I'm surprised there isn't one of these on this board already.
1.) When your son has just scared a bunch of his peers at the zoo and is acting strangely, the best thing to do is to suggest he go see the birds.
2.) Damien is 'just a little boy'.
3.) When you are marked for death, ghostly shapes will appear in photos of you showing you how you die.
4) Being Damien's nanny is a life threatening job.
"She will remember your heart when men are fairy tales in storybooks written by rabbits"
5) It's always ok to jump off a building with a noose around your neck in front of mass amounts of people.
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www.myspace.com/therealmartymcfly
6. Hanging plants several stories inside your mansion-- while standing on an unstable chair-- in HIGH HEELS, is a very bad idea.
7. When about to execute the antichrist, BE QUICK ABOUT IT BEFORE SWAT GETS THERE!
Logan, buddy. It's me, Deadpool! I shot youuuuuu....
Come on, there are more things we can learn!!
4) When you have demonic "hallucinations" and decide to see a therapist, you discover that he has a creepy office with weird illumination
5)Old wounded priests leading a lonely life in an Italian monastery can speak English, while cab drivers can't.
6) When you see a red flower, jacket, strawberry..RUN!!
7) You can easily kill someone in the hospital even when that person is under guard, just have a scary kid there looking at the cop until he starts sweating.
8) Sitting in an airplane with daggers on your lap is just fine.
9) Under no circumstances adopt Italian kids. Seriously.
10) Monkeys and the Antichrist don't mix.
11) In the UK, any priest can walk in of the street and talk to the US ambassador.
What else ?
NATIONAL SARCASM SOCIETY
Like we need your support...
12) Demand health benefits before you take a job offered by the Devil - you will be burned, smashed by cars, and full of cancer.
13) Rottweillers are only suitable family dogs for the Antichrist.
14) Never trust an American nanny.
15) Animals in the London zoo can easily escape/break their enclosures (also learned from the first Harry Potter).
16) It is perfectly normal for 5 year olds to never speak, and physically attack their mothers. No cause for real concern there!!
"We die as we dream ... alone." - Joseph Conrad
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17. When your boss dies in a highly freaky accident and you make out like a big dog with a great promotion and a fancy house...it is 100% right to look a gift horse in the mouth.
shareHehe, i love this posting!
18. Julia Stiles has a natural penchant for making leading men appear 10 times hotter and more graceful when in contrast to her unattractive awkwardness.
19. Dogs work for the devil.
20. You cannot have both a good nanny and a stable nanny. You'll have to choose.
21. Julia Stiles is physically incapable of being natural.
22. Little boys with light skin, dark hair, blue eyes, and stern expressions are dangerous. If your child has these characteristics keep him happy.
23. Keep an eye on how your nanny reacts to your dogs. Look out for any funny looks between them.
24. If you are unsure of the nature of your child go with him to the zoo. If it gets intense take him to the birds.
25. Julia Stiles has very short arms.
26. If you're an actress and aspire to Julia Stiles, the best response to a little boy trying to kill you in the car is to sit sheet faced bored like nothing happened.
27. Mia Farrow can communicate telepathically with children. Keep her away from strawberries.
28. Mia Farrow, Liev Schreiber and Seamus Davey-Fitzpatrickare (Damian) are professional actors. They are very good.
29. Strawberries, scooters and Mia Farrow do not mix well. Keep away from ladders.
30. Julia Stiles survived a 30 feet fall landing on her back. She wasn't sheet faced bored, so she couldn't have been acting.
31. Damien isn't scary
32. The colour red is bad
'Don't hurt me Arch, I'm only LITTLE!'
33. If you are a dog-faced woman who gives birth to the devil or a normal
baby who was smashed in the head so that your parents could raise the
devil you would get an expensive tombstone, but no casket or burial
clothes.
34: Evil Priests trying to get into a monastery will be impaled by wrought iron spears and shards of stained glass will embed into their face.
35: Julia Stiles is an unnatural and horrid actress.
36: The Anti-Christ will play violent video games, proving they are in fact bad for children!(very heavy /sarcasm)
37. if you take the son of the devil to church he will attack you
38. The devil lives in politics
39. It was all for Damien
40. The devil can make little unfortunate stuff happen (and control BIG unfortunate stuff, like lightning) to kill people, but he can't just come here himself to destroy the world, even though God won't stop him. It's a little game he plays.
