Great jokes from the evening--

MacFarlane: ”He’s the reason a dick with cocaine on it is called a Sheenis.”

Walsh to Sheen: “Despite all those years of abusing your lungs, your kidneys, your liver… the only thing you’ve had removed is your kids.”

Jeff Ross: ”Friends, roasters, enablers… lend Mike Tyson your ears.”

Ross: “This lineup is so pathetic, I was hoping I’d get replaced by Ashton Kutcher.”

Ross: ”Charlie’s nostrils are so snotty and full of coke he calls them the Hilton sisters.”

Ross: ”Charlie Sheen is to stand-up what Larry Flynt is to standing up.”

Ross: to Sheen: ”If you’re winning this must not be a child custody hearing. The only time your kids get to see you is in re-runs. Don’t you want to live to see their first 12 steps?”

Ross: “Anthony Jeselnik, some people are saying you’re the next Greg Giraldo. Let’s hope so.”

MacFarlane introducing Mike Tyson: “He’s a guy who’s beaten every opponent he’s gone against — except the letter S.”

Jeselnik: to Sheen: ”The only reason you got on TV in the first place is because God hates Michael J. Fox.”

Jeselnik to Sheen: ”Every minute of your life looks like the first two minutes of SVU.”

Amy Schumer to Sheen: ”There’s no denying how famous you are. It was international news when you ruined the lives of those two girls living with you, your daughters.”

Schumer to Sheen: “You’re just like Bruce Willis — you were big in the ’80s, and now your old slot is being filled by Ashton Kutcher.”

Shatner, referencing an auction where he sold a kidney stone for $75,000: “I synthesized uric acid and calcium inside my bladder and turned it into a house for Habitat for Humanity. Who’s the warlock now, bitch?”

Schumer to Patrice ONeal. (paraphrased)”Tyson, your face is so wrinkled and pounded by dudes it looks like Patrice’s grandma after Sunday Brunch… I’m sorry I just assume she raised you”

Losing track of my references now:

“You look like you deep fry your hands before you bite your fingernails.”

“Perhaps the reason Charlie is so dumb is because he dropped out of school faster than Casey Anthony’s daughter”

the line about Seth MacFarlane hosting for the third time because we all know Seth MacFarlane repeats the *beep* out of everything?

Schumer’s line that the roast was also a goodbye party for Patrice O’neil’s foot (on account of the diabetes).

Mike Tyson’s joke about Seth MacFarlane. “I’ve been reading the Illiad lately, I’ve been taking a lot of inspiration from it. Glad to see Seth’s copying Homer too.”

“You know what you don’t hear a lot? Not enough black people here”
-Jeselnik to Patrice.

I thought Patrice got a few good comebacks. I don't think he expected the jokes to be quite that severe, but he recovered OK, and rebutted nicely. Too bad I have a memory like a sieve.

Please add more that I may have forgotten.

Damion Crowley
All complaints about my post go to Helen Waite.