Gilmorning
ACT I, SCENE I: French Cafe
Rory and Loerelai are in a French cafe. The decorations are perfect. The sun shines through the window.
LORELAI: When we get back home, do you think I should buy Harvard Law School?
RORY: Outright? That would be expensive.
LORELAI: We'll just put together a business plan.
RORY: It could be a tax write off!
(WAITER approches the table with a dish towel draped over his forearm)
WAITER: Can I get you anything?
RORY: The tea is delicious. Can I have a napkin?
WAITER: But of course.
(WAITER rushes off)
LORELAI: I don't know if I like this waiter's approach.
RORY: Me either. Maybe one of the first things we could change about Harvard is to make the staff more professional.
LORELAI: Here, here. Let's toast.
(WAITER returns)
WAITER: Madam, here is your napkin.
LORELAI: I'll have you know that while you were busy with your waiter activity, Rory here helped me initialize plans for a major business acquisition.
WAITER: I am sorry, Madam.
RORY: Just get us the check, please.
(WAITER scurries off)
LORELAI: I think you and I have a lot to talk about on the plane ride home.
END SCENE
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ACT I, SCENE II: Up In The Air
Rory and Loerelai are on the flight home from Paris. There are dignitaries, scholars and philosophers aboard with them. Plus a black guy.
RORY: I need to make a call soon. I hope no one else is talking loud and rude when I do.
LORELAI: With our cell phone plan, that's never a problem.
RORY: Refresh me.
LORELAI: The sigh-and-roll-the-eye plan.
RORY: Sometimes you are so incredibly funny.
(CAPTAIN announces that the plane has reached altitude)
FLIGHT ATTENDENT: Can I get you anything?
RORY: The tea is delicious. Can I have a tissue?
FLIGHT ATTENDENT: Yes. Yes, of course.
(FLIGHT ATTENDENT shimmies down the aisle)
LORELAI: I don't know if I like Winter. Wing ice bad. Must stop wing ice.
RORY: In Stars Hollow, I think wing ice is illegal.
LORELAI: Boo-ya.
(FLIGHT ATTENDENT returns)
FLIGHT ATTENDENT: Madam, here is your tissue.
LORELAI: Is Wuthering Heights showing on this flight?
WAITER: I am sorry, but it's not.
RORY: I guess we're on the Caddyshack flight.
(FLIGHT ATTENDENT scurries off)
LORELAI: I am so so proud we can have exciting adventures together.
END SCENE
* * * * * * * * * *
ACT I, SCENE III: Day Spa
They're back! Rory and Loerelai are at their favorite day spa. They are energetic and woeful at the same time.
LOERELAI: Sometimes I feel bad that there are people in the world who don't have much and it so hard to do anything if you don't know who those people are.
LORELAI: I have a phone call so I will answer it and answer you at the same time by saying "Hel-lo-o? Like, du-uh!"
RORY: Excellent.
LORELAI: I'm at the day spa and just got back recently from Paris where Rory and I had many excellent adventures and you sound like you have a cold so might I suggest you have a hot cup of tea or something but I need you to hold on because I have call waiting, hello? Oh it's still you, hello? Oh hi, I have another call so I'll make it quick by saying I'm at the day spa and I just got back from Paris but I have to go so I'll call you back in 73 minutes okay? Sorry about that, I had to say hello to my-- oh, she hung up.
RORY: Sometimes you are so incredibly funny.
LORELAI: Let's call those awful guys and have a party.
RORY: Sike.
LORELAI: Double sike.
RORY: Remember that guy who smelled like cigarettes?
LORELAI: Sure.
END SCENE
* * * * * * * * * *
ACT I, SCENE IV: Cab Ride
They did it! In 9.3 seconds. They're on the way to Stars Hollow via ModernCab.
RORY: ModernCab is friggy diggy fresh. Can I have two lines?
RORY: Can I have two lines added to my phone plan?
LORELAI: You have a pink RAZR phone, so do what you can. There's no cure for the common cold sore.
RORY: Wowee. Dinah Shore? Dinosaur?
LORELAI: The day spa was a logical transition from from Paris.
RORY: Feel hot?
LORELAI: Hot to trot.
RORY: Sometimes you are so incredibly funny.
LORELAI: Those awful guys called. You down? At least I hope you are because I told them to wait curbside with their Hoopty.
RORY: Oh no you di'int!
LORELAI: Girlfriend, please.
RORY: Just no cigarettes?
LORELAI: Yeah, sure.
RORY: And no dirty stuff.
LORELAI: Duh.
RORY: Really, no nasty nasty nothing.
LORELAI: Ghetto style?
