 12 then), it all had a very distinct memorable look. But some day I should drive through the state myself.

[–] Randm1 9 years ago

Yeah, I mean filming locales are pretty close to Seattle. I mean it's still a bit away. But very cool. It's a beautiful area.

Then Twilight fans screwed it up for all of us, by coming to visit Forks, WA

[–] cold2005 9 years ago

Oh wow I didnt realize that was all the same cinematographer. Of the ones you mentioned I really liked Children of Men, Gravity, Meet Joe Black, Sleepy Hollow, and The Revenant trailer looks amazing. Kudos needs to be given to them because then its really not just the directors making these amazing films look the way they do, but they get all the credit anyway.

I just checked his credits and he also was cinematographer or director of photography on Lemony Snicket's A Series of Unfortunate Events (2004) which I liked, also Great Expectations (1998), Ali (2001). And The New World (2005) which I linked that youtube clip of above. Amazing guy really. I will be looking forward to movies he works on from now on.

[–] Randm1 9 years ago

Right? It's totally crazy how many people don't really know about Lubezki, since he is now an oscar winner 2 years in a row for Gravity and Birdman, and now that I have seen The Revenant... there is absolutely no WAY in the world that man could loose to anyone else. The cinematography in that movie is breathtaking. Filmed almost all in natural lighting. Filmed almost completely chronologically (until the weather wouldn't allow them too because it became dangerous). I remember he first caught my eye with Children Of Men, and I thought it was a travesty he didn't win the oscar for that. Though then I realized he lost to the people that did Pan's Labyrinth.... which..... is hard to argue with. Though he is AMAZING at what he does. I'm glad that I brought your attention to him, and I hope others see his talent. Not many DOP's get the credit they deserve. As you mentioned.

 Rand
4 8 15 16 23 42

[–] cold2005 9 years ago

Now that I think about it, I do recall at the Oscars him winning for Birdman, I just personally didnt really like that film. I do like most of what he does though. Im waiting to see the Revenant, these days I just usually wait for the HD online releases which come out on iTunes and other services quite early now. Weeks or sometimes even months before Bluray. So its not much waiting time after films come out in theaters before you can watch it in full HD on your home theater system. I am glad I watched certain films in theaters in the past which deserve the big screen. The original Matrix, that just wouldnt be the same on a HDTV. Or Children of Men for that matter. And of course Avatar was an experience.
So maybe its really worth seeing Revenant in a theater then? Ive just gotten used to waiting for an HD release to come out online lately.

[–] Randm1 9 years ago

*note: today I can NOT seem to win, I wrote a really long response and my computer froze . 

Anyway, I'll make this one shorter. I also saw The Revenant at home at first.... and I chose to see it in the theater after that BECAUSE the visuals were so stunning. I personally think the movie was phenomenal. It goes from this ethereal, whispy type of direction to down right punch you in the stomach type of feeling, and that's honestly just from the way it is filmed. The story itself is a simple one, not hard to process. Some may find it long, or not enough dialog. Though, I definitely loved it, the combination of Innaritu (director of Birdman, 21 Grams, Babel, Amores Perros, and Biutiful) and DOP Lubezki made for some serious amazing stuff. Though I will say that it really comes down to HOW important seeing visuals so stunning are to you, and whether its worth it if you may find the movie a bit of a downer (some don't like sad movies, I actually like bleak... but I'm a weird girl). So maybe watching it at home with your home theater system like I did, then deciding might also be the right choice for you. It definitely did not disappoint for me, and I'll be shell shocked if Lubezki doesn't win for best cinematography and I'm pretty sure that Leo will take it for best actor (now.... for best picture..... idk..... though I thought Birdman wouldn't win... so we'll have to see). Hope you enjoy it either way though 

 Rand
4 8 15 16 23 42

[–] cold2005 9 years ago

I do like visceral nature type films, I cant recall any off the top of my head now but there have been a few where its man vs nature and brutal survival. Whether its just the elements, or also dangers like bears. Sounds like this film has that done to perfection. So if you saw a version already then it has to be one of those CAM leaked ones, I dont think anything better is already out (the film is still too new). I try to avoid those because usually theyre too low quality, the CAM and TS ones too. I generally wait at least for a WEBDL HD one, but once in a while you get an early Bluray surprise on the net, even before any WEBDL release. Like when some early Russian Bluray pops up and it has full english audio. Cant ask for better.
Although I wouldnt bet on anything like that happening with such a big title as this. I should support the movie industry by going to theaters more often, its just out of sheer laziness I dont ;p
That and already paying a nearly $120/month internet bill so I can download shows and movies at insane speeds (I also game online a lot). I dont even connect TV with my plan because it would cost even more, and I can almost just as quickly download and watch my shows (and more conveniently because on a DVR you'd still have to fast-forward through the commercials). Yeah, technically its all not "legal", but, see if I care ;]

