What are currently the funniest, more recent clean or dirty jokes you've heard (compared to others you've heard, that you'd class as lame, average and /or unfunny). If any joke has any offensive language in it, just use exclamation marks or large XX's to fill in the letters.
shareI've got two that I love...
* What's brown and hides in the attic?
The diarrhea of Anne Frank.
* What's the difference between a Cadillac and a pile of dead babies?
I don't have a Cadillac in my garage.
Courtesy of Gary Shandling/Larry Sanders-
I think my dog is gay
His dick tastes really awful.
Why did the Siamese twins move to England?
So the OTHER one could drive!
Pretty tame.
Dale
This came from a friend in UK:
What did the hot dog street vendor in front of the WTC say on 9/11?
Who ordered the jumbo?
Sorry,
Dale
Bonus: Why does Helen Keller play piano with her right hand
She sings with her left.
Dale
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omg...i actually laughed out loud from reading that joke! lol. aww, i'm going to hell!
I won't get into any racy jokes, but a few of my favorites are:
These two are both hit or miss depending on the company.
1. A horse walks into a bar. The bartender says "why the long face?"
2. Two snares and a high-hat fall off a cliff. Ba-dum ching!
3. Wife tells her husband that if he comes home drunk again she'll throw him out for good. He goes to the bar, gets hammered, and spills rum down the front of his shirt. He's upset now because he won't be able to say he didn't get drunk since he reeks of booze. The bartender says: "This is what you do. Put a $20 in your front pocket, and tell your wife that you went to the bar, but didn't get drunk, and someone bumped you, spilling their drink on your shirt, and gave you 20 bucks to cover the dry cleaning bill. So, the man goes home, wife is upset, and he says: "No seriously honey, I DID go to the bar, but you have to believe me...I didn't get drunk. Some guy spilled his drink and gave me $20 for the dry cleaning bill." The wife says, "Okay, I believe you, but you said the guy gave you $20. Why is there $40 here?"
The man says: "Cause I think he may have sh!t in my pants too."
4. Man sits down on a plane and realizes the guy beside him has the same shoes, briefcase and jacket as him. What's more, they have the same glasses, and both pair are broke and taped together in the same spot. Astounded, the man said: "This is amazing! Do you mind asking how you came to break your glasses?" The other guys says: "Freudian slip. When I was ordering my ticket, the airline ticket lady had really large breasts, so instead of saying "I'd like a ticket to Pittsburgh", I accidently said "I'd like a picket to Titsburg", and she punched me, breaking my glasses.
The first man said: "That's incredible. Similar thing happened to me too! The other night I was sitting down for dinner with the wife, and instead of saying "Can you please pass the salt honey", I accidently said "You ruined my fecking life you wh ore!"
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If you don't stand for something you will fall for anything.
I've always loved this joke.......
Q: Why was the blonde's belly button sore?
A: Her boyfriend's blonde, too........
Allright, this one is translated from danish, but I don't think it loses anything.
Two hunters were out in the woods, when suddenly one of them drops to the ground. He doesn't look like he's breathing and his eyes seem empty. The other hunter panics and decide to call 911.
- "I think my friend is dead. What should I do?"
- "Take it easy now. First you have to be sure he's actually dead."
A moment of silence follows, and suddenly there's a loud BANG!
back on the phone the hunter says:
-"Okay, what now?"
If I cannot fly, let me sing!
Official Bleeder
A man is in a hotel lobby. He wants to ask the clerk a question. As he turns to go to the front desk, he accidentally bumps into a woman beside him and, as he does, his elbow goes into her brest. They are both quite startled.
The man turns to her and says, 'Ma'am, if your heart is as soft as your breast, I know you'll forgive me.'
She replies, 'If your penis is as hard as your elbow, I'm in room 221.'
Join the John Waters Myspace group http://groups.myspace.com/watersrules
[deleted]
A guy that's ALREADY drunk reels into a bar, staggers up to the bartender and yells, "Wanna - Wanna - *hic* Wanna hear a REALLLLLY GOOD blonde joke?"
The bartender turns slowly and addresses the drunk:
"Look around you, pal. I'm 6 foot five, two hundred and seventy pounds, I have a Black Belt in Aikido, and I'm BLONDE. The Bouncer is 6 foot 7, he's a National Champion Kickboxer, and HE'S blonde. The owner is sitting at the end of the bar, he's an enforcer for a local Don, and HE'S blonde. Are you SURE you wannna tell that joke?"
The drunk considers for a few seconds, and then blurts, "Well - Not if I gotta exshplain it THREE TIMES!"
Quis custodiet ipsos custodes?
What do Pink Floyd and Dale Earnhardt have in Common?
What?
Both's last big hits were the Wall
Come to the board for Jon Vitti!
http://imdb.com/name/nm0900140/board/threads/
Q: What's the opposite of Christopher Reeves?
A: Christopher Walken
-A one-legged dyke meets another one-legged dyke. The first one asks, "How'd you lose the leg?" The second replies, "I bet someone I wouldn't ever meet a one-legged dyke." The first says, "Me too. I bet you the other leg you never meet a no-legged dyke." The second answers, "You're on."
-A boy draws on a mirror with his marker. The mirror says, "How would you like it if someone drew all over your face?" The boy replies, "Where's your mouth?"
-Two guys sitting at a bar, one with a 9-foot neck. He turns to the other and says, "I bet you a hundred bucks I can suck my own d!ck." The other answers, "F *ck that!"
-A guy's car breaks down and he walks to a nearby farm. The farmer says, "You can spend the night in the barn, but don't f *ck my daughter, she's got maggots."
-Two clowns standing at a train station. One holds a giant mallet, while the other balances a huge nail on his head. He turns to the first clown and says, "This is my lucky nail."
-In one twenty-four hour period, satan gives the pope cancer, rapes an entire orphanage, and devours a nun from sandals to habit. He returns to hell to find god sitting by his throne, shaking his head. He walks up to god, punches him in the shoulder and says, "What's up sugartits!"
-A dietician makes a house call. He sees his patient's 2-year-old son playing in traffic. He asks the patient, "Is he safe out there?" Patient replies, "He'll be fine. So, what did you bring me?" The doctor hands the patient a syringe, who injects it promptly. There's a bright explosion and, after the smoke clears, the patient appears ripped from head-to-toe sporting a six-pack. Suddenly his son runs in, grabs the syringe, runs back outside and injects himself. There's a bright explosion and, after the smoke clears, the 2-year-old appears ripped from head-to-toe sporting a six-pack. Then a bus hits him.
(Anti-racist jokes)
What do you call a truck full of mexicans driving off a cliff?
A tragedy!!!
What's the difference between Jews and anchovies?
Well, I like Jews.
A blind man hands his newly written manuscript to an editor. The editor flips through the pages and says, "I'm sorry to tell you this, buy I think you misplaced your hands on the keyboard. This novel is gibberish."
The blind man answers, "mp o fof mpy. dot@"
In the land of the blind, the one-eyed man is king.
In the land of one-eyed men, the two-eyed man rocks at darts.
In the land of three-eye men, the two-eyed man is freaking out!