Cow Monologue

I absolutely loved the cow monologue. If anyone else enjoyed it as much as me, I've typed it up for ye.

Wouldja? *beep* me! And the thing is, it’s *beep* true like. That’s the mad thing.

So I was at this cattle fair wi’ me dah when I was seven. All these *beep* cows around. As we were at a cattle fair. And then this one cow got this trapped wind like. There’s a technical name for it but I don’t know what the *beep* it is. Anyways, this cow starts expandin’ like a mad thing, starts *beep* balloonin’ up, and that’s really dangerous because they can die like that, and nobody knew what to do ‘til this short tiny fella popped up--he was just passin by like--and he takes out a *beep* screwdriver, and jumps into the pen. And everybody’s goin “Oh *beep* NO,” like, and the short fella starts stabbin big *beep* holes in the side o’ this cow like, and we all thought he was mental, goin stabbin a cow like. But then the cow started deflatin’ back to normal, cause that’s what you’re supposed to do with a cow with trapped wind. Stab the *beep* So everybody gave this short fella a round of applause for bein so on the ball like, but then he started givin’ us this whole life story about what an expert he is on *beep* cows. And he says “This gas that’s comin’ out of the cow is the exact same gas as the gas in your oven back home.” And everybody said “*beep* off, it isn’t the same,” but the short fella said “It is, Watch!” And he lights the *beep* gas like. So theres this stream of *beep* fire shootin out o’ this cow, and we were so impressed like. We gave him ANOTHER round of applause.

But then the gas musta’ backed up inside her or something. Because the cow *beep* exploded.

Best day o’ me *beep* life, that cow exploding.