MovieChat Forums > Empire (2002) Discussion > My Gangster Screenplay

My Gangster Screenplay

posted 20 years ago by XxDonLombardixX
8 replies | jump to latest

Well im not done with it but here it is

A Mexican thug named Carlos Ramirez is looking to go big, so he moves from Mexico to California. Carlos begins to rob banks and markets. This catches the eye of a feared but respected hitman Roberto Sanchez. One day in a nightclub they meet and talk. Ramirez like how Sanchez worked, and how he did business. Roberto works for the most respected and feared druglord in California, Alessandro Rodriguez. After doing some small jobs for Roberto, Alessandro wanted to meet with Carlos. They met and talked, Alessandro wanted Carlos to work for him. But behind Carlos' back Roberto was ripping off Alessandro by taking his money and drugs. Alessandro sent over a couple of hitmen to Roberto's house to murder him. Alessandro also sent over a couple of hitmen to Carlos' house to murder him but Carlos shot one to death and tortured the other one until he gave the person who sent him. Carlos finally got the name Alessandro Rodriguez, Carlos went to Alessandro's mansion and killed him. Now Carlos is the new leader of the Californian Drug Empire.

Carlos meets a girl Maria Salmani, but what Carlos doesn't know is that her father is in the Italian Mafia. Carlos and Maria get married and Carlos begins doing business with the mafia. But when Carlos and Maria have an argument, Carlos begins ripping off the Mafia. Now the Mafia wants him dead.

I'm trying to finish it, does anyone have ideas? What do you guys think of it.
Does anyone have an idea for the title?

[–] Favri 20 years ago

The plot is a bit too obvious and predictable, there doesn't seem to be any link between everything that happens to your main character when he kills his way to the top and the mafia stuff that happens after his marriage, I would say concentrate on the first or the second part of the story and come up with a less predictable string of events.

2 mice fell into a bucket of cream....

[–] redman032791 20 years ago

Its not a screenplay. Its just a sypnosis. If you got a screenplay for it, though, then send it to my email [email protected]... I like to write screenplays and an aspring screen writer...

[–] desifir667 19 years ago

Bad!

[–] Unfrzncavmnlwyr9 19 years ago

ZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZzzzzzzzZZZZZZZZZZZzzzzzzzzz...

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This message will be deleted by an administrator

[–] 19 years ago

[deleted]

[–] zwerblo 19 years ago

thats just a few ideas not even a story so there definatley can not be a good screenplay

[–] pedromonkey 18 years ago

a couple of problems with your idea....

1. sounds to much like scarface

2. who in their rightmind would rip off the mafia

3. two much happens, how long is this script?

i think you do have a basis for a good script, all you need to do is cut down all the mexican stuff at the begining and change it to a sort of romeo and juliet type scenario, instead of them getting married, have it be a forbidden romance because in my mafia movie experience the daughters of made men usually get married off to other mafia men or italians. you could always change the idea of him ripping off the mob to him trying to take over their territory and vice verser, keep at it and here's my idea for the title......
'KINGDOM OF THE SETTING SUN" a reference to california weather and the fact that he is trying to build an entire crime kingdom.

[–] PassTheMiike 18 years ago

Sounds brilliant!...........

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uh
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um.

Actually, this sounds absolutely ridiculous beyond any point of return, not to mention the insanely cliche plot and Latino character names. My advice: move past the gangster genre; it's been dead for a loooooong time. Unless you have some type of variation or redefinition of the gangster genre (see James Toback's 'Fingers'), work on something else. Please? I mean, not only do I doubt your treatment's ability to be produced or even glanced at with a straight face by studio execs, but it just feels so... trite would be the word, I believe. I'm not trying to be mean, and I'm sure you're a nice person and all, but this just isn't good. (And please, don't bombard me with the whole "go get a life i bet ur screenplay is dumb lol" thing because I have been involved in the professional critical analysis of film, and personally, this is a treatment that could be classified as "dumb".

I can't believe I stumbled onto a board for 'Empire' but the thread title "My Gangster Screenplay" just looked too incredible to pass up. It's like "Introduction to Screenwriting" class all over again.