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Parody Script: X-Men - The Last Stand

posted 4 years ago by AP (5295)
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X-MEN: THE LAST STAND

THE PAST SOMETIME...

Xavier: Boy, Erik, it sure is nice to have a fun stroll. I do so much enjoy walking.

Magneto: So we’re gonna pick up another mutant today? A young girl named Jean Grey? Is she powerful?

Xavier: Yes, very.

Magneto: She will be an excellent to my evil mutant army when I finally destroy humanity.

Xavier: What?

Magneto:... Nothing.

Jean: Hi, I’m Jean. I scare my mommy and daddy.

Xavier: Well you seem nice enough to me.

Jean: Yep, just don’t let my evil alternate personality take control.

Xavier: Okee-dokee.

SOMETIME LATER BUT STILL IN THE PAST...

Angel’s dad: Warren, what are you doing in that bathroom? You’ve been there for hours!

Angel: I’m just cutting off my wings... uh,... I mean masturbating.

Angel’s dad: What? No, you’re one of those icky mutants!

Angel: It’s fine. I’m not even an important character in this movie.

DANGER ROOM - PRESENT DAY

Wolverine: Okay, we have a lot of new X-Men here. Rogue and Ice Man have graduated and now Colossus and Kitty Pryde are on the team. Welcome to not having cameos anymore.

Storm: So what should we do with that Sentinel blowing things up?

Wolverine: Right. So the first rule of the X-Men is that everyone stands around and does nothing while I do all the cool shit.

Storm: Come on, they need to do something.

Wolverine: Fine. I need to be thrown.

Colossus: You need to be thrown?

Wolverine: Yes.

Colossus: Okay.

(Colossus throws Wolverine)

(Wolverine cuts the Sentinel’s head off)

Wolverine: See that? That’s why I’m the hero of these movies and you are all kinda just there. Colossus, that’s what you do from now on. You throw me.

Storm: Wolverine, I know you got away with this stuff when Cyclops was the leader…

Wolverine: Cyclops was the leader?

Storm:... but I’m the leader now. That’s all I’m getting in this movie and I’ll be damned if I let you cut in and -

Wolverine: Where is Cyclops, anyway?

Storm: *sigh*... He’s crying in his room again.

WASHINGTON DC

Trask: The military has captured Mystique.

Beast: I’m okay with this. It’s not like we knew each other as teens, nor have I had any romantic ties to her.

Trask: Well check this out, we have a mutant-cure and we wanna use it on dangerous mutants like her.

Beast: How did you get a cure?

Trask: We have a mutant Plot Device character who can negate mutant powers. Worthington Labs has him on Alcatraz Island. We’re using him for evil stuff.

Beast: Using a living plot device for evil stuff? My God! Can’t these movies have a different plot for once?

Trask: We want you to negotiate with the mutant community and bring them over to our side. Maybe talk with your old friends in the X-Men? We kinda wanna stop people from being icky.

THE MANSION

Beast: So the government will probably start taking away mutant powers with their “cure” under the guise of making people safe.

Storm: So what will we do about this?

Beast: What am I gonna do with these tossed salads and scrambled eggs?... Ha, I had to do it, I’m sorry. But no, this whole thing is pretty terrible. Magneto is probably gonna go apeshit.

WORTHINGTON LABS

Angel’s Dad: Let me show you how our cure works. I have my son here who si a willing participant.

Angel: I’m not willing! Can you people not see me strapped down. Help!

Angel’s DAD: Totally willing! We just stick him with these needles and he’ll stop having those icky wings on his back and not embarrass the family.

Angel: I don’t deserve this. I’m not even relevant to the plot! I’m gone!
(flies away)

MORLOCK TUNNELS

Magneto: Excuse me, everyone. May I have your attention? I’m starting an evil mutant uprising against the government for creating a mutant cure. I’ll need canon fodder for the final battle.

Canon Fodder: We’re in!

Magneto: Great. Now, my girlfriend has been captured, so we’ll need a mutant with a plot device power so that I can track her down.

Calisto: I can do that.

