Scene that should have been in the film

VIRGINIA: Lennard, would you inform the cook and the maid that I wish to see them in the drawing room immediately?

LENNARD: But they are busy preparing lunch for your sister and her -----

VIRGINIA: Immediately, Lennard.

LENNARD: Yes, dear.

(Two minutes later in the drawing room)

VIRGINIA: Mary, did you get the ginger from London that I requested?

MARY: (Rolls eyes and folds arms) Yes, ma'am, and I haven't got time to be standin' here gassin' about it cos I's up to me arms in lamb pie that won't be done by four if I don't put it in right now -----

VIRGINIA: You're fired.

MARY: What?

VIRGINIA: Did I stutter? YOU'RE FIRED, SACKED, DISMISSED, CANNED, YOU'VE BEEN GIVEN THE BOOT, THE OLD HEAVE-HO. Being a fancy schmancy writer is not so pointless now, is it? Would you like me to elaborate further? Now, pack your bags and scram, NOW. I don't want there to be any unpleasant atmosphere when my sister arives. Chop, chop!

MARY: But Miss, the lunch ----

VIRGINIA: We won't be partaking of your disgusting medieval offal pie. From what I saw you throwing into it, I definitely would be choosing death if I ate that! I'd rather drown.(Note to self). Yes, take it with you along with the various knick-knacks you've been pilfering because apparently I'm too mad and depressed to notice.

(To herself, excitedly) You know what, I think we'll have beans on toast!

Now, get out of my house, and take that snide cow who's standing next to you. If you're lucky, you'll make the four o'clock train back to the godforsaken yokel hovel from which you no doubt both sprang.

MARY: (Comforting crying maid) Well, I never -----

VIRGINIA: Just do one, and remember this: NEVER MESS WITH THE WOOLF-INATOR. Now, where's the tin-opener.....or the thing that I'm not quite sure has been invented yet that may one day be called a tin opener? Never mind, if it hasn't been invented, I can use one of these rocks in my pocket. Truth be told, I'm knackered carrying them around all day.

CUT TO:

(Richard jumps out of the window to Clarissa's profound shock and horror, falls onto a trampoline waiting underneath and is catapulted back into the same open window)

RICHARD: You been punked Clarissa!

(Ashton Kutcher apppears from underneath a pile of dirty laundry and empty pill bottles, the cameramen appear from the wardrobe and they all fall about laughing)

THE END



I'm ****ing Irish. I'll deal with something being wrong for the rest of my life.