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At what point does asking your partner to lose weight become disrespectf

posted 8 years ago by starduss_ala
11 replies | jump to latest

I've never been in the situation and anyone I know that has acts scared to death to bring it up. I don't get why. I'm sure the person knows they're fat so it won't be a shock. I'm sure the spouse knows you love them. Also, if it's suggested in a non critical way over and over, is it ok to get a little pissed about it when nothing happens??? I mean I'm just trying to picture how it works. I know relationships have ended over things like mild drug use, can you get fed up with a partner that's just getting bigger and not look like the bad guy???

I'm wondering what happens when after a few years the fed up person finally respectively says "I'm no longer sexually attracted to you." Now I know you can love someone unconditionally but I don't think we're in control of what we find sexually attractive. I know there are many sexless marriages out there but who really wants to live that way??? It's not really fair to either person. Is it ok to demand that your fat parter lose weight???

[–] mystolibaby 8 years ago

I agree with you!!!!

I know couple that the wife LOST a great deal of weight... and the husband wasn't attracted to her....he liked a big girl.

a few pounds over the years lost or gained is no big deal. BUT when you look like a different person, you are not what the person was attracted to in the first place.

----THIS DOES NOT INCLUDE MEDICAL REASONS FOR GAIN/LOSS ----

[–] Stirchley 8 years ago

The main problem is asking someone else to change. I believe that change has to come from within. There are many people who are resistant to making any kind of change, let alone changes that someone else has asked them to make. In these cases people often do the opposite of what the other person is asking simply to assert their own will.

[–] babz12 8 years ago

Hmmm, good question. I guess it would depend on how one went about it. If one notices their partner gaining quite a bit of weight, maybe ask them if they're okay or what's going on as weight gain can be from physical or mental health issues. I don't think telling someone you're no longer attracted to them because they're gaining weight is a great idea, because then it just feels like an attack and isn't really helpful. Instead, work together to figure out the cause behind the weight gain, and if it's something like just eating bad and not exercising, work together in eating better and working out.

Most people don't gain massive amounts of weight overnight, so I think couples are capable of working on stopping any more weight gain before it becomes unattractive to them. If you're partner doesn't want to help you and isn't encouraging in the least, but berates you for your weight, maybe it's best not to be together anyway.

But I don't think pointing out how your partner with a weight problem is eating something bad is terrible. Like I don't think Tyler has said anything too horrible to Catelynn, but he could definitely work with her more. He should try eating better around her and offer to go on walks with her.

[–] 8 years ago

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[–] KaidtheShiz 8 years ago

I don't know how true that is. I think Tyler has gained a little weight this season too. Obviously not as much as Catelynn but still. The problem is that they are the kind of people that like to complain about everything but do nothing to help the situation.

There are friends that I have that are the same way. They will complain about their weight but they don't try to eat any better or exercise at all.

[–] MadameRoyale 8 years ago

I think this is the best response to this issue. I certainly don't think telling someone your not sexually attracted to them anymore is good idea. First of all, the person is probably well aware of their weight and the thought that their partner isn't attracted to them would be something that has already crossed their mind. It also shouldn't be the main reason why someone should lost weight. If it's brought up because of health issues that's one thing but telling a woman in particular that her weight makes them "sexually unattractive" would most likely have lasting consequences even if the weight is lost. I've been with my significant other for 15 years and I certainly don't look the same way I did when I was 17 (and neither does he!) but if he were to tell me my weight makes me sexually unattractive to him, I would never forget that. If he told me he was concerned about my health because of my weight, I'd see it as coming from a place of love, not something as shallow as looks.

[–] Brookiee124 8 years ago

"In sickness and in health..."

I would never divorce over it.

You can't "demand" your partner to do anything. That will just build resentment on both sides. Most likely if you notice your partner is fat, then your partner already knows they're fat and know they have a problem. Being overweight sucks and it sucks even more when someone you love points it out because its shameful and embarrassing enough...

[–] starduss_ala 8 years ago

You can give ultimatums. Like for instance if she was drinking all the time, he could demand she stopped drinking or its over. Looking better is not the only reason Cait needs to lose weight. It isn't healthy. She's probably obese.

[–] piggytoes123 8 years ago

Ultimatums don't work, especially not in a committed relationship like marriage. It's just cruel to do that over something such as weight. I don't think someone should ever put the idea in their partner's head that they will leave them, it just creates insecurity and makes them lose trust. It's cruel. I can see it if someone develops a drug problem or cheated but they want to work it out...but weight gain? No. People physically change over years and decades -weight fluctuations, hair loss, wrinkles, illnesses. It's life but if you love someone you don't threaten to leave over it.

Tyler should involve himself in the health of his family instead of just pointing his finger at Catelynn while he's shoving a deep dish pizza in his face. He can learn to cook some healthy meals or go for walks with Catelynn and Nova after dinner or find other activities to do.

[–] Brookiee124 8 years ago

Lol you can't give ultimatums. Sure maybe for drugs or cheating. But for someone's weight?? No. Maybe if they were 600 lbs but not someone Catelynn's size.

[–] khary-2 8 years ago

It's rarely JUST the weight though. Unless you have an underlying medical issue, major weight changes are a sign of something else. I could see that breaking up with someone over weight gain is an *beep* thing to do, but what about everything else that caused the weight gain. Maybe they're eating to hide their feelings, maybe they used to run 5 miles a day and now they just sit on the couch drinking beer and watching Netflix. I could see where that would be an issue, because then the person changed, not just physically but they just are not the same person anymore. It can be mental illness like in Catelyn's case. However too, not everyone is able to take care of a depressed or anxious person without hurting their own mental health. In the case of Tyler and Catelyn (not that we really SEE what is going on, only the few hours they're in front of a camera) I think the depression is probably more of an issue with the weight just being one small symptom of that. The staying in bed all day and not giving a *beep* probably bothers him a lot more. (Disclosure, I have OCD and ADHD, so do my kids (they hit the genetics lottery!) I've had years where I gained weight and was probably hard to live with. We did counselling and came through stronger. That was BEFORE we had kids though. After kids... I don't know. I'm not sure that it's better to have the kid raised around arguing, bitter parents. Example Leah is better off with Gary and her mom separated, they were horrible together. If they were still together and Amber was beating on Gary etc, how different that poor girl would be right now.