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100 Things I Learned From 'The Final' (Spoilers)

posted 14 years ago by charliemanner
22 replies | jump to latest

It is really simple. I start, you continue.

1. If you are morbidly disfigured, do not phone for take-out, go out in public to a family diner and freak out whne everyone stares at you.

2. Cops smoke the pot they confiscate.

3. The cool black guy (who is obviously into hiphop) always saves the day.

4. Do not accept facials from your classmates.

5. Cut off your friends fingers before he cuts yours off.

6. If you are an adult, make sure you never reveal your face to the camera. Hide behind a newspaper, always face the chalkboard, obsure your face with a flashlight or only show your legs.

7. If you see a guy in the mens' bathroom with a video camera, it's not what you think...he's just cleaning it...the camera...

8. Macho bullies are secrectly gay (sailor and roman and half naked afro guy costumes).

9. Do not accept accupuncture from your classmates.

10. For girls: You can cheat with a guy who is dating a Russian girl - she deserves it.

11. For guys: If you have a Russian girlfriend, cheat on her and then leave her with the killers to look for help - she deserves it.

12. Pay attention in biology class...something to do with the spinal cord.

13. Gay sailors must hold their tongue.

14. Guys in gas masks are sexy.

15. Do not throw your friend the key or you will die.

16. Never drink the Kool-Aid.

17. When you black out and then wake up chained to your friends, instead of being frightend, comment on how kinky it is.

18. Slutty gilrs who dress like cops will suffer.

19. Indians are not Afghani terrorists.

20. Give that goth girl a chance, you might like her.

21. It is always fitting to play the banjo while torturing someone.

22. Police cars in small towns have not been upgraded since 1986.

23. Do not leave your fate in God's hands.

24. The cage works better.

25. If you are captured by an old white man, tell him that your grandfather was in the Vietnam War.

26. If number 25 doesn't work, tell him that your father was f#*!ed up in Desert Storm.

27. If 25 and 26 don't work, only then should you tell the truth.

[–] ScreamQueen17 14 years ago

28. Have 3 of your friends dress in costumes just like you so the cops can't figure out who is who when it's over. (including some of the audience)

29. Watching horror films can teach you how to torture people.

30. Lunchrooms are always packed.

31. If you throw a private party but you don't want anyone to know where it is, have them meet at the local saw mill and drive them there yourself.

[–] bbramsen 14 years ago

32. If someone picked on you in high school, it's perfectly acceptable to torture and maim them in return. You made fun of me and beat me up? I'll slice your spinal chord, fair trade.

33. The girl in school that gets picked on will always be more attractive than half of the "hot" girls at the party. Pigtails will be used to "ugly her up", other-wise called the "She's All That" procedure.

[–] princeofnewyork 14 years ago

33. The girl in school that gets picked on will always be more attractive than half of the "hot" girls at the party. Pigtails will be used to "ugly her up", other-wise called the "She's All That" procedure.

I disagree with your #33. Although she wasn't ugly, she and the other girls were pretty average. I felt she look like a Kristen Stewart look-like, but I enjoy her acting much more.

[–] libra113 11 years ago

Funny you should say that, during the out door fire scene I was convinced it WAS her. :)

http://dawnofthedeadfanfiction.bravehost.com/index.html

[–] TheEricle 14 years ago

35. Don't be afraid to offer a ride to random kids in the rain, because otherwise they'll cut out your tongue.

36. You'll regret not saving kids

37. It's common practice to stab your friend in the heart if they let someone go.

38. Don't let outcasts communicate with each other. That can only lead to blood orgies with disgusting amounts of hypocritical self righteousness

39. Highschool is tough. You either get made fun of, or you get your face melted off.

40. Motorcycles are cool

41. Don't cut off my fingers!

42. There are more of them out there

[–] zanzasan 14 years ago

43. Nobody has EVER seen a single horror movie or is skeptical at all. If your torturers say you can leave to get help, there is no catch at all. You'll be fine.

44. Just a few scenes of mild bullying is enough to make anyone sympathize with the main characters.

45. In a party where most of the people have no masks on, no one thought it was weird that a group of people (whom none of them really paid attention to) not only had masks on but didn't interact with any of them.

46. When you plan to not live through the night, continue to disguise your voice and face until prompted repeatedly. Gotta keep up the mystery!

47. Invite a bunch of people to torture, but you can leave the rest of them virtually untouched. Just get the mean ones.

48. If you watch this or any horror movie, always rely on the first officer you see after narrowly escaping. They will NEVER die immediately after trying to calm you down.

49. After demanding to see the face of someone who is doing harm to you, it helps to not even remember his name. Especially after you just messed with him in the same week.

