out of the hundreds of things posted

These are 84 Things I Learned from 'The Midnight Meat Train' after reading "100+ things I Learned from "The Midnight Meat Train" but haven't watched with the commentary yet because I'm askeared of Clive Barker's voice. Please note that I have not accredited the various authors because this is a compilation and it would take too long, but whoever wrote the first two deserved the bold print.

84. Who needs a Prada bag when you can have a circa 1890 veterinary one with the name 'Mahogany' engraved on it?

83. When finding a good friend of yours naked and hanging from a meat hook by his ankles, do not get into a machete fight and accidentally disembowel him.

82. There's no need to warn your friend if you see a man approaching from behind holding a hammer.

81. When a killer catches you stalking him, he just might think you're so clever that he chooses you to be his successor.

80. Detectives can't be trusted.

79. Cooks keep a gun in the kitchen.

78. Photographers are great fighters/masters of weaponry.

77. Famous sexy models are prone to ride the subway alone after 2 A.M.

76. You can’t notice the train floor is covered with a gigantic puddle of blood until you slip in it.

75. Spouses are always unsupportive at first and never believe a word you’re saying until their lives are in danger.

74. If you see people you find potentially dangerous, by all means follow them.

73. There can never be too many close-ups of Bradley Cooper’s face

72. If you save a model from being mugged or raped, she’ll make out with you.

71. A serious photographer can’t afford a proper camera.

70. Every train is safe, the air conditioning works, there is no graffiti and you can understand the conductor.

69. Life is like a box of chocolates and then you brutally die.

68. When you discover a butcher killing people and taking their bodies to a factory is when you decide to start eating meat.

67. Never ever, not for any reason, go to the hospital.

66. Jurgis had no luck at all.

65. In the closing scene, the butcher is the good guy from the opening scene who has turned evil.

64. If a girl can escape from rapists she will die immediately afterward anyway so you might as well save your energy.

63. If you save a girl from rapists, she's in the mood to give you a French kiss.

62. If you live in a small city of 8.3 million people like New York City, you run into the same strangers every day.

61. If two people file charges in New York City, they'll meet the same officer days and nights.

60. If you report a crime to a cop in New York City, he is always involved in it.

59. If a sect has just killed the one you love, you are in the mood to join them and start fetching their lunch.

58. If you want to kill for a sect, you have to have your tongue removed first.

57. If a mass murder is caught in the act by a pale blonde, he kills everyone anyway but voluntarily lets her escape.

56. You always can make L.A. look like N.Y.C. by adding some fake smoke and shooting at the Pershing Square Station and adjacent buildings.

55. Punctuality: it's a virtue for the mediocre.

54. Real geniuses are really, really late.

53. Nobody has ever "really" captured N.Y.C. in photographs, especially in 2008 and with the advent of digital cameras.

52. Gang bangers won't attack you if you point out that there is a surveillance camera.

51. If Vinnie Jones were to receive a sentence as long as Bernie Madoff’s, he could do the whole thing standing on one leg.

50. A gang banger will stop if you order him to do so, if you ask him right.

49. When you see your friend hanging from a meat hook by his ankles, think twice about trying to let him down. He'll only slow you down cause lord knows he can’t run now.

48. Never go on the Green Line 9. The Guardian Angels are still around, they jus’ been on a Rampage.

47. A meat hook is the best tool to use when jumping onto a moving train.

46. Even when working for subterranean cannibal monsters, you still have to make yourself look presentable.

45. The first cop you speak to out of thousands will just happen to be in cahoots with the bad guys.

44. If you remove your own tumors, you should store them in many glass jars full of saline solution in your medicine cabinet to have them tested later for malignancy.

43. Serial killers are shy in front of blondes. After he kills her friend he hides to let her run away since he knows she'll end up speaking to the bent copper anyway.

