Some sort of cinematic crime
I posted a review of this on imdb already, but I need to be more clear on my feelings about this movie. So, OK, this is going to be long and spoiler-tastic. I basically chose this film in an attempt to unearth a diamond in the rough of Hulu's film catalogue. This... was all rough.
It's hard to say what bothered me the most. Was it the shrill, stilted dialogue that was straining with desperation to be clever? Was it the audacity to use the same quote from Casablanca(A FAR SUPERIOR MOVIE) twice in a film that held very few connections to the source material? Was it the caricatures masquerading as characters from the doe-eyed, spritely, head-over-heels teen to the bestest whitest pal whose sole defining characteristic is his utter inability to attract women? Was it the fact that the movie wasn't one premise, but about a thousand different stories, all underdeveloped and written with all the artistic clumsiness of someone attempting to forge Thomas Kinkade paintings?
No. It was none of those. It was the protagonist so incredibly hell-bent on making himself as unlikeable as possible that all the dramatic stock orchestral soundtrack music in the world couldn't make him identifiable. Fumbling with every painfully-written quip(and believe me, he tries more than a few quips, he exists for the purpose of making himself as utterly banal and simultaneously hateable as possible. How does such a relentless unpleasant character manage to bed so many chicks?
I am, by no means, a student of the arts. But even I'M familiar with "show, don't tell." He hates all things related to his culture and heritage in the beginning. How do we know this? Because they flat-out say so in every clumsy expository diatribe they can muster. Never once is this demonstrated. Hell, he seemed pretty primed to let the first chinese escort(?) he bumps into to jump on his cock until Jailbait calls his hotel to rattle loose the few thoughts her brain can muster. Oh wait, no, she's super-duper smart. How do we know this? Does she figure things out with impressive speed? Does she offer a keen amount of insight into the events that conspire to create this movie? No, THEY JUST KEEP REPEATING THAT SHE'S GONNA GO TO SMART FOLKS SCHOOL TO DO SOME OF THAT FANCY BOOK-LEARNIN'!
Back to our protagonist's supposed disdain for all things chinese(hereafter affectionately referred to as "Douchelizard"): Not one moment after crying himself to sleep does he spring from his bed to have a Lost in Translation For Dummies(tm) montage with his cabbie who hilariously doesn't understand what he's saying(Get it? Because the chinese hear a lot more inflection than us cheeseburger-inhaling americans! What a unique perspective!) before he goes to another bar where he subsequently hits on another chinese woman who(twist of twist) apparently is disgusted by Americans for their complete cultural retardation(another diatribe that has been done to death). However, I guess his eyes were slanted enough to make his stupidity charming because a laughing and walking montage later she's demonstrating her lack of gag reflex(because apparently *beep* this guy didn't make her have dry heaves). But it's OK this time: we know that it's OK, because unlike the other times we don't see her doing anything remotely sexual. She simply bones him during fade-aways and the occasional no-way-their-privates-match-up blanket rolling montage. Artistic!
I hate this movie. I hate its characters, I hate its plot(s), I hate its lack of pacing, I hate its bizarre lack of cohesion, and I now hate everyone in it and somehow involved in it. Don't give this movie the satisfaction of your attention, its not worth it. I will spread the word to all willing to listen. This isn't even The Room bad. It's just terrible.