MovieChat Forums > Dracula 3000 (2004) Discussion > I Absolutely Have To Rant

I Absolutely Have To Rant

posted 20 years ago by KJKanon
4 replies | jump to latest

****This will contain some spoilers****

Ok, so first of all. Its the year 3000. Why is coolio smoking pot on a deep space mission in a room on a ship that contains a surfboard?! Not even a futuristic surfboard, but one from over 1000 years ago.

Planet transylvania has to be the dumbest thing ive ever heard in a movie. But turns out there was a quick mention of another planet, with an even more pathetic name. coolio mentioned he got some weed back on planet comptonia. comptonia. wow. How does this movie take itself seriously?

Also, explain to me, why is dracula running full speed all over the ship. Basically, if hes not on camera talking, hes running like crazy. I assume theres some downtime in his coffin, but you see him sprinting at least 5 or 6 different times. And these are times where hes not running to get someone, nor is he running away from anyone. Hes just hauling ass all over the place.

Lets talk about the ending. Yes, the ship blows up for seemingly no reason. One could say the the german set it up to self distruct, but then dracula, while he was running laps around the ship, decided to turn off the power, halting the self distruct. So, when the power comes back on, if it was still going to self distruct, why didnt it do it right away? Yeah, the movie wouldve been about 10 mins long, but it wouldve been much better. Instead, we watch everyone bite each other, and kill people with organic wood pool cues, just to watch the ship finally remember, oh yeah, im supposed to explode. And this happens before any T and A is shown. I was at least hoping to see the reprogrammed pleasure bot (yes, that is one of the characters) naked before the movie ended, but even that possible saving grace wasnt written in.

The acting, the script, the sets, and the clothes are some of the worst ive ever seen.

This is officially the worst movie ive ever seen. I could go on, but ive been ranting on aim to my friends, so ive got most of it out already.

[–] stephencray 20 years ago

What about the Soviet memorabilia? They don't know Jesus but they known Lenin?

And that super advanced spaceship wasn't very wheelchair friendly, was it?

PAX...

[–] oscarfrancis 20 years ago

Anyone who actually dissects this movie's problems is missing the point. You're supposed to sit there and giggle, stupified. I'm sure it's supposed to be some kind of joke.

[–] stephencray 20 years ago

But its such a damn stupid joke....

PAX...

[–] bigfoot6161 20 years ago

I believe the ship exploded because they set a course for the sun, having decided to spare mankind from the menace (?) of Dracula. So basically, they got too close to the sun and the ship exploded. I have no idea why I'm defending this movie.

Also, the bit about the wheelchairs...yes the "spaceship" (a big boiler room) was not very friendly to the wheelchair. But what bugs me even more is the fact that in the year 3000 they have not yet come up with a way to either (1) cure busted legs/spinal columns or (2) a hovering wheelchair, or something of the sort.

The one redeeming thing about this movie was the dialogue. The writer certainly had a grasp of how to write enthralling lines for these giants of the screen to present to the audience. The best was the "I's like to ejaculate all over your bazonkas" line.

Lastly, I hope that the cast and crew took this as some sort of joke. I know I did, though I was expecting this movie to be awful. That's actually why I rented it, so I had an enjoyable time. If anyone involved with this project took it seriously, I feel sorry for them.

ATTENTION LESS THAN PERCEPTIVE READERS:
That bit about the dialogue wasn't serious.