[–] Randm1 9 years ago

Actually because it's Oscar season, this is when screeners that are being sent from studios to Oscar jurors. They then get sneaked to someone who leaks them. Hence Tarantino being really pissed Hateful Eight leaked 2 weeks before it's release date (same with The Revenant). The leaker uploaded 15 (of the 40 screeners he claimed to have). They included heavy weight conservative globe and most likely Oscar nominees; Spotlight, Joy, Steve Jobs, Anomalisa, Danish Girl, Trumbo, Spectre, etc etc. So there are super good quality screeners out right or so I've heard.

[–] bryggreen 9 years ago

You simply do not get the lifestyle.

[–] webmaster-1100 9 years ago

I think The Tree of Life is probably the worst movie of all time. After watching this, I think they should split that title.

[–] lordDEMAXUS 9 years ago

you hate art movies so fair enough but tree of life, objectively is great. you like trash like superman 2 and ghostbusters so i get why you dont like philosophical movies like tree of life,youth and seven samurai.

[–] roell29 9 years ago

It put me into a deep sleep and I've been having trouble sleeping lately, so I'll say that much for it.

[–] enigma-lake 9 years ago

Tennis. Now there's a mundane sport.

At least the movie made you feel something. Even if it seems to be hate. I knew you didn't get it when you mentioned bale scoring women yet being how he is. At one point in my life I didn't even have to try. It just happens dozens and dozens.
The great thing is you can't spoiler this film. It doesn't rely on that.

[–] Penisinfurs46 9 years ago

Hilarious how many times you point out how lost Bale seems, staring into nothingness, incapable of communicating anything etc as if only you have noticed those things and that they weren't put there by the film-maker. You seem to understand the film quite well yet are completely oblivious to it. You are Bale.

"All I want, is to enter my hoes justified"

[–] shredder08 9 years ago

The people in his movies often wander around. That doesn't count toward narrative, or lack thereof. It's a lazy explanation at best.

[–] Penisinfurs46 9 years ago

The people in Spielberg films often encounter aliens also. The people in Kubrick films often stare at things off camera. The people in Micheal Bay films often are whip panned into obscurity. Guess they don't count either? Over 40 years of philosophical searching in Malick's films are a lazy explanation? clown.

"All I want, is to enter my hoes justified"

[–] rsmith1960 9 years ago

Between watching this movie & watching paint dry, choose the paint!

[–] vhug-13639 9 years ago

"Everything I can't comprehend is stupid" - the post.

The thing is, it bothered you enough to come knock out a couple of hundred words about it. When I watch the typical Hollywood brain melt I don't review it or waste additional seconds, let alone minutes, voicing my opinion on it when I already wasted 90 minutes of my life on it.

So you're discomforted by your own lack of comprehension at some level. You sense probings at some level of life you've become distanced from. You're so engaged with meaningless, dopamine generating spectacle that your nervous system goes into shock when it is asked to do nothing but watch. Given what this movie is about there's some serious irony in all of this.

You hate Rick, but Rick is you, me, all of us. Malick held a mirror up to the vacuousness of modern life, estranged from nature, all spectacle with no substance. But if you really watch, as the movie progresses it begins to provide glimpses of freedom and enlightenment, but they are subtle, if they weren't they wouldn't be those things.

Just on a technical note on the tarot, you have no clue what you are talking about. Rick's character exemplifies the Knight of Cups, both reversed and upright (changing as the movie progresses), the film itself is a representation of the Knight of Cups.

"The Knight of the Cups often appears as a messenger, an invitation or the arrival of someone or something with an emotional benefit. He offers an interesting invitation, which will result in an emotional experience that will bring high energy and lift you to an exhilarating state as new situations appear from nowhere. In addition to the physical sources of information, the Knight of Cups can also represent wisdom that comes from your dreams and that helps you to surmount life’s obstacles. "

Unfortunately it's just human nature to drag everything one finds down to the level of one's comprehension, and then to see that as a reflection of the thing you compromised rather than your own state of spiritual, intellectual and psychological degradation.

[–] augurae 9 years ago

Just STFU. Fùcking STFU. You're a stupid tasteless *beep* you should have no right to express your opinion so much you're stupid and you display it in large in you topic. You don't understand the movie, then you don't comment on it, it's as simple as that.

YOU don't understand, then the burden of understanding, culture and intelligence is on you, don't go on about how "title cards are meaningless" or this movie is boring when all you are saying is "hey I'm stupid *beep* who didn't understand the movie and I'm telling it to you".