42. When you have a camera you become invisible and can sneak around anywhere and remain unnoticed.

41. If your life sucks it may be because you’re eating tofu.

40. If you're going to fight a serial killing mutant opt for a meat hook and hammer rather than a gun.

39. Falls from speeding trains are not always fatal.

38. If you lose your tongue you will still be able to say welcome once more to your successor.

37. Giving Bradley Cooper Vinnie Jones' haircut automatically makes him menacing.

36. A couple with jobs that pay no money, like witnessing and freelance photography, allow them to pay for lavish New York City apartments.

35. It is possible to knock someone's head clean off with one swing of a meat tenderizer. Not only that, but so hard that he spontaneously ejects his eyeballs.

34. Satan from Rosemary's Baby is no longer impregnating waifs and has now moved on to carving body art into clueless photographers.

33. All the train schedules from every day of the 20th century all easily fit into a leather wallet.

32. Businessmen, models, and yuppies all ride the train at 2 A.M., but apparently bums, crackheads, and prostitutes do not.

31. Pitching "It's like Hostel, but on a train," works.

30. Demons order take-out too.

29. Direct-to-Internet still not as bad as Direct-to-DVD.

28. Human meat is the only thing that can provide sustenance to a species that pre-existed humans.

27. There’s only one detective working in N.Y.C.

26. When a serial killer is attempting to kill you in a meat processing plant at mid-day, the best way to survive is to run past all the indifferent employees into a secluded backroom meat freezer.

25. Evil demon beast things are well capable of perfectly sanitizing a blood drenched train on a daily basis, yet prefer to live in a dark cave littered with old bones and corpses.

24. Agreeing to slaughter innocent people in order to feed a secret race of monsters might cost you your tongue and your girlfriend, but you do get a pretty sweet ring out of the deal.

23. Please step away from the meat.

22. You can go in and out and take some things from a meat factory anytime unnoticed.

21. You know the killer is behind you when the camera is doing a face shot.

20. Monsters prefer to have their humans unclothed and shaved, with fingernails, teeth and eyes removed before eating them.

19. Quiton "Rampage" Jackson is not just an MMA Fighter but a guardian angel that likes to start fights in a train at 2:00 A.M.

18. Maya will have sex with you anytime you feel down or as if you’re going crazy.

17. A Subway security guard will check to see if your camera has any weapons of mass destruction in it.

16. The midnight meat train is really the 2 A.M. meat train.

15. Murderers working for human eating monsters don't eat at home, or wear socks and underwear with a neatly pressed suit.

14. Seeing your girlfriend naked triggers crazy flashbacks of the slaughter house.

13. If you are a kid selling candy in the subways, go to a silent man who looks like a homicidal maniac. He will pay you without taking candy.

12. Vinnie Jones acquired his muscular physique from cleaning up the goddamn train every night.

11. People who endorse photographers tend to show their appreciation for the art before them by talking about for 3 minutes. If they don't like it, the time is one minute.

10. It's easy to clean a corpse of teeth, hair and eyes once its head has been bashed in.

9. Searching the room of a seven-foot Juggernaut of a butcher who may or may not be a vicious killer is the right choice to make, especially when you are uncertain of his schedule.

8. When you feel your life is in imminent danger, do not pull the emergency brake. Wait for the speeding train to stop at the entrance to a demon netherworld.

7. Subway train operators always keep a loaded pistol under the operating console just in case Mahogany disappoints them.

6. Subway escalators always have that creepy under-lighting that makes customers, and the audience, uncomfortable.

5. The Green Line's control tower operator always makes sure to set that switch at 2:27 A.M. to send that weird off-hour train onto that weird storage track for whatever reason. And to also keep that signal at red.

4. When you get your tongue ripped out, you don’t lose consciousness from the pain.

3. When you have a chance to run from the killer after slipping in blood, you should crawl instead.

2. The special effects team sucked at special effects blood.

1. Good movies can always be ruined in the last 10 minutes by random creatures.




§shut up net face.