Magneto: Splendid!

[–] AP (5295) 4 years ago

AN ARMORED TRUCK SOMEWHERE

Guard: Stupid icky mutants!

Mystique: Stupid icky humans!

Magneto: Guess whoooo?

(Magneto, Pyro, and Morlocks wreck the truck)

Magneto: Now you are free, my dear. I see there are other evil mutants here. Who are you fine gentlemen?

Juggernaut: I’m the Juggernaut, bitch!

Magneto: Ho-ho! That meme will age perfectly.

Multiple Man: I can’t wait to do evil stuff.

Juggernaut: Weren’t you a good guy in the comics?

Multiple Man: Weren’t you not a mutant in the comics?

Mystique: The humans have developed a way to take away mutant powers...

Guard: Dart-gun!

Mystique: Ack!... Like that!

Magneto: Mystique: You are no longer blue, I’m sorry. You see, the humans hate and fear people for stupid reasons and now that you are human, I hate and fear you for stupid reasons. So you see how mutants are superior?

Mystique: Yeeeeah, I’m gonna go ahead and tell the government where your secret base is when they take me back to prison.

Multiple Man: Don’t worry. When the government comes, I’ll confound them by pretending to be a whole crowd of people.

Magneto: Wonderful! What else can you do for me?

Multiple Man: Nothing. I serve no other purpose in this movie.

Magneto: Seems to be a lot of that going around in this movie.

ALKALI LAKE

Cyclops: I’m so sad Jean’s gone. But now I have emotions and I think really interesting things can be done with my character for once.

Jean: I’m back. I’m evil. And you’re dead.

Cyclops: Dead? The movie just started and I’ve done nothing but sit here and cry! They’re seriously gonna - ?

(Jean kills Cyclops)

[–] AP (5295) 4 years ago

THE MANSION

Xavier: My telepathy powers tell me something just happened at Alkali Lake.

Wolverine: We’ll check it out.

(later…)

Wolverine: Turns out Jean’s alive. Hopefully, that means we can have sex.

Jean: I’m evil now. I even killed someone.

Wolverine: No! This is horrible! Who did you kill?

Jean: Cyclops.

Wolverine: Oh, thank God! I thought it was someone important for a second there.

Jean: So,... Still wanna have sex?

Wolverine: Well, yeah. Wait, are we doing the Phoenix Saga now? There’s already so much going on in this movie, are you sure we can -

(Jean slams Wolverine into the wall)

Jean: I’ve waited three movies to be the Phoenix and I’ll let nothing get in my way! Even if it destroys this franchise!

MAGNETO’S PLACE

Magneto: We’ll use the mutant cure to draw more mutants to our side!

Callisto: I just sensed a really powerful mutant upstate. Very powerful. We should probably take a few men with us in case there’s a big fight scene.

JEAN GREY’S CHILDHOOD HOME

Xavier: I sensed Jean would be here. Hopefully, we’ll find her without any -

Magneto: Guess whooooo?

Xavier: Dammit, Magneto!

Wolverine: I’ll fight the big dude with the helmet.

Storm: I’ll fight the chick!

Xavier: Jean, I know you’re here. Come back to the mansion before you hurt anyone important.

Jean: Nah, man.

(Jean kills Xavier)

Wolverine: NNNNOOOOOOOOOO!... Someone important!

Magneto: So, would you like to join my evil mutant terrorist organization?

Jean: Sure.

[–] AP (5295) 4 years ago

MANSION

Storm: We are here to mourn the death of Charles Xavier. No one else. He is the only important X-Man who has died so far.

Kitty: I’m so sad.

Ice Man: I’ll take you ice-skating to cheer you up. I mean, I’m not cold-hearted.

Rogue: She gets to touch Bobby and I don’t? I’m getting that cure. I hate these powers!

Ice Man: Not cool! You’ll be the fourth major character to leave abruptly in this movie. I mean, me and Kitty can’t carry this movie on our own, Storm keeps struggling to find an arc, and Colossus only exists to throw Wolverine! And sure, Beast is pretty awesome but how many movies is Kelsey Grammar gonna be able to do?

