How to Improve 'The Darjeeling Limited'

I'll give Wes Anderson some credit. He gave it his best effort, but let's be honest - he failed. I think his problem is that he's just not in touch with the American people, and he doesn't understand what we want when we go to the movie theater. In that vein, here are my suggestions as to how this movie could've been way, way better. Hopefully maybe he himself will read this, or someone who works for him, and they can incorporate some of my suggestions into his next movie.

1. Where's the plot? This subtle, artful storytelling sh!t is stupid. I don't want realistic interpersonal relationships: I want cool plot twists. Maybe the Indian people on board could turn out to be Arab terrorists? And there's a stolen nuke on board the train and they're on a collision course with the American embassy? And the three brothers turn out to be ex-Special Forces and they have to take down the bad guys. "Point and shoot, clear the room, move on. Killing a man is nothing, it's just a job." That right there has so much potential: Adrien Brody jumping sideways while firing two guns, Owen Wilson walking in slow motion into a brisk wind with his coat billowing behind him, music video-style, a "bullet cam" sequence where the camera follows the bullet's path from the barrel of Jason Schwartzman's gun, through several train cars, and right into the medulla oblongata of one of the towelheads as he's about to blow the nuke!! Awesome!

2. Better music. All this obscure evocative nonsense makes me yawn. A good rule of thumb is if a song didn't top the charts, there's probably a reason. We need some Kanye up in here, or, if you insist on being edgy and artsy, maybe some Darius Rucker (of "Hootie and the Blowfish" fame) or Coldplay. Maybe there could be a sequence where the brothers are walking in the rain and Rihanna's "Umbrella" is playing. See the metaphor there? Art doesn't have to be obscure. Maybe Rihanna could even play the female train attendant and she could sing the song in the movie as the brothers walk in slow motion in the rain and the camera does continuous 360's around them.

3. A villain! Interpersonal conflict just isn't compelling. Instead of bickering with each other, this movie needed a villain. Maybe one of the other passengers could be, like, a psychotic killer criminal who only lives to destroy. You could indicate his craziness by having him wear, like, crazy clothes and cut himself and stuff. And he wouldn't have a name - that's too real-worldy. He'd have to be called, like, "The Nihilist" or "Terror Man." And then it would be up to the three American brothers to uphold the principles of liberty and life and righteousness and take the bad guy down. And if you wanted to give the three brothers cool costumes and masks and gadgets and stuff, that could only be a good thing. And then Wes Anderson could be like, "It's a metaphor for the War on Terror," and everyone would think he's a totally brilliant artist and stuff.

4. Different actors. Owen Wilson and Adrien Brody are too skinny and quirky. They look like they don't even work out. I didn't know anyone like them in high school or community college or at the Enterprise car rental office I assistant-manage. They just come off as not mainstream enough, like Democrats or something. He should've cast some awesomer actors, like Seann William Scott or Tom Cruise or Shia LeBeouf or the Rock or John Travolta or Vin Diesel or the black guy from Transformers.

5. Too many darkies. Why all the foreigners and weird music and disgusting non-American food? Hasn't enough American business been outsourced to India already? There's no reason this movie couldn't have taken place on an Amtrak going from Ft. Lauderdale to Minneapolis. Come on, Wes Anderson, why do you hate America?

6. More tit-tays/vampires/robots/fart jokes. Self-explanatory.

7. Better dialogue. The dialogue in this movie was too boring and unrealistic. Either make them characters talk like normal mainstream white Americans actually talk in the real world ("Why you trippin' dawg? Y'all is crizz-azy! I'ma hit dis chronic and roll up on some hos!") or how effeminate weirdo hipster underground people talk ("Honest to blog? He's the cheese to my macaroni! Pass me my hamburger phone.")

8. Different ending. Again, this nuanced ambiguous interpersonal reconciliation just isn't obvious or exciting enough. Why not have a twist ending where like you find out they're actually all dead people? Or it was all a dream, or maybe they get into an argument and then they all simultaneously shoot each other. Come on, for ten bucks, I expect you to BLOW MY MIND.


Alright folks, those are my recommendations. You may not agree with them, but nine out of ten Americans would agree with me, so I must be right.