MovieChat Forums > (500) Days of Summer (2009) Discussion > Tom had unrealistic expectations

Tom had unrealistic expectations

posted 10 years ago by mariakouloglou
15 replies | jump to latest

Summer made it clear from the beginning that she didn't want a relationship , Tom was the one who started hoping things would change. I don't understand why people stay in such unequal relationships . If you want something more than your partner, don't stay and just hope. Leave them.

Tom didn't have the courage to state what he actually wanted (a serious relationship) until it was too late. How the hell was Summer supposed to "read" him and understand his feelings? If he was confident enough to ask her out since the beginning and show her his true intentions , things might have been different between them.

[–] EpicalypseAfter 10 years ago

yes Maria, it's called human emotion something that the modern woman lacks and is completely insensitive to

Tom had unrealistic expectations, he has some blame

but when Summer saw what a sensitive creature Tom was, she should not have even pursued friendship with him and keep him hoping in limbo

and don't tell me women don't know when a guy has feelings for her (it might happen every now and then, but most of the time women know...come on guys don't want to be friends with you because you're cool or have a cool car)

and Tom's feelings were completely neglected by Summer

this is like keeping a caged Dog free to roam at your house for a few days before sending him back (because you have no intentions of keeping the animal).

Can you blame the dog for falling in love with you? Will he be heart broken when you send him back? There is no way to avoid these emotions even if you somehow manage to convince the dog that this will not be his permanent home

it's a natural thing, it's an emotional thing

women once knew about this

they don't anymore, they've become very rationale beings

deal with it

you cold cruel animal you

[–] mariakouloglou 10 years ago

This is not a men vs women thing. It's just that everyone is responsible for their own happiness . If he was unhappy , he should have walked away.

[–] vyperman7 10 years ago

I do think that Summer stuck around because she wished that Tom would become the man she knew he could be. I mean she put herself in his orbit countless times so he'd ask her out. Then after karaoke night, she tried to get him to admit what he wanted and take charge. She also encouraged him multiple times to get back into architecture. Ultimately though, she could see how he had no passion or direction and made his entire life about her. That's why she felt smothered and ultimately didn't feel safe with him.

Who Tom is with Autumn - cool, confident, romantically assertive, and passionate about life is who Summer always wanted to him to be. But he couldn't become his best self without going through the whole ordeal. So by the time he transformed, it was obviously too late. That to me is the biggest irony of the film.

[–] MsAnaS 9 years ago

vyperman7, I couldn't agree with you more. And I also thought it was very realistic. In real life sometimes as much as we try we're not a match with a person. Then heartbreak comes but it also comes with lessons and we become the right person for someone else.

Now imagine that Summer had rejected Tom the way she did but had never found that other guy and had never married him. She'd probably be frustrated and also find it ironic that Tom became his best self for another woman to enjoy and not her. It's always a matter of perspective.

[–] MisterHex 9 years ago

Summer led Tom on. She shouldn't have stuck around waiting for Tom to become something he wouldn't have become at that moment. She shouldn't have dated him, period. If she was disappointed by his lack of drive or passion for life -- if he wasn't his "best self" -- she should have pursued some other man who had the qualities she wanted, from the very start. Ultimately, she just went through the motions with Tom, without really having any enthusiasm for him, and all it did was confuse him more.

Think about this: What did Summer believe she had to offer Tom? Does she even consider that at all, or does she just date without thinking of the outcome or consequences? Dating is not an experiment, and Tom wasn't someone to be tested on or tried out for Summer's benefit. This is not about Tom needing to transform or change while Summer waits around for him. What did she have to offer him?

Nothing, obviously. Like Tom says to her at the end of the movie, "You just do whatever you want, don't you?"

[–] Dollhouse_89 8 years ago

Think about this: What did Summer believe she had to offer Tom?

True. Wtf was so great about her? She was floating through life working as an assistant at a greeting card company. Surely that wasn't her life goal. What was she passionate about? She's supposed to be perfect and unattainable just...because.

[–] melecsengir-1 9 years ago

This. Selfish. Wow.

[–] zeekmati 9 years ago

I get that Summer outlined that she didn't want a relationship and that she did not believe in love. That makes perfect sense to me. But it is also unreasonable to flirt with a dude, kiss him, bone him in the shower, make jokes, cuddle, go to dinner, to Ikea, walks in the park, art shows and much more EXPECTING the person you are doing all this with WON'T fall for you. They made it clear to agree to disagree about their polar views of love and relationship but it didn't stop her from making the first move. Why would she do this? How could she not know that Tom was the type of guy to fall and fall hard for the first cute pixie girl he came across.

In my opinion Summer is a total manipulator despite Tom being a knob.

[–] jamieparsons1 9 years ago

Yeah it's like 'hey I know you want to be a couple so let's do absolutely everything a couple does together...oh by the way I don't like you like that'.

[–] chas437 9 years ago

That's about the size of it.

I've seen this film many times, its easy to want to assign blame and take sides. But that's not what the film is about.

[–] TeenGangDeb 9 years ago

"yes Maria, it's called human emotion something that the modern woman lacks and is completely insensitive to"

Ooooh, SOMEone's heart has been cleaved in twain. You're not the only one, no need to go off the deep end.

++++++
Love means never having to say you're ugly. - The Abominable Dr. Phibes

[–] TeenGangDeb 9 years ago

I think everyone goes through this at least once, the person says they don't want a relationship and you think well, they will change their mind. Sometimes you're the one that breaks the heart.

++++++
Love means never having to say you're ugly. - The Abominable Dr. Phibes

[–] washcloud 9 years ago

...to begin with, people have unrealistic expectations all he time. Well, lots of them do. Most of them probably. "Tom" is no different than most people.
As far as your statement that you do not understand why people keep enduring "such relationships", I'd have to say that you'd have to be one of those people in order to understand them. Because those people live their lives under the impression that "things will change" and they actually have not pictured how bad it will be when the house of cards they've been building will come tumbling down on them. In other words, they may seem plain stupid to you for not leaving, however the bottomline is that "it ain't as easy as it sounds".

As for "Tom not having the courage", you're wrong : he did make it clear -from a point and on- who he deeply was and what his expectations were. After all this wasn't hard for Summer to see, since most people are exactly like that and she knows it. In other words, she did know his feelings allright. Her excuse is that, much like Tom did, she herself did probably HOPE that "if this breaks up, no hard feeling will be invloved". Because she obviously cared for him and did not want for him to suffer.

In conclusion, things "wouldn't have gone differently, IF..." as you presumed. They most probably wouldn't. The reasong being the very characters of the couple and the abscence of adequate chemistry on Summer's part. Tom was a nice guy, full of promise, likeable to the highest degree - yet he wasn't what would push Summer's button. Much like Pantelidis' "we're no match I'm telling you - thus objectively I tell you".

Memory is a wonderful thing if you don't have to deal with the past

[–] keith81 9 years ago

Yes, as often happens when a serious guy dates a free spirit.

[–] RamonThomas 9 years ago

Summer was cheating on her fiance (the guy she married eventually) with this douche bag. Even if he was able to "win her over" it would end her cheating on him with another man because she doesn't know what she wants.