Wolverine: All you need in these movies is me, kids!

THE WOODS

Magneto: Now that I have an army, we can go to Alcatraz Island where they are keeping the plot device mutant. Then, we will teach the humans not to harm innocent mutants!

Pyro: What will we do about the plot device mutant?

Magneto: We will kill the innocent mutant child! I AM MAGNETO!

Wolverine: Jean! I’ve come to rescue you… and to have a fight scene.

Jean: Wow, you might be hotter than Scott but you are just as clingy.

Wolverine: At least I get a fight scene.

Magneto: Bye now.

Wolverine: YAAAAAAA!!!

MANSION

Wolverine: Okay, everyone, we may be down several X-Men, one of our teammates is now evil, and this entire plot is a jumbled mess, but if we all rally around me and my star power, we might be able to save this franchise with some prequels and reboots.

Angel: So I guess I’m joining this team or whatever.

Wolverine: What are you gonna do?

Angel: I’m gonna disappear from this movie once again. I mean, at one point, some bad guys drop my dad off the roof and I catch him, but otherwise, I really don’t factor in at all.

Wolverine: My god, this series is in trouble. The upside is that I’ll get a solo flick next. Let’s go!

[–] AP (5295) 4 years ago

ALCATRAZ

Magneto: The army is waiting for us. I’ll let the canon fodder go first so as to shield me and the important bad guys from the dart-guns.

Canon Fodder: You heard the man! Let’s die en masse!

Wolverine: We’re here! This is the plan - me and Beast will take out the canon fodder. Storm, you fight Callisto and Ice Man will fight Pyro. Kitty, go inside and protect the plot device mutant. And Colossus… remember to stand around and wait for my cue to be thrown.

Callisto: Ready for Round Two, Storm?

Storm: Do you know what happens to a Callisto when it’s struck by lightning?

Callisto: What? That doesn’t even make any… AAAAGGGHHH!

Ice Man: Pyro… Freeze!

Pyro: So I guess this is the typical cold vs hot fight?

Ice Man: Yeah. I at least get to ice-up, though. That’s kinda cool.

(beats Pyro)

Kitty: I’m in the building with the plot device mutant… Hey, I can’t go through this wall.

Plot Device Mutant: I negate mutant powers, remember?

Kitty: Oh, somehow I forgot about that.

Juggernaut: You’re not the only one who forgot. Now, I’m gonna run head-first at you. I won’t even care if you dodge out of the way. I’ll assume my mutant powers will keep working and allow me to break through the…

(knocks himself out)

Magneto: You may have defeated my army, but I remain!

Wolverine: Not so fast! ... I need to be thrown.

Colossus: You need to be thrown?

Wolverine: Yes.

Colossus: Okay.

(throws Wolverine)

Magneto: Did you forget about your metal skeleton?

Beast: Did you forget about the cure-darts!

Magneto: I most certainly did not forget about… Ow! Oh, you’ve taken my powers! Very naughty!

Jean: What the hell? We’re at the end of the movie and we’ve spent most of the time dealign with the multiple sub-plots. This movie is supposed to be based on the Phoenix Saga! Everyone forgot about me!

Wolverine: Sorry, Jean. We -

Jean: DDDIIIIIEEEE!

(Jean starts killing everyone but the X-Men and Magneto)

[–] AP (5295) 4 years ago

Wolverine: This is it. I’ll have to stab her.

Jean: I guess I’ll just stand here and wait until you do it, I guess…. ACK!

Wolverine: NNNOOOOOOOO!... I never even got to have sex with her.

(Days later…)

Storm: I’m running the school.

Beast: I’m an ambassador.

Rogue: And I get to have sex with Bobby.

Wolverine: Well, at least one of us gets to have sex.

Magneto: My powers are returning. I suppose the cure wears off after a while.

Wolverine: Oh,... I guess Bobby and Rogue better hurry.

AFTER CREDITS

Xavier: Pssst, hey true believers, I'm alive.