41. If the devil is about to kill you, you'll know it if you listen closely. Chances are you'll hear him growling on the soundtrack of the world.
The Falcon flies
42. You can get from Bishops Park in London to the Charles Bridge in Prague purely by turning the corner and running up some steps.
43. There are some fantastic Czech restaurants and cafes in London. Hundreds of them in fact.
44. You can drive on the 'wrong' side of the road if you have a small child screaming in your car. As can the police chasing you.
45. If you stand under a bridge in London when it's raining, a brazier will be magically burning away. Must have been a strike on earlier.
46. The US Embassy cleverly manages to move itself around London, presumably to fool any terrorists.
47. Julia Stiles is definitely an unnatural and insufferable actor.
48. When you are the US Ambassador in London, be very careful not to bump into the cast of Van Helsing (obscure, but someone will get it :)
and that's all folks.
- Satans powers can lock a church door if a priest tries to enter for safety, but has no power if the leading man is trying to enter a church in an attempt to kill his only son
shareDamien is a really bad name to call a kid
'Don't hurt me Arch, I'm only LITTLE!'
51. Julia Stiles and Liev Schrieber are really gross looking and have no chemistry
52. Rottweilers are really creepy
53. A modern horror film can never be too ridiculous or over-the-top in its attempts to scare the audience- throwing in random sequences with a ridiculous wooden mask and a weird, unrelated person wearing a skull on their face.
54. American ambassadors aren't busy travelling, working late and meeting other dignitaries at all, they can go home every evening at 5 o'clock like a regular Joe Bloggs
55. It is a very bad idea to try and remake a classic horror movie.
Meet The New Boss, Same As The Old Boss...share
56. Italian roofers are so bad that they left their hammer falling down.
57. Italian work is so badly made that it can kill somebody just because of a hammer.
58. Keith Jennings (David Thewlis) wants to look like a teenager with his clothes but hey, you are 43 dude!
59. The son of the devil is a bad actor because sometimes he starts smiling (because Seamus Davey-Fitzpatrick can't act)
60. Rottweilers are great dogs.
61. When he learns his wife is dead, the father doesnt' give a *beep*
62. But when he discovers the skull of his dead baby, he cries like a baby.
63. Italian lost cemeteries are kept by dogs who attack anyone going in.
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70. Pasting papers of the bible all around your room is gonna protect you from The Devil
share
71. Devil children don't look evil, just anemic.
http://werewolvesbeatingadeadhorse.blogspot.com/
72. When you see falling objects, get the hell out of dodge.
73. Damien was cold as ice, the other baby was sacrificed, i know.
74. Kids that attack you in a backseat, don't get discliplined for it.
75. Damien's mother was a jackal.
76. It wouldn't appropiate to yell: "heads up!" to a guy who just lost his head.
"I am the ultimate badass, you do not wanna `*beep*` wit' me!" Hudson in Aliens.
77. London newspapers will cheerfully publish gruesome photographs of a priest's impaled corpse on the front page.8) Sitting in an airplane with daggers on your lap is just fine.
I think it was the ambassador's private airplane, so it would be just fine (diplomatic immunity).56. Italian roofers are so bad that they left their hammer falling down.
57. Italian work is so badly made that it can kill somebody just because of a hammer.
Uh, I think you meant *Israeli* roofers.
78. Never remake a great movie into a bad one.
share78. the antichrist loves PBJ sammiches
79. and strawberries
80. and riding on scooters
LOL!
"I am the ultimate badass, you do not wanna `*beep*` wit' me!" Hudson in Aliens.
81. For the sake of God , get a natural childbirth .
82. Never keep a Rottweiler at home
83. if your child is born in June 6th in any year that includes the number 6 in it , Kill him IMMEDIATELY !!
84. Never wear high heals at home especially if you are standing on an unstable chair
Lee Remick and Gregory Peck are awesome actors julia stiles and liev schreiber suck.
in todays news paris hilton has now made it illegal to weigh no more than 108 pounds.
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88) If you are installing a clay tile roof never leave your hammer lying behind you. You could kick it accidentally(Altho it looked like in this roofer's case he did it on purpose at the director's behest)! It could fall off roof, hit in the exact spot a seemingly rusty and worn bolt or pin sits, knock said pin out of place to loosen a steel girder, that breaks away from it's support, swings down and totally messes up the guy's hair standing beneath it. Roofers need to keep their hammers on their work belts...dammit!