How would you all feel if he did it?
"Questions, Questions, too many questions, you want a shard, Here!'- Aughra, The Dark Crystal.
[deleted]
maybe we should decapitate him to
A- stop it from ever happening
B- stop him from ever ruining a videogame series again... ever.
Like it was the single most inventive insanity effect in the game: "Coming soon - Eternal Darkness The Movie, A Uwe Boll Film"....
"This... can't ... be... happening!"
I have nothing to say, I just love this hat.
[deleted]
[deleted]
LMFAO. it'd start a chain of dodgy spin off movies.
Chatturgha VS Cthulu!
I just was thinking of that, so came to imdb to make sure he hadn't already bought the rights. I can't see SK letting him have it. Peter Jackson could do it. Imagine his deft hand with supernatural and horror (LotR and The Frighteners) taking Lovecraftian gothism to the silver screen!
We should start a campaign to get ol' Jacko to buy the film rights.
Hmmm, WWED (What Would Ewe Do)? The Roivas estate would be the same, but would be on the edge of a large lake, allowing for high-speed boat chases between Alex (played by Tara Reid, of course) and Pious (played by Justin Timberlake, but sans the whole 'icky' scars and devoured flesh).
Tara would be called in to identify the body, but before getting to the mansion, a black sedan would run her off the road. A man wearing a suit and sunglasses, oddly enough named Agent Smith gets out of the sedan, and the two kung-fu fight ($90 million is earmarked for wires). After she kills all 3,000 Smiths, she gets to the mansion, only to find out that a virus has taken over her grandfather. Zombie Roivas makes short work of the police, and soon Alex is left wearing nothing but torn bondage gear (it was all she could find in the pantry after a scene in which she slowly spills karo syrup all over her breasts). She runs to the garage and uses her magic to "Mix" a H2 and a Harley.
As the zombies are attacking her wisecracking pet monkey (played by any Baldwin) in the upstairs hallway, she (somehow) smashes in through the stained glass window, and cuts the zombie cops' heads off using a sword that she never had before. In a 35 minute flashback, she explains to the monkey that she got the sword from a possessed UPS delivery man zombie.
The monkey lights a cigar, then reveals itself to be Ulyaoth (played by a CGI version of Telly Sevalis with fake dreadlocks). Ul (as it likes to be called) then spawns 10,000 taxi drivers, and in a scene shot 100% in dutch and heavily overcranked, Alex fights the taxi drivers, killing each one in a new and EXTREME way. Then she pauses for a Pepsi.
After refreshing herself, she punches her hand into Ul's throat and rips out Ben Kingsley, who she now understands is her twin brother. She spanks him for 5 minutes in slo-mo while more karo syrup pours over them.
Fade out and "The End?"
Contact me if you want to buy this story, Ewe. And while you're at it, if you *beep* up Postal, you likely will be killed by the fans. Sleep tight!
LMFAO, classic.
Anyway, I don't know about Peter Jackson, his over use of sentimentality wouldn't mix to well with a lovecraftian world of meaninglessness and chaos.
Hve you seen his first two movies? No sentiment, just gore and horror. I think that his ability to shock mixed with his ability to channel lovecraftian horror as shown in The Frighteners would be the best mix around.
(I have no idea what the last part of that sentence meant either, but it reads good!)
I don't know. I haven't seen The Frighteners in a while.
Bu I have to admit, Jackson would give the story the respect it deserves.
Two words:
My body is roadmap of pain...
Okay, okay, that was more than two words.
I think that Silent Hill might be excellent, but it still (from the trailers) seems to be taking a normal act1/2/3 course, where ED needs more of a Memento or Usual Suspects take.
The Silent Hill trailer is out? *runs for his dear life to check it out*
shareJust checked out the trailer. Personally I would've done it abit differently. But it seems immensely truthful to the game (even referencing the theme from SH 1). Very good. Looking forward to it.
shareOh, and didn't SH just suck? I got two big geekgasms out of it, especially the end pice in the church (Hello? Hellraiser 3? Did you see that?), but beyond that dull dull dull. I went on the Saturday after opening, and there were 20 people in the theatre. 8 walked out.
shareIt hasn't come out in Australia yet. I'm awaiting the August release.
shareUwe Boll Presents: Eternal Darkness!
Locations:
Roivas Manor
Oublie Cathedral
Downtown Los Angeles (instead of the desert place)
Ancient Egypt (instead of the cambodian temple)
"Engha" (a very 80s looking place with all sorts of futuristic electronic gadgets)
Characters and Cast:
Alex Roivas - Mischa Barton
Inspector Lagrasse - Uwe Boll himself
Edward Roivas (young) - Ashton Kutcher
Edward Roivas (old) - Ben Kingsley
Pious Augustus - Macaulay Culkin
Christie (a "sexy" girl who is a replacement for Xelotath)- Paris Hilton
Voice of Ulyaoth - Gilbert Godfried
Voice of Chutturgah - Bobcat Goldthwait
Ellia - Mary Kate Olsen
Anthony - Ashley Olsen
Karim - The kid (now a man) who played Junior in the Problem Child movies.
Maximillian Roivas - Bill Clinton
Paul - Judi Dench
Peter - Daniel Radcliffe
Michael - Shaq
Roberto - Some washed up 80s rock star
Edwina (made a girl because Boll decided he needed more girls) - Lindsay Lohan
Mantorok - Oprah
Mantorok Zombie - Stedman
Xelotath Zombie - La Toya Jackson
Ulyaoth Zombie - Michael Jackson
Chutturgah Zombie - the cryogenically frozen head of Walt Disney
Plot:
Everyone sits around saying "mushroom mushroom mushroom" while the girls get undressed and makeout and Alex and her ancestors mudwrestle. The film ends with Christie conquering everybody.
BUDGET: $200 million
TOTAL BOX OFFICE: $37.61
~~~~~~~~~~~
Arwen: Nîn o Chithaeglir
lasto beth daer;
Rimmo nîn Bruinen
dan in Ulaer!
lmao.
Alex Roivas goes to the mansion with her college buddies, and they come across a pointless room full of traps that kills off the extra unneeded characters... leaving only Alex.
at no point in the movie does she wonder why that room is actually there.
Well then, we'd have to kill him. Obviously he's got a bonetheif in him.
And THAT is where babies come from.
Don't scare me with topics like this.
It now became apparent (despite the lack of library paste)that something had happened to the vicar;