"travis was too thin for the nipplebullets to hit him.
so travis just sliced him" - REfan33

[–] hilljohn53-872-936361 14 years ago

50. If you are watching this movie on television, you can pretty much figure out the bleeped out words..

[–] famous510 14 years ago

51. If given the chance, cut off your friend's fingers, because if you don't, he will gladly cut off yours to save himself.

52. If you have a suicide pact, make sure everyone dies, don't leave one guy left to fend for himself.

[–] the_green_ajah 14 years ago

53. If the kid with the knife says that you were nice to him one time and that's why you were spared, KEEP YOUR MOUTH SHUT!

[–] antigraviton 14 years ago

53. At the first house you find while trying to get help, the occupant will completely ignore everything you say, knock you out, and tie you up just long enough to prevent you from saving the day.

54. A conspiracy to drug, imprison, and torture dozens of high school students will not be discovered until after the plan has been carried out.

55. An open milk carton hurled through the air will retain its milk until it strikes a lunchroom table, whereupon it will splatter milk all over, drenching the closest notebook.

G-

==

*Clean* food, please.

[–] jabberttp 14 years ago

56. If you really want to get the police to come in a small Texas town don't say there's nerds killing bullies but black people (using a derogatory term) robbing the place.

[–] rog-63 11 years ago

56. You can knock a kid out easily with a blow to the back of the head from your shotgun. Without any lasting effects.

57. The drugs you put in the punch will be consumed by 100% of your party guests and work a rate that puts all of them to sleep at roughly the same time regardless of amount consumed, natural tolerance, body weight etc.

58. All of the drugged guests will wake up refreshed and alert at roughly the same time after only being out long enough to be chained up.

59. When the killer puts his gun down across your lap to take off his gas mask, one should never, ever grab it and start shooting.

60. When handed sharp shears by a psychotic trying to get you to torture your friends, never ever think to stab her in the throat with them.

61. If you are going to steal from the Audition, one should have the decency to write in the "Kirikirikirikiri" sound.

62. If you are going to steal from Stephen King, make sure it's a Richard Bachman story you are ripping off.

[–] lilly_lex103 13 years ago

57. If your a teacher and know a kid is picking on another kid make sure to move him to another seat.. preferably have him switch with his good friend who im sure is nothing like him and would never pick on somebody.

58. Dont forget to tell nayda you love her, even though you've been cheating on her. Never ask to take the slut with you, just the one you love..

[–] mzfuller58 13 years ago

59. extras don't get paid or credited in these cheap ass budget movies.

[–] kdp90125 13 years ago

extras dont get credited in big movies either

[–] trombone-rusty69 13 years ago

OMG Mitchell Fuller (mzfuller58) - REALLY? You were complaining online 3 years ago when this film was shot. Are you really that much of a troll? Let it go! Extras NEVER get credited unless they were featured and cast thru normal channels. And you knew the pay scale BEFOREhand. So here you are again, 3 years after the filming, still trolling to the final boards and complaining. It's just bad for your health to hold onto that crap for so long. And the budget was 1 million, so there are certainly thousands of much cheaper films that have been made, with most extras working for free. I doubt they are still complaining 3 years after shooting that they didn't get a credit or a big paycheck. What did you expect? 500 credited extras as "Kid in cafeteria at school"? WOW.

[–] 13 years ago

[deleted]

[–] eric_m_bi 12 years ago

Since 53 was posted twice, I'll correct the number count and start with 62:

62. Pay attention in chemistry class, it teaches you formulas of caustic compounds that can eat through metal (can also be applied to the faces of people you hate).

63. Parents need to pay attention more to their kids; not fighting and ignoring the fact that their son is pointing a gun to his head, not reading a newspaper at the table and letting their son's mind wander to dark places, and not listening to music while fixing the car instead of their son.

64. Always video tape a torture/dismemberment session of your enemies so it can be posted online (like in the film); reporters always screw the facts up.

[–] trish722 12 years ago

6. If you are an adult, make sure you never reveal your face to the camera. Hide behind a newspaper, always face the chalkboard, obsure your face with a flashlight or only show your legs.
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Yah! Thanks I didn't realize they were doing the Charlie Brown thing with all the adults being faceless.

[–] helle-petersen 11 years ago

OMG this was so good written! Cracked me up!! Thanx dude ;-)

[–] conangirl 11 years ago

100)

It's obvious that the director learned over the years what makes the local police respond to a 911 call faster... the black character was given the right lines to say in the phone to get the cops down to the killer's house "toute suite"..

some days, it's not worth chewing through the restraints..

[–] conangirl 11 years ago

68) After you've been stabbed in the heart, there is no blood coming from the wound after the stabbing. It has to be the clown suit.

69) What would have been funny? is after Dane is asked to remove his mask - he would still have that "cool" electronic/synthesized voice.

some days, it's not worth chewing through the restraints..