You're my first, you're my last, you're my evil thing!

This movie does not live up to its Netflix description: it is not well-executed, it builds no tension, and offers no terrifying scares. Most bad horror movies are bad in the same ways -- poor acting, gaping plot holes, cheap jump scares, tired horror movie tropes, and a reliance on gore.

Evil Things is unique in its badness. Although there are some of the usual horror tropes used effectively in other movies, the use here is so mundane the characters horrified reactions make no sense. Most of the movie is eaves-dropping on what sounds like improvised, mundane dialog from the most boring college students you have met on the lamest road trip ever. 20 minutes into the movie, I wanted these characters to die bloody, and I felt cheated the movie did not deliver this resolution.

The horror elements are so inept and few, I wonder if the film was meant as a subtle parody of "found footage" films. The most laughable thing was trying to tie in the film title with some nonsensical poem appearing on the screen at the end. We get dumb things. We get boring things. Alas, we get no evil things. Unless the director made a bad film on purpose, in which he is the evil thing, and the real victims are the audience.