Things We Learned From Watching Barbarian

5. When trying to warn someone about a crazy women living in a house, never scream at them like a madman.

7. Inbreeding makes strong humans but bad milk.

8. When quickly escaping from someone or something in a dark scary tunnel, it’s best to crawl on your hands and knees.

9. Despite everything we learned about mass not affecting the rate at which things fall, inbred people do indeed fall faster than traditional humans.

10. If you find what looks like a torture/rape room in your air BnB and there's a camera set up on a tripod, checking the camera to see if there's a viewable tape in it would not make a lick of sense.

#. If you have just escaped from a kidnapper make sure you don't give the police your story of why you are there, or your name, or anything else that might help your situation

12. Always rent a house (sight unseen) before driving cross-country to an unfamiliar city for a job interview…not a job, just an interview for one. Hotel rooms, why bother, right?

13. Medical conventions are HUGE, they have so many attendees they take up every hotel, motel, boarding house, hostel, park bench in a city the size of…oh, say Detroit.

14. When checking for vacancies, make one call then give up. And forget checking outside the city limits of where you’re staying.

15. When telling someone “ooh that’s a really bad area” don’t insist on finding them better lodgings. It’s their funeral, right?

16. When a door locks behind you in a furnished basement area, don’t look for tools or a way out the window you can easily crawl through. Build a makeshift spotlight to look into the sinister hallway you’ve conveniently discovered.

17. Tape measures come in handy 1,000 yard sizes that look just like standard 12’ long ones.

18. Small houses in abandoned neighborhoods sell upwards of $140-K and more. Enough to pay for an alleged rapists’ legal bills, for example.

19. When in a situation that requires getting away quick w/ lots of escape options, climbing a water tower is your best bet.

20. Always insist on seeing what’s frightened the hell out of someone. You didn’t see it; maybe it was just a pink teddy bear and not a mutilating, violent monster after all.

21. Inbreeding not only makes you deformed, but it can also make you grow super duper tall with superhuman strength.

22. When you discover that the Airbnb that you booked is already occupied by some stranger that you've never met before, be sure to go inside and stay the night and not hop back into your vehicle and hightail it out of there.

23. When you're 40 years old and have lived in the same house your whole life, someone can still think you're a copy of a copy of a copy.

24. If your neighborhood is bad enough, no one will notice if you excavate a basement the size of subway system.

25. If you're listing a short term rental on two booking sites because it is so hard to rent, make sure they don't both book it on the same night.

* AirBnB located in dystopian ghetto section of Detroit gets bookings by arts professionals, and is owned by a Hollywood celebrity.
* Medical convention can completely deplete Detroit of hotel rooms.
* A woman will share an AirBnB with a strange man if he shows her his ID.
* Make sure to store all toilet paper in the basement and not leave any extra rolls in the bathroom. And don't tell renters that the toilet paper is in the basement.
* No one fixes a basement door that locks you (and apparently other renters) into the basement, but monster lady can unlock that same door every night.
* Secret tunnel door allows people outside the tunnel to unlock it, when only those inside the tunnel need to use that door.
* Homeless man knows everything about the tunnel danger but tells no one until the plot requires it.
* Detroit can run out of police. Detroit police won't investigate a suspected killer if no one answers the door.
* A single man can excavate a complex tunnel system under several Detroit homes without anyone noticing.
* A 40 year old incest mutation kid can be born from parents who aren't even related.
* The homes on your street will lose their expansive front lawns sometime between the 1980's and 2022, and all homes on that block will be shifted closer to the street.
* If something in a dark tunnel bites you, be sure to insist on going deeper into that tunnel instead of escaping.
* A mutant can hunt people and food on Detroit streets at night without anyone noticing.
* A young woman can go missing for two weeks and nobody will look for her. Apparently Tess didn't tell anyone back home where she was staying in Detroit.
* Save yourself by predicting that a monster will choose to chase gravity instead of going after you for killing her baby.