why sandy doesnt leave
Confusion. One day he worships her and places her on a pedestal. The next day she doesn't meet his expectations and falls from grace. It is a long fall, and she can't understand why he has changed from a loving, generous husband into a maniacal bully who delights in punishing her. A day or two later, he places her back on the pedestal and turns on the charm. This emotional up-and-down strategy keeps her off-balance and in a state of confusion.
FEAR! She has every reason to be afraid. He has threatened to take the children away from her if she leaves, and she knows he will do it. He will lie in court and testify that she is not a good mother. If he does not get custody, he will kidnap them. In extreme cases, he will kill her and the children. "If I can't have you and the kids, then I'll make sure no one else will either."
She also fears the condescending and judgmental reactions of others who believe she is responsible for breaking up the family if she leaves. She may also fear offending God because she has been taught He hates divorce, and she is unaware that God also hates violence, and has great compassion toward those who suffer abuse.
Self-blame. She may feel responsible for the breakup of the family, or for the abuser's behavior. He has told her over and over that she is the reason he gets upset, and she believes the lie.
Shame and embarrassment. She doesn't want to tell anyone because it is embarrassing to admit she has allowed herself to get into or stay in this situation. She is ashamed of making poor decisions, and failing to make her marriage work.
Need to protect abuser. Some women feel guilty for betraying the abuser. She believes he needs extra love and care because he has been wounded in the past. She feels it is her responsibility to help him become whole.
Disassociation from the pain. The abuser convinces her that the violence wasn't as bad as she claims, or that it didn't happen at all. Sometimes he accuses her of hitting him, even though she is the one with the bruises. Her body feels the pain, and she knows she has been hurt, but her mind tells her it really wasn't that bad — ignore it — he won't do it again — he promised to change — or if "I" could just change.
She denies the reality that the man she loves is capable of seriously hurting or killing her. Even though she knows he has hurt her in the past, she cannot believe he is truly an evil person because she would not choose to be with such a person, and she still really loves him.
It's easier to deny abuse than to face making hard choices and an uncertain future. Most women face extreme financial, social, and emotional hardships when they leave and often find limited or no help available to them. Weak criminal justice systems offer no hope and have failed victims again and again.
She is ignorant of the facts and consequences of domestic violence. She believes the cause of violence is within her instead of within the abuser. She believes it is a temporary problem based on outside circumstances (like stress at work). She believes that once the stress is relieved the beatings will stop, or "If I lose weight, he'll love me more."
She believes children need a father-figure, and doesn't want her kids to suffer from divorce. Women who stay for this reason are not aware that children suffer much more long-lasting trauma by being in an abusive home than in a single-parent home.
She is blamed for causing or not leaving her predicament, but abandoned when she actually leaves. Doctors, therapists and clergymen don't take the abuse seriously and send women back home. Some feel she got herself into this while others ask "why doesn't she just leave?"
She lives on false hope. She believes that if she tries a little harder or waits a little longer, things will change.
She may get killed! A woman is at 75% greater risk of harm from her abuser when she leaves.