RORY: Ghetto style.
END SCENE
* * * * * * * * * *
ACT I, SCENE V: Introducing Piggy
A ModernCab has just dropped off Rory and Lorelai at their favorite coffee shop.
RORY: Hoooooooooweee! Back in Stars Hollow!
LORELAI: Here, here! Hey, bartender, how's about rustling up some beans?
RORY: Maybe some grits, too if they're in season!
PIGGY: Well, I suppose you want some coffee. That I can do. But grits are out of the question.
RORY: What's your name?
PIGGY: Piggy.
LORELAI: We never saw you here before, Piggy. Why is that?
PIGGY: I've been working here for 5 days.
RORY: That's funny. We were in Paris.
LORELAI: Paris, France.
RORY: Of course, we stopped at a day spa on the way here.
LORELAI: Girlfriend, please.
RORY: Piggy, have you seen a couple of insanely cute guys here looking for us?
PIGGY: Someone came in before, and asked for sandwich, but that was it.
LORELAI: Yeah, sure.
RORY: Well, I hope you gave him his sandwich.
LORELAI: And nothing else.
RORY: Look at the time.
LORELAI: Look at the time. Nice to meet you, Piggy.
END SCENE
* * * * * * * * * *
ACT I, SCENE VI: Piggy Gets Fired
Lorelai and Rory are standing outside the coffee shop. They are both dressed nice and looking great.
LORELAI: I think I want more coffee.
RORY: Let's go back inside!
They walk back in and Rory steers past the seats they sat in and sits further down.
LORELAI: Sitting there? Now that's hot!
RORY: Transferred butt heat. My own creeps me out.
PIGGY: Well, I suppose you want some coffee. That I can do.
RORY: This again.
Two men of color walk in and sit down.
FIRST BLACK DUDE: Hey, Arnold, how do we know Adam and Eve weren't Black?
SECOND BLACK DUDE: Sheet... ever try and take a rib from a black man?
PIGGY: Right on, my brother!
Piggy slaps five with one of those two people.
LORELAI: Did that just happen?
RORY: She went along with it.
PIGGY: I've been working here for 5 days.
RORY: That's funny. We heard what you said.
LORELAI: Not cool, Piggy.
RORY: Of course, you're new.
LORELAI: Hello? Where's our coffee?
PIGGY: Hold on. My cell phone's ringing.
LORELAI: Yeah, sure.
RORY: Well, I hope you get fired.
PIGGY: It's my boss.
LORELAI: Well?
PIGGY: I'm fired.
RORY: I just texted him, Piggy.
END SCENE
* * * * * * * * * *
ACT I, SCENE VII: Piggy Gets Active In The Community
Rory and Lorelai are standing in the alley next to the coffee shop. Things don't look pretty.
RORY: Let's go inside!
LORELAI: Wait. I sense something.
A smoky haze dritfs past. Lorelai sneezes as Rory's eyes glide toward the back door.
PIGGY: Hello, it's me.
RORY: I've thought... sorry.
An Asian man walks by.
PIGGY: I was fired.
Piggy slaps five with the buisnessman who just walked by.
LORELAI: Did you really, for rizzle?
RORY: She had no choice.
PIGGY: I've been working here for 5 days, and some bee-
RORY: Hold your tongue!
LORELAI: Not cool, Piggy.
RORY: We need to create a new image for you.
LORELAI: Hello? I have PhotoShop.
PIGGY: Hold on. My cell phone's ringing.
LORELAI: Who is it this time, bee-
PIGGY: HEY!
RORY: Tonight's the night.
PIGGY: F-For?
LORELAI: Well?
PIGGY: Tonight's the night for pudding pie!
RORY: Not quite, Piggy.
PIGGY: You got me fired, didn't you?
LORELAI: What's important here is that you all learn your lesson.
RORY: Which is?
LORELAI: Peanut butter jelly time! Piggy, get active!
PIGGY: When?
RORY: Not when, ehre.
LORELAI: Duh.
RORY: Get active in your community.
PIGGY: I just got fired.
RORY: I know. Get this alley cleaned up.
PIGGY: Brrr.
RORY: What?!
LORELAI: Burr? What kind of-
RORY: I mean, Brrr, like I'm cold.
RORY: Listen, here. Hithereto.
PIGGY: Wha?
LORELAI: Talk to her in Wal-Mart dialect.
RORY: That thar is a stick. Git me a dang beer!
PIGGY: I'm not sure-
LORELAI: This was your chance to get active in the community. Too bad you blew it.
PIGGY: You don't ev-
RORY: Win one for the Gilmore Girls.
LORELAI: Here, here.
END SCENE