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100 things I learned from watching Bereavement

posted 13 years ago by steezer
20 replies | jump to latest

1. Someone living in an abandoned meat factory is totally normal.
2. Cow skulls have magical powers.
3. When you go out for a run, and you have big boobs, don't wear a bra.
4. When you see a little kid (living in an abandoned meat factory) chase after him, and follow him into the depths of the creepy basement with hooks and jars of blood. Don't be phased.
5. Stay in an abandoned freak house until the killer comes and ties you up and then act totally shocked.
6. When your mom is getting murdered and she tells you to run, just go to your room and shut the door. Don't help her.
7. After a psycho has killed your entire family and is about to kill you, beg him not to kill your animals.
8. If you like a girl and give her a ride home on your motorcycle, give her your helmet as a souvenir. Totally normal.
9. When you have a chance to escape from a killer, run around and whimper, crash into things and make as much noise as possible so that they can find you and re-capture you and then kill you.
10. When you find 4 people burned in their house, just assume it was of natural causes and nothing to do with the fact that a dozen people have gone missing and someone lives nearby in an abandoned meat factory.

[–] jabberttp 13 years ago

11. Little beagles, especially the brown and white variety, are positively adorable.

[–] Mrpinkeye 13 years ago

12. a great rack makes any movie watchable

[–] foundhorizon 13 years ago

13. If a teenager goes for a jog with no money or possessions and doesn't return, she's probably run away.
14. Even if you have no job, you can still run an abandoned meatworks.
15. The best way to stop a horny teenage girl from wanting an even hornier teenage boy is to tell her to avoid him.
16. A teenage girl can stay in a freezing room for a long time with no effects.
17. It's ok to leave your 6 year old on a swing in the yard while you outline all of his shortcomings to someone inside the house.
18. Even though your hand has had a knife stuck through it, you will still be able to use it to stab your rescuer when she opens the door.
19. If you watch someone doing something enough times, you will start copying him.
20. If you go looking for someone at a creepy old meatworks, wear a bulletproof vest.
21. If you are trying to rescue your girlfriend from a freezer, remember not to check your back.

To tennis players love means nothing!

[–] 13 years ago

[deleted]

[–] elmystking 13 years ago

22. New York sounds like a great place to live.

[–] 13 years ago

[deleted]

[–] mmathews-5 12 years ago

26. Walk-in refrigerator doors are completely soundproof.

27. Small children can easily hack off an adult's limb with one swing using a heavy axe.

[–] ry-the_stunner 12 years ago

28. When you see your captor approaching your crush and rescuer from behind, despite being in a soundproof meat locker, continue screaming in hopes that he'll understand that you're trying to warn him. Don't bother pointing behind him or anything to alert him that someone is there.

[–] nishant_varma 12 years ago

29. college is a waste of time

[–] bmclive72 12 years ago

30. If you're a teenager who needs "lots" of prescription meds for your "headaches", use your car as a medicine cabinet.

31. If your locked in a freezer, everything is fine and you should take a nap.

32. If the owner of the old, closed meat slaughter house down the road still drives around a truck with the slaughter house name on it....you might want to check this guy out if there have been recent kidnappings.

33. If you're looking for your neice at the slaughter house and the guy at the door (who you can't see) is rude, weird, and tells you to get off his property...ask to go inside his house for a chat.

34. Hearing a female teenager screaming in a locked freezer, can and does get annoying after a short while.

[–] erik-29-381626 12 years ago

35. Pointing to make someone turn around is a bad idea, instead scream and wave a lot.
36. Nobody likes it when the great rack dies.
37. A crippled little boy can stab a knife all the way through a human being.
38. If you smash an animal skull with an axe and then turn your back on it, it will re-assemble itself and hang itself back on the wall.
39. Checking out abandoned factories and similar buildings in an area that has had a lot of young girls missing, is a waste of time for the local police, since there can be up to maybe 3 buildings in the area to check out.
40. Dedicated track runners never wear sports bras.
41. If you are chased by a mad man who has a lot of knives, make sure you leave all his knives behind, it wouldn't seem fair to defend yourself with his own tools.
42. Alexandra made this movie watchable.

[–] miserycounty 12 years ago

43. When your house is burning down just leave a little girl upstairs so you can use the house phone.

[–] bob_mc1 12 years ago

44. This movie is watched mostly for Alexandra and her big rack. Even the director knew this.

[–] lazyfella 11 years ago

45. Your clothes grow in size with you after 5 years of sitting at a table with a knife

[–] revans7583 11 years ago

46. When a terrible director only makes 5 movies over more than a decade,you can bet at least one will be a "prequel".

[–] tim-arnold777 10 years ago

47. When the Writer/Director (Stevan Mena) also musically scores his own movie, it's safe to assume he's a control freak whose feet will never walk the red carpet outside the Academy Awards Ceremony.

48. When an actor like Brett Rickaby plays a crazed serial killer and remains an "unknown" throughout a 25 year acting career (with the exception of constantly being mistaken for Dwight Yokum) it's a fair bet he will reprise his albeit disturbingly stupid role as Graham Sutter in yet another tediously dumb Stevan Mena film. Killer: Malevolence 3. A film featuring another ample-racked washed up actress, Adrienne Boobeau.

49. When an actor like Michael Biehn, who, by the way, has played some pivotal roles as John Connor's time traveling father (Kyle Reese) in the original Terminator, and famed wild west gunslinger Johnny Ringo in the incomparable "Tombstone" (not to mention other classics like Aliens, The Abyss, and The Rock) will act in a string of low budget bombs longer than an Alabama Fireworks Stand's wet dream.

50. When I see that a movie is written, directed, and musically scored by Stevan Mena, I will trample my dogs and kids to grab the remote and turn that bitch off!

[–] Dan_Garten 9 years ago

Yeah, they actually had the balls to put the lead actress in a white, low-cut tanktop sans bra for nearly half of the running time. Plus, the way the character is written makes it even more gratuitous. 

[–] liamforeman 9 years ago

51. In a town of at most 1000, when a young boy and several girls go missing, the cops should never check out the creepiest guy in town, driving the creepiest van, and living in a creepy abandoned slaughterhouse. Neh, it couldn't be him...

52. When you are freezing to death in a freezer and are only wearing a tank top, do not take that blanket off the dead body to stay warm because that's just too upsetting.

53. When you go looking for your missing neice and decide to go to the creepiest place in town and think you hear your neice screaming, it's best to ask the crazy guy who lives there if you can come inside. Calling 911 isn't an option. Best to annoy the crazy guy and get filled with buckshot.

54. There is only one policeman in town, seemingly, and he can't be bothered to do his job because he's also the town minister, dog catcher, trash collector and manager of the local A and P. A bunch of missing and murdered girls is not near the priority of a beagle running loose in the neighborhood.

55. When you are being roasted over a mass of flames it is still capable to continue screaming even though fire would have burned your vocal cords after you breathed in after the first scream.

56. When you get into the guy you're crushing on's car and you see a pharmacy in the passenger seat don't be concerned. After all he said it was for his headaches, and that needs no follow up question/s. Best to be a rude bitch to your uncle who takes you in after you became orphaned. Because YOU do know better.

57. When you are lucky enough to get the little boy to free you, it's best that you make a ton of noise and scream often so you will alert the psycho killer that you are free. Also you are in a killer's dungeon with tons of knives, but you don't need to grab any kind of weapon, you have your loud voice. You might give him a headache as your weapon. Because you know your extremely annoying and piercing screams are your real super power.

58. When a psycho killer breaks in and attacks your Mom and your Mom yells at you to run, don't go out the open front door to get help. Run upstairs to your bedroom and start to cry. Your bedroom is much safer and not confining at all.

59. When you are interviewing a prospective nanny in your kitchen, MAKE SURE you rudely try to get the point across that your young boy needs to be watched constantly, as he's outside alone on a swing. What could possibly happen? He certainly would never get abducted by a psycho.

60. You brag that you are going to run track/cross country in college next year, but when a 50 pound kid gets on top of you and starts stabbing you to death, you must not kick the kid off you. Best to lie on your back and let him finish the job and stab you twenty times.

[–] 9 years ago

[deleted]

[–] 5uperman 9 years ago

61. When people go missing stay in your kitchen and smoke.

62. If unsecured wood falls off the back of your pick-up truck, ignore it.

63. Avoid Chicago.