Platinum Dunes Greenlights Remake of Fred Vogel's 'August Underground'
from "Not Non-Fiction News"
June 27, 2010
Today, horror fans might be ecstatic to learn that Hollywood motion picture production company Platinum Dunes has set forth in remaking the highly controversial 2001 independent horror/gore film, "August Underground", which is to be directed by none other than Michael Bay ("Transformers" and "Playboy Video Centerfold: Kerri Kendall") himself! But many fans of this highly praised over-the-top mock-snuff opus are quite disgusted by this news. And mind you, these are people that do NOT get grossed out very easily! Says one anonymous angry A.O. fanatic: "Michael Bay is single-handedly ruining the horror industry! Freddy, Jason and Leatherface are all understandable [to be remade], because they were mega-budgeted Hollywood blockbusters. They raked in millions and millions of dollars with each sequel they cranked out. But this is totally different. Michael Bay is taking a movie with a hugely dedicated cult following, which was made on next to nothing, even for the underground market, and is putting his money-hungry, over-produced, watered-down, generic blue-gelled cocksmear all over it. He is basically raping the horror genre in the ass, without even using lube!"
Other fans, however, seem to take this news in stride. Says Annie B. of Ellivnatas, NM, "I personally can't wait to see this! I think Michael Bay has gotten a bad rap. So what, he always seems to be involved in horror remakes, but I have personally enjoyed all of them, and am excited to see what he can bring to this D.I.Y. bare bones movie. He might really be able to bring some actual substance to [the characters]."
The film is set to star indie legend Kevin Smith as the nameless, on-camera lunatic who plays out his bloodthirsty wishes in front of the camcorder, operated by his never-seen partner in crime, voiced by James Duval. The two repeatedly kidnap young people of both sexes, all in their twenties, and graphically torture them in a suburban basement. Conflict grows between the two buddies when one of their victims, a Vegas showgirl named Sienna (a rumored Jessica Alba), on the run from her tortured past to live a private, peaceful life in an Arizona convent, begins to tap into the psyches of the two deranged murderers. Sienna uses mind over matter to tear a rift between the two spastic, insane murderers. And in a final act of desperation, she convinces Smith's character to feel remorse for his actions and help her escape to the abbey, where he himself looks into becoming a monk! Well, Duval's character does NOT approve of this rash decision, and he and his trusty camcorder instantly track them down at the church with his sights set directly on killing anyone and everyone who crosses his path, and, if need be, his best friend. Needless to say, old habits will be dying hard all over the place (ba-dum-bum)!
Platinum Dunes promises to bring us, the people, two and a half hours of unrelenting terror and suspense. Whether or not you choose to buy into that statement is your own business. We can all decide for ourselves if and when we choose to see it. Which P.D. plans to make possible by April 